last week i told you to stop running away from marriage. this week i'm telling you why it's taking him so long to pop that question.
manfive friday #87 topic of the week: why it takes a minute to ask that "BIG" question...
so you've weathered the storms. been together for what feels like forever. you know it's you & him forever. y'all have spoken on many occasions about it. contemplated what life would be like together. you even tricked him into browsing at rings with you. you've dropped a million hints, suggestions, clues, left your scratch sheets of paper with your name with his last name hyphenated behind it (since you "new" women want to hold on to every piece of your old self). so why the hell hasn't he asked you? what's the problem. what's the hold up...is there a line at Jared? 5 reasons why he is dragging his feet (and wallet) and prolonging asking you to marry him...
#5: all the pressure is on him..
generally speaking: asking you on a first date
----> his responsibility
arranging, paying, and impressing you on that date
----> his responsibility
fast forward to date # 119, you're ready for marriage
----> his responsibility.
hmm....let me say that again. "you're ready for marriage". but it's his responsibility. now if he was a guy like me, maybe by date #219...he might start thinking to himself, i really like her. i really want more with her. maybe she could be my MRS. but for some of my other brethren...it might not be until date #3,421 for that thought to enter their head. but somewhere around date #100 you're thinking..."enough of this dating shit..lets get this on". but unless you're Chrissy and your dude name is Jim Jones..you ain't breaking no paper, buying no ring, and asking him to marry you.
so it's on him. whether he's ready or not, at that point you're waiting on him. and your actions, words, hints, threats.....will all let him know you are waiting. you think it's just a question. you think it's just about buying a ring. you think it's just as simple as you saying, "yes". well it's not.
i've been there. i've done it. it's not simple on this end. it wasn't the "i'm not ready". or the "i gotta buy a ring". it's a "i know i feel ready, but am i ready". it's a "this is it...". a "how am i going to do this?". a "am i ready for everything that comes with & after this?". "will she like the ring?...cause she's told me a trillion things she doesn't like & 3 things she does and i've completely confused the 3 things with the trillion things". there is pressure behind the question. it is one of the biggest questions a man will ask in his life (to someone else). so if it's taking him a minute to build up the courage or to mentally prepare himself for this step....damn. give him a minute. all you gotta do is say, "yes".
#4: it's an investment...
i know they say civilization started in africa. and i know there are trillions of diamonds in africa. but i know adam did no have no diamond ring for eve. and even though wilma flintstone had on fur coats and was rocking rings like fred didn't work at a slate yard...i know good and well no cavemen were lacing cavewomen with bling bling. yes, as a society we've gotten outrageous with the "norms" and expectations = our wildest dreams. so i'll excuse you ladies who are looking at kim kardashion's ridiculously large engagement ring with wide eyes & salivating mouths. stop that. you do realize this is a big reason he hasn't asked you right?..
cause he think he's got to mortgage his whole future to buy you some shit you'll either lose, get stolen, want an upgrade, and/or walk away from thinking it's yours if the engagement doesn't work. used to be a guy could just ask you to marry him with no ring. then it graduated to him going down to the pawn store, trading his tuba in for a simple band. next guys started getting fancy and started heading down to the walmart, to pick out a nice gemstone (preferably your birth month...s/o to you april baby ladies y'all lucked out). then guys started putting away a check or two to afford something nicer than what your friend had (because that become a requirement after you saw her ring ). then ring companies started extending credit to guys and enticing them to buy now, pay later...this was to insure he got you something nice that eventually would become both of y'all debt anyway..so it's only fair right? but now guys are selling all of their furniture. their cars. donating blood & semen. having bake sells. selling lemonade. becoming strippers. all so they can afford to give you a shiny piece of jewelry that your friend's man will try to one up (out of necessity) when he ask her.
