hi, i'm jelly man!

okay, i admit. i'm a bit squishier then i used to be. i admit that when i get out the shower the birds don't fly in the window and whistle anymore. i admit that if i went to the beach right now stripped down to my trunks the ladies wouldn't strip off their tops and show me their titties like they used to. me washing my car shirtless & sweaty doesn't bring the girls to the yard like it once did. even my mountain fan club that used to cat call me when i ran by them on my 5 mile run, aren't screaming as loud.

what is going on? where did it all go? the admiration. the automatic sex appeal. why is fat sexy for women but not men? why can't i find a woman who thinks more cushion should lead to more pushin'? i admit. i used to be all about the shameless displays of chiseled abs. i used to invite the ladies to the gun show daily. i'd be the first person out my clothes and into yours. now, eh...not so much.

it's not even age. i don't think. it's not even complete laziness. i admit. i have a poor diet. always have. i don't eat vegetables, i think i'm allergic. not a fan of sugar free anything or portion control for that matter. i don't like exercise. never had to do it before. one great thing about being black w/ a good metabolism....you can look like you workout when you really don't do shit. yet..somewhere. someway. i dunno. i blame it on the 'roids. and now i wasn't taking them to increase muscle mass. i was taking them for health reasons. but ever since those things were introduced to my body....Jesus Christ!...so now i'm in the limbo between working off the weight or just disappearing into the sea and becoming jelly man. and being jelly man doesn't sound that bad, cept the fact that my chick hates jelly. times like this is when you need to be with a fat person who'd appreciate your slim jelly. or at least someone more jelly than you. if your the jelliest in the relationship there is always room to poke fun at you.

currently my dudes have been trying to get me to go to the gym with them. they are all gym heads. who live in the gym. yanno my theory. don't no man have time to be in the gym like that unless they are in prison or gay. but these dudes try to prove me wrong. *whispers*...they might be gay (just saying!) lol. but they are on a crusade to save me from being jelly man. my chick is always hitting me with the, "you going running today" shit. no matter where i go ppl are trying to turn me out. don't turn me out. just love me.

jelly needs love too!

make up ("MY") your mind.

ever had someone make up your mind for you? it happens to me all the time. in fact for as long as i can remember it's been happening to me. i remember when i was younger and i wanted to play baseball instead of going to college. idea NIXED

i remember when i wanted to major in music and pursue what my parents considered a hobby full time, but was pushed into working on a plan A because that was only a plan B. idea NIXED

i remember after working a year as an computer engineer and telling my parents i had a chance to work in music. that i actually had a chance to do what i loved full time, make a living, and be happy. they didn't NIX my idea, but they weren't convinced. it took time to show them that it was real. it took time for them to understand that my hobby was really computers, and music was where my heart was and had always been. either way. they had a lot of control over what i did & didn't do. even as an adult.

i later got married and everyone knows when you get married you are no longer in control of your life. everything was automatically NIXED from inception of thought. unless it was her idea too. after we split. my mom resumed the "NIXER" of all my idea role. she began coddling me because she feared me being "lonely". but her coddling turned into "protecting" again, which she's always been too good at. so it leads me to decisions about my health now. and everyone in my life...is making up my mind for me. it's like to them, it makes them feel better. it will make them be able to sleep better at night. but for me, not so much. i'm a logical person. things always need to make sense to me.

when someone says, "there is no guarantee" i automatically discredit anything else they have to say that would warrant a "it's gonna make it better". if there is no guarantee, you can not tell me it's gonna be better. logically, that doesn't make sense. it means that it could go both ways. it COULD get better, or it COULD get worse. i know this all seems cryptic and doesn't make sense. i guess what i'm trying to say is, i'm making a decision this week that EVERYONE else wants me to make. it's not one i'm sold on. it's not one i'm happy about. it's something that will effect me for the rest of my life. and it just pisses me off that no one cares that i don't want to do it. i haven't made up my mind to do it. i've made up YOUR mind, that i'm gonna do it. i wanna go kick rocks at every single person who has convinced me that this is the best choice for me. and i swear on everything if it turns out this shit doesn't work, i'm looking for every last one of yall. and it's gonna be on!

