Saturday, August 29, 2009

ManFive #8

it's friday, it's's the end of the week it's the best day...

ManFive time. this week's topic: why we don't love dem hoes..

yea i had to say "dem" cause hoes aren't exactly proper anyway. don't get me wrong, there are some nice hoes. there are some classy hoes. i think women get mad that we refer to them as hoes. but sweetie, if you're a lady..we aren't talking about you. so what exactly is a hoe? come on, let's not play dumb. a hoe is chick that makes her way around. she smashes your homies. she uses her "goods" (her body) to get your "goods" (you're money). she doesn't really have respect for her body, because she puts a price on something that should be priceless.

so how do we determine if a chick is a hoe? very simple my friend, five ways to spot a hoe:

#5: no line, no wait...

yes, we love to hit on the first night. we love to meet you in a club, and take you home the same night. but if you let us let EVERYONE else hit. guys don't like to put in work. we don't like to wait. but waiting at least makes us think we had to work for it. that you have some kinda restraint. some kinda limit. of course we wanna think you don't do this often. we always wanna think we are in the Top 2. like your first love..then us. we're only giving you one.

#4: you "ready" down there, no prep time...

now, i know chicks are planners. yall know when yall want to give in and let a dude have some. but a chick that take it off in the heat of the moment and she all lined up. like she knew it was gonna go down, "um, you need more people...". i'm not saying you should ever go around looking like gizmo is in your panties. i'm just saying. a chick with a fresh landing strip. designs and shit, is a pro. not even former girl scouts are that prepared.

#3: you got referrals and shit..

if any of my dudes know you. if any of them say, "oh yea...i know her ass". that shit ain't cool. cause my dudes aren't supposed to recognize you. if they have seen you in passing. friends with one of your homegirls, they'll say some shit like.."yo, she look mad familiar". but if they flat out be like.."ay, i know her...." *backspacing* out the situation. you can NOT smash my homies and think that shit is cool. if we go some place and you know you smashed my boy...immediately say someone in your family died so we can peace out. cause if one of my dudes tap me on the shoulder and be like.."ay tell her to do that thing with her tongue...". we gonna have problems.

#2: all your friends are hoes.

in fact it don't have to be all of them. just has to be one if she a close friend. we'll give you the benefit of the doubt if it's one chick. but if it's two or more or you BFF..then that's shit ain't cool. cause chicks live vicariously through their friends. you might not be a freak. you might not be a hoe. but if your chick is telling you about all the dudes she's messing with. you're living your freaky side out through her. one day you might roll out of bed, bump your head and think you're her. hoes can take you to the dark side. you think i'm bullshitting. why do women never want their dude hanging with that one boy who always gaming chicks. because she think he'll influence you. so we the only one victims of peer pressure? get outta here.

#1: she got an open box of condoms....

it's cool. you in the moment with your chick. things escalate and you realize you don't have no condoms. we've all been there. you know you either gotta run to the drug store, call it quits, or play that dangerous game of drive in, drive out. but wait, there is another option...these days women are all about the safety. so they may have a condom they got from their doctor. or they might have bought a box in anticipation. that's shit is cool. but if a chick pull out a 3 pack box of condoms and only one is in the box....

w.t.f happen to the other two? stay calm dude...check the expiration date maybe she's had them for a while. if you look at the condoms and the expiration date is like 2 years from now. and there is only one in the box..dude check the trash can for wrappers cause she JUST used them shits probably earlier that day. ladies never keep no box of condoms if there are any missing. take that shit out the box, pretend you got it like that. don't let a dude know your ass is a condom providing station. that is not sexy.

bottom line ladies. you know we are vain creatures. we want to think we are the only ones to have ever traveled down the yellow brick road. tips for you hoes...who need to convince your dude otherwise...

- always make your bed. it's much neater, it also will get rid of those tell tell signs. like if a dude left his draws under your bed. there are wrappers, used condoms, lube stains, wet sounds nasty. but seriously..some of yall don't wash your sheets.

- never date in a 10 mile radius. if the last dude you dated lived in the same zip code, venture out into a different county. that way you may avoid his friends, his co-workers, family members. just anyone who gonna tell your new dude you a freak. don't go back to the same club & pick up a new dude the next night. yes...we all saw you the night before. your name is on the stall in the bathroom.

-be selective. we all know women have the option to be choosy. even ugly chicks pull dudes. you don't have to settle & you don't have to give it up to keep a dude.

-change up your attire. if you dress like a stripper...unless you are currently stripping that's not a good look. it's like wearing a belt with your McDonald's uniform..we still know you work at McDonald's.

-never brag about all the dudes you've been with. all the shit you've done. yea at first the thought of you being a freak will be appealing. but once you become our chick, having sex with you shouldn't feel like we're using a public toilet.

i'm saying..


Mel said...

"not even former girl scouts are that prepared.

SG, whatchu know about us girl scouts? Hmmmm?

~Sheila~ said...

I used to hang around a lot of hoes (I wasn't one tho). Then you learn that their reputation becomes YOUR reputation. People start associating their behaviors with you. I had to drop a few friends because people would say, "Hey, aren't you so and so's friend? Wanna hang out?"
Naw, man...That wasn't me.

That's not the game I like to play.

And damn, being prepared is another whole job in itself.

Mel said...

@Sheila: So true. There were some girls I used to hang around that were lesbians. At one point they thought I was one of them.

tha unpretentious narcissist © said...

@Mel: i know yall can tie a knot, but shouldn't be able to with the hairs down there...and your latter comment gets you a "hmmm...." lol

@Sheila: you're from my generation where we believed (well our parents told us) that the ppl we hang out with tells the world who we are. i never got that growing up. but that shit is so true. there is a way to have friends & diversify but all your friends can't fit the mold. if they do, then....yanno lol. birds of a feather..flock together.