ManFive Friday #19

manfive friday topic of the week: why men don't like your girl-friends...

we've all seen the show. even us fellas who swear we'd never watch no shit like that. you gotta admit you flipped by it, watched it with your girl, or just so happen to have some baby oil out on your nightstand when it was coming on. i'm saying, it's was a show about four beautiful black women...i'm not gonna throw shade. women loved this shit, and yanno why? because most times it's hard for them to be friends with other chicks. so when they are friends guess what, that's a pretty strong bond.

a strong bond, that usually inflicts problems all up and down their relationship with you. i already went into why we don't like your "gbf" (gay best friend). here is five reasons why we don't like your chick friends.

#5: they be knowing too much of "OUR" business

ever walked into a room full of women and they just stopped talking and started smiling at you? i was under the illusion that women didn't divulge sexual secrets with each other. that yall didn't "share" your bedtime stories with your girls. shit, i was wrong as hell. women tell everything. your girl's bestfriend knows about your dick. she knows if you're a eater..good or bad. she knows that special thing you like..yanno.."that thing..". because these days women can't keep shit to themselves. but when chicks trust their friends...all bets are off. they aren't afraid their girl is gonna try to get some, it's all about the bragging or complaining.

#4: they're jealous

lets face it, sometimes your friends are jealous. it maybe something you don't see or understand. it doesn't even have to be about us. we can see when you're friend is just downing you or your life to make herself feel better. we can see that's she just mad she don't have a man herself. or she mad cause she's the "ugly" friend. or the "dumb" friend. or the "broke" friend. whatever their reason, the shit ain't right. and it makes it unbearable to hear stories over and over again about her talking about you. or her not being excited for you. or her going out and buying the same outfit and wearing it before you so you can't wear yours.

but wait it gets worse. what happens when your chick friend is jealous of all the time you're spending with your man? they want you to hurry up and break up or cancel with your man so they can have their movie partner back. they got the sad face on when they made plans to hang out with you and at the last minute you rain-check them to get you some. yea, they'll try to convince you, you're being a bad friend. when in reality, they are being a bad friend. they are too selfish of your time and don't realize that sometimes you'd rather spend that time with a hard leg, instead of eating ice cream and talking all night about nothing.

#3: they don't know shit about us, but got so much to say

think about it like this. imagine if my boy called you a hoe from jump. he ain't even said two words to you. he ain't been around you 3 minutes. he never gave you a chance. he just looked at you, and said.."she's a hoe". this is what your hating ass friends do off sight or after they hear one too many "one-sided" stories from you. "he's a dog", "girl, don't trust that..no man works like that. he's cheating on you", "he ain't breaking you off with nothing, you need to stop messing with him..." etc.

needless to say, she popping her gums about shit she don't know nothing about. she don't know me from nobody else. for some odd reason she thinks i'm her boyfriend. or her ex. either way she's talking about somebody who is not me. she already doesn't like me and has never hung out with me. when did that shit become cool? go get something good in your life so you year long period can end. hat-err

#2: they offer you a different perspective sometimes something we don't want you to see

ok, i've talked mad shit up to this part. but truthfully sometimes your girls do be on. they do be right. they do see past mistakes you've made. they do know who you're dealing with. they have paid attention to all the warning signs you've ignored. sometimes all it takes is that intervention, "waiting to exhale" moment. your girls get together and have a "fuck that dude" party. and all of a sudden you ain't cooking no more, you're ignoring the phone calls, you're not putting up with the same ol' shit. it's like..damn why you gotta listen to her?

#1: they be running their mouth like they got a boyfriend...and they don't

worse one of all. any chick telling you how to successfully be in a relationship and she ain't in one, #complete.total.epic.FAIL. tell her to go suck on some soap, and blow bubbles. yes, it's true you don't have a boyfriend to speak on having one, but it would def help with your "relationship credentials". how you coaching someone and you ain't even in the game? you steady telling my chick how, "i'm just not that into her.." when from all the stories she's told me about YOUR dude...he just wasn't into you. obviously you don't recognize the signs that well yourself. that's why you're all up in our business. all your advice is, as if i was your boyfriend. step outside the situation. step outside your own life. and look at why YOU aren't in a relationship. good relationship or problematic relationship...trumps no relationship any day (notice i said problematic not bad...a bad relationship is worst then no relationship).

#twitterkills thursday #2

this week #twitterkills thursday when: mutual friends tweet shit you say to them through text or on other social medias


ok, have you ever said something on twitter, in a text, or on another social media and not thought about the impact it would have if it trickled down the totem pole? like for instance if i follow you on twitter, i'm a friend on myspace, but we aren't friends on facebook. so i say some shit on facebook, thinking you'll never see it or hear it. but then my mutual dumbass friend tweets it with a #fb hashtag. sounds like a #twitterkill huh? or if i'm partying it up big dog style and i text my boy, "man i'm so drunk, these girls about to be in trouble tonight". and he takes it upon himself to tweet, "GNR @studiogenius, dude say he so drunk these chicks are in trouble tonight...". and just so happens my chick follows him. you get the direction i'm headed right? total #twitterkill. now i admit, sometimes i'm guilty of this. it's called not really thinking. after all, how do you know what information is so pertinent that it shouldn't be shared? how do you remember you're dude's chick or friend is following you and maybe you should just let those comments stay between the two of you? needless to say...once it's tweeted it's all over. especially if you got a chick who already pregamed you with the "you better not be looking at no other chicks tonight" speech before you left. it's not even your fault, well maybe it is for having a clueless friend (or maybe they aren't clueless at all, maybe it's some sort of sabotage)

nevertheless, someone's getting a double #twitterkill. just two of them, in both eyes. pow. pow.

ManFive #18

look up in the sky, it's a bird..it's a plane.. it's

TWITTER MAN

a woman's nightmare..

ManFive #18 topic of the week: why women hate us being on twitter.

i was reading my timeline the other day and someone tweeted: "I'm convinced that every straight guy on twitter is on to get attention from females. Yup" of course that was tweeted by a female with over 300 followers. why is it that ladies can be on social media sites for fun, but guys have to have alternative motives? why is it i have to justify my twitter friends, LJ friends, myspace friends, etc.. but you can meet any of yours when you're in town. what's the deal with twitter being the average man's cheating ground/chick pulling stand, yet since every chick wants to get with me doesn't that mean you want to get with your 100- something male followers. just feeding you, your same logic.

5 reasons women hate "THEIR" man to be on twitter (cause yall don't hate on the guys you follow, being on there):

#5: just haters (aka: fun suckers). . .

fun suckers [fuhn suhk-er] adjective, verb, bitch. .

1. a person who does not under any circumstance want you to any have fun
2. anti-enjoyment seekers

example: "my girlfriend is a real fun sucker"

sometimes women just hate on any kind of fun you can have. they don't want you hanging with your dudes. they don't want you going out and getting drunk. you can't sit with your hands down your pants, drinking a beer, & watching the game in peace. nothing. they have to swoop in and spoil your fun. like an alarm goes off..."wooop, wooop..you better not be in there having in fun!". if they think you're enjoying yourself on a social media platform then immediately you're up to no good. fun when it comes to men = trouble. women don't like you to have fun, unless it's with them. and they even are stingy with the fun then.

to men: sex > walking in the park. to women: sex < or = walking in the park.

#4: ego. ego. ego.

they think it's about our ego. we're just on there to boast and brag and holler at chicks. so if that's the only reason we're on there... why are you on twitter? how can you say a dude is just on to holla at chick and get attention when you have 300+ followers? sounds like someone else is the attention harlot to me. just saying. yall chicks be having big "egos" too.



#3: think you're lame, boring, etc...

they can't understand how anyone else can possibly find us interesting. it's like, "why are all these chicks following you?". um cause i'm naked in my twitter icon? i'm saying. maybe they actually like some of the things i'm saying. maybe i seem like a good person, a cool guy, an interesting, funny, sexual monster beast..whatever the reason, why you hating? just cause you could care less that i'm currently eating cereal. maybe my other cheerio eating buddy can relate and we can have us a healthy whole grain oat discussion in the AM. just cause you could care less that i wore my pants inside out and everybody laughed at me. maybe that put a smile on some grumpy person's face today. there are ppl who think like me in the world. there are people with the same sense of humor. there are people who may think socially i could possibly fit in to their friend circle. stop thinking you're the only person who could possibly find me interesting, news flash: you're not.



#2: can't see the chick you're @replying timeline...

wanna piss a chick off. follow a chick with a private twitter account. then @ reply them. say some shit like..."hey! @sexyladyinthemirror" watch how quick you're chick type in: www.twitter.com & types your username in the search box. then wait as the stalkertwit gets mad cause all the tweets between you and @sexyladyinthemirror are one-sided because she has a protected account. yea, she may take a day, a week, a month to say some shit to you about it. but know she is fuming. yall talking one day and she just out of no where says, "why don't you ask @sexyladyinthemirror to make you some pancakes?"

W T F?


#1: think it's a way for you to cheat on them

of course, as with anything else women always think it's a means to cheat. i want to be sociable with people i choose, get along with, and vibe with. you're quick to tell me how many female followers i have, now tell me how many male one's i have. if it's so few...what's the number? 1, 2, 5, 8? come on. true, i don't have tons of male followers. and yes, i can tweet guys. but unless these are my dudes for real or i met them through a mutual friend, what i look like soliciting dudes for friends? i'm not here to network. if you're RT'ed. if you hit me up and seem interesting then, ok. but i'm not just going around friending dudes cause that shit is gay. let me be clear, it's not gay to have male friends. it's just gay to be like, "aye add me man...". so in turn you automatically assume since most of my followers are chicks, it's only because i wanna smash them. and really it's because i'm a straight dude and i don't go around online or in real life adding dudes as my friends like that. sorry. go to any straight dudes twitter, it's not because he's trying to smash. it's because straight dudes don't talk to dudes like that.

#twitterkills thursday #1

what's this? has he made up another hashtagish day? why, yes i think he has.

ok, i'm gonna call this segment. #twitterkills thursday. i can't promise this will be a weekly thing. but as the feeling hits me i will let you know how twitter kills relationships, one friend/new feature at a time.

this week's topic: Twitter List...death of friendships

by now the ultra exclusive beta tested twitter list should be available to everyone. i'm sure you've noticed next to people's followers/following there is a new link, "listed". it's where you can be grouped by other twitterers and shared amongst all of their followers. you can also see what list they currently have made or are following. . . unless of course they have private list.

personally, i thank anyone who has listed me. because personally you didn't have to, so the fact that you did..#shoutout to @helpdeskace, @nikkitaylormade, @live4lyfe i appreciate that.

i haven't created any list due to the fact that, i think it's a popularity thing. and honestly i'd just list all the people i @reply because i try to get to know everyone that follows me and vice. versa. my problem with list are, i've had somebody tell me. . . "i put you on my list, but it's private". then they made public list to include all their other "clique" friends. it's like..ok. i'm on a private list. yet you have made public list to satisfy your popularity seeking friends. ok, i'm not mad.

but let me ask you this. you think if i made a list. told you, you were on a private one. yet put all my other friends on a public one that would be cool? no. is it a coincidence that you find a way to include everyone of your other friends, but not me? uh no. should you have even told me i was on a private list? no. am i mad? no. will i name this perpetrator? no. just know, i know. and today i've #twitterkilled you. pow.

who will #twitterkill next week?

i'm putting myself on timeout..

seriously! the best way for someone to realize you're serious is to show them.

so, say hello to the Bad Guy.

not really, but say goodbye to mr. nice guy. for real.

i want. . .

i find myself in a situation where i know what i'm want, but i'm just frustrated i can't have it. at least not the way i want it.

may even be what influences most of my blog rants, twitter tweets, text assaults to my friends. i think it's pure frustration. it's like if something is always on your mind, heavy on your heart, on the tip of your tongue. yet, you feel like you can't say it. no one will understand. it just gets twisted and turned around on you. you're where i'm at right now. i know a lot of times it sounds like i'm being a punk about shit. i'm really not a punk.

i'm just a good guy who is past the games. past the informality. i don't have to see all the colors in the crayon box to know all i want is the brown one. i don't have to see all the cards in your hand, to know that all i want is the ace of spades. i know what i want.

i want to be happy
i want someone to love me
i want her eyes to light up when she sees me
i want her to jump over the couch, knock over the dishes, almost break her neck running to the phone when i call..cause she can't wait to talk to me
i want her thoughts to be my thoughts
her breath to be my breath
my step to be the direction she's headed in and is happy to follow
i want our fights to be stupid, so stupid that we agree and move on
our issues to be solved
i want her to hear me without even speaking a word
to listen to everything, not just what she wants to hear
to respect me
not just because she likes me, love me
but because it's deserved
i want to earn her love
and her to allow me to earn hers
claim me
not just when we're together or confronted
but because there isn't a person she'd be ashamed to say, "this is my man" to
be my best friend
first & last person i come to with everything
i want her to want me
in every sense of of the word, not just pick & choose the best qualities
because she loves my flaws
she loves my imperfections
she realizes it's what makes me me
doesn't judge me
or change me
unless it's for the better
and even still, it's with love. . .
i want her to see through the material things
see me through my skin, my bones.. focus on my soul
disregard the sickness, ailments, fat pockets that come with age
disregard the attitudes that pop up from no where
i want her to know that the way i care
that i love someone
that no one could ever change that
but her.
she is in control.
she has the remote.
i'm just her toy


stop playing with me. damn.

ManFive #17

ManFive topic of the week: why we can't go shopping with you. . .

there are a few things that we let yall have to yourself. the kitchen. the bathroom. the mirror. the closet. and oh yea, shopping.

i'm convinced there is a sector of hell where men are tortured for eternity: they have to wait, and wait, and wait for their wife/ girlfriend to shop to her hearts content. women often don't understand why we have such a problem, going shopping with them. what's not to understand? it's boring as hell. we don't enjoy it. it's not fun. it's like eating pieces of broken glass. it just doesn't make sense & it's painful.

Here are five reasons why we don't enjoy being your shopping buddy:

#5: yall can't make up yall mind to save a life. . .indecisive

a shopping trip with a woman becomes a "how does this look?", "is it cheaper here", "do i have shoes to match this", "i got to have this, no...i got to have that". yall will walk into a store, the same store you frequent weekly, daily, hourly. see the same outfit you saw online, in a catalog, on someone else. know that you wanted to buy it, until you walk into the store. once you've walked in the store and see yet another choice, you become confused. you will walk around with the item in your hand. you will browse other selections, try it on, go through your matching accessories, etc. then as soon as it's time to check out put the shit back. we can be in the store for 2 hours, when you magically decide that you don't need it, want it, or like it anymore.

#4: yall have to try on everything. . .

even if you've tried on the same shirt in another color. you have to try it on in that color to make sure it goes well with your skin. you have had the same shoe size since the 11th grade, but guess what...you have to try on EVERY pair of shoes to see if they fit. you even let the lady fit you for a bra, knowing good and well your titties have not gotten any bigger since last week. jewelry can't be gazed at in the case, you have to look with your hands. you have to find a bigger mirror to look at yourself in those sunglasses. W T F ? men don't try shit on. we go buy shit in our size & go home. if it doesn't fit we take it back (most times, we don't even take it back..just take the loss). this is why we can't stand this shit. maybe if there was more, "hey let's get it on in the dressing room" taking place. or we hit up victoria's secret and you wanted to bust a tyra runway show on us. but let's face it..that's our fantasy, not yours. and when engaging in things YOU want to do, our fantasies are usually null & void.

#3: you are satisfied with just looking. . .

yall think shopping is a hobby. kinda like sports, stamp collecting, or playing an instrument. a woman can go to 100 stores and just look and be satisfied. window shopping is an activity. you want us to get out the house, and walk around and LOOK at shit. *scratching head*. you can go to the mall and come home with some stockings, a magazine, and a cookie from "the american cookie company" and it was a successful day at the mall. are you serious? you wasted $24.32 in gas & 2hours of my life for that? you better at least make the trip worth it.

#2: you be in our pockets. . .

it don't matter how independent she is. don't matter if she got her own. if she tricks you into going to the mall with her everything becomes: "you know how good i'm gonna look for you", "wouldn't you like to see me in this?", "i wish i could afford this...". all that shit is code word for, "if you want me to talk to you on the way home, if you want to get some tonight, if you want to make me real happy...you'll buy this for me". women love to spend YOUR money. women are frugal as hell with their own money. again, yall can look at the same shoes for 3 months and wait for a sale. but if our ass is dumb enough to be in the store with you...fuck a sale.

#1: it's gay. . .

yall turn us into your purse holding personal assistants. they even have the little sitting area in the middle of the damn store where we have to sit like some punks on display. it's so bad when you walk in the store, you just *kanyeshrug* to the guy sitting next to you. all you can hear is laughing coming from the dressing room. guess what, that's your chick in there laughing at you ass. she's probably on the phone to her chicks saying, "yea girl, he sitting there holding my purse right now.." and they think that shit is cute. then she comes out to show you an outfit, "how does this look?..you think these pants are too high waisted?" immediately she forgot you had balls, and is treating you like your name is Dwight or Miss J.

ManFive #16

as stated last week, i'm sea-bound as of today. so manfive friday is manfive thursday this week.

ManFive topic of the week: why is it so hard for us to be friends with our ex...

i know a lot of women who sit around wondering if their ex, still thinks bout them. they wonder why he won't be friends, why he can't come around, or just call sometime. the gene of cutting shit off is different in men & women. women cut shit off when the emotion fades or passion dies. men cut shit off when the benefits fade or when they don't want or know how deal with something. a lot of times it's something you can't understand.

five reasons why i can't be my ex's friend...

#5: it's a different relationship. . .

"if i wanted to be just your friend, i wouldn't have ever gotten with you."

that line was actually courtesy of one of my ex's. yea, she's an asshole. but i guess it's true. you hear of all the dudes stuck in the "friend zone". they really are just there cause the chick just wants to be friends. but after a relationship how do you go back to that? after you've slept together, shared together, loved..how do you go back to a fraction of that relationship? how do you act? what do you say? when do you call? it's like you're dealing with a completely different person. it "feels" the same, but you know it's not.

#4: we hate you, it opens up old wounds & feelings...

if every time i look at you i want to punch you in the face, we can't be friends. and seriously, before my "X - mrs. " i had never had that much anger for someone in my life. but every time i look at her i remember why we aren't together. what she did to make that happen. and it just pisses me off to a point you can't believe. because it just keeps replaying in my mind. she doesn't have to say a word. she could even be nice towards me. it doesn't matter. her face triggers, her voice, even her name does something to me. sometimes the hurt goes so deep that you can't get past it. we HAVE to maintain a relationship because we share a child. which makes it a trillion, billion, zillion times harder. trust me.

#3: we don't wanna hear about your new man...

like my dude 100K is always saying, "there is something wrong if she telling me about her new dude". shit, he's right. you might as well have a purse because she treating you like a girlfriend now. just because YALL wanna hear about our new chick, don't mean we want to hear about your new dude. but wait, let me point out the difference first. if we're together, and you messing with somebody else. yea, tell me about that shit. but if we aren't..i don't care if that ninja got you bent over the grill getting you 673 different ways while cooking you dinner. i don't wanna hear that shit. i don't care you met someone. i don't care you're dating. i don't wanna hear about NOTHING you doing with nobody else. cause i'm forever "fuck that dude". don't matter how nice he is. don't matter if he treating you good. don't matter if he beating your ass. i don't like him, nor will i ever like him. cause once you've claimed the "cave". you don't like none of the new residents "moving- in".

#2: we still wanna fuck...

and you don't want to. lol. yanno the natural transition is to ween yourself off right? and after you've been with someone. they know you, you know them. yall body's didn't break up, just your hearts. he still wanna come through and give you some vitamin D. and a lot of times yall don't have any problem with that. yall be trying to give him that Vitamin V, because you're not trying to run out there and be with just anyone right after you break up. but we all know, that shit is not good. i mean the sex is...but actually being with someone sans the relationship with feelings still out there is not cool. follow this equation ladies:

you + me = no sex + hurt feelings / past issues = no friendship

#1: we still like, love, have feelings for you, or all of the above. . .

it's hard to shake your feelings. women just tend to express theirs more openly. she you may never know how shook the dude really is. you may never know how much he's hurting. or how much he misses you. the objective is to have a poker face. never let her know how much she's affecting you. never let her know how bad you're hurting. act like you don't care. act like you've moved on. it's hard to put on an act in front of someone who knows you. in fact i hate when a chick can look at my face and tell what's on my mind. seriously. if i'm sad, mad, something is bothering me, if i wanna laugh, if i'm nervous. once you've been around someone long enough and they know you. it's hard to hide how you feel. and coming around someone and them knowing how much it bothers you that you're not with them, makes you feel self conscious. it's weird. it's uncomfortable. we can't be friends because you can see it on my face, hear it in my voice, tell by my actions that i still want you. i still love you. and i still want to be with you.

that shit ain't cool..