*WARNING* if you've been married before. bury your ex wife. um..well that would be considered murder right?
well don't do that...but understand there are few things that has to happen to ensure you aren't murdered yourself. first, don't describe your ex's ring to your chick. the ring does not exist. i don't care if you're still paying for that shit. the ring does not exist. she don't need to know the carats, the cut, the design, the store you bought it from, the proposal...nothing! hopefully your ex has "moved on" and isn't still rocking it, that in itself is a nightmare. next, do NOT let these two compare rings. understand that your ex wife's ring can NEVER be the same, comparable, or in the same league as the ring you're buying. do NOT go to the same place you bought her ring. don't even buy it in the same city or state. the last thing you need is your ex wife to see your new chick's ring..and do that "look down & giggle" move. and finally, don't make buying her the ring seem like "i've done it before..". don't take away from her special moment by lumping it with an experience with someone else. yes, you have to put more effort in making her understand that even though you've made this decision before, that you're making the right one with her. and all the things you want, is with her..and no one else. and that the feelings you have are different. please, don't recycle your proposal or ring.
all of these seems crazy. but honestly it is an investment. he's spending a big chunk of money for some very small. something that he hopes you like. something he hopes means something & that you treasure forever. it's got to be right. a ring is just a ring. but at the moment he buys it, it becomes a symbol of your commitment to one another. so stop with all the "big ring" pressure. all the "white gold, not yellow gold". "princess cut, not round". "colorless"...stop complaining and telling him what to buy you. trust he knows you well enough to buy you something nice. and be happy with what he gets you, unless he's the kind who spends 20k on rims and then buys you cracker jack ring..you shouldn't be mad. let's keep it real, a guy is gonna have on a simple band. meaning you're rocking a car, boat, house on your finger. he's rocking your weave money for next week on his.
#3: if for any reason you say no..that's it.
i think we've all seen the video of the proposal gone wrong. ol' boy in a club in front of all of these people. spilling out his heart. laying that good ol' speech down. opening up that little box and asking his chick to marry him. and she starts shaking her head, no.
yea...we all know he probably fucked up and was trying to "make it right". and in a movie..that shit works. in a movie i could sleep with your best friend, your sister, your mother, leave you for the first 3 years of our child's life. have no job. let you break up with me for the 20th time over a span of 20 years because i won't propose to you...go out buy a ring..and
TA-DA!..."
We'ze getting married now!".
but lets come back to real life. if we've been going through a lot of things. had a rocky relationship. and i honestly thought we were ready for that next step. and i asked you to marry me with the assumption.."we're going to be together anyway....we might as well go head and get that tax break..". and you say no...um. we aren't together tomorrow morning. you can't come back from a "no". that's it. it's no second chances. no, "thing about it..." or "let me know". woman if you say no...i'm going down to the strip club and marrying me one of them strippers. cause fuck what you've heard..you may not be able to propose with the same ring twice..but you can def "re-gift" that shit. lol.
#2: his idea of marriage...
his parents...never married / divorced
his friends...never married / divorced
sometimes a guy isn't quick to propose because he's not convinced marriage is for him or for anyone else for that matter. he may have been a product of a messy divorce. he may resent his parents for never getting married (so in his head...why do we need to get married, my parents didn't and they raised me ok). he may not see the value in marriage. none of his friends are married...he won't be able to do anything once he gets tied down to that ball & chain. once he marries you y'all gotta start sharing stuff? like food..a place to stay..money. err.. that sounds awful. never mind the fact that y'all have been living together for years. or been raising a child together. or are completely committed and know you're spending the rest of your lives together. the idea of putting a ring on his finger & signing a marriage license is "too much" & "unnecessary" because he puts no importance on marriage. what's important is how he feels and the fact you both know how much you love one another....so who needs a piece a paper ? *taylor swift shrug*...
parents are a big determining factor on things we hold important. friends hold a lot of weight when it comes to things we are willing to do. but at the end of the day, we have to be mature enough to realize when things are important. we have to want things, that maybe no one else in our life has ever wanted. yes...his parents may not have been married. they may have never gone to college either..does that mean you don't go or want to go? understand where he's coming from, in this regard..but don't excuse it. if a man loves you, he will respect something that is important to you. if he's going to drag his feet, fine..but the moment you see his feet are anchored in being common-law married to you go find someone who wants to "put a ring on it".
#1: no take backs..
being single is one thing. dating exclusively is a big deal. but getting married...*cue grim reaper* is life changing. as i stated last week (actually this week cause i was so late...but whatever) you women are starting to feel the "end of a era" when taking that next step as well. it's hard for a guy to phantom not being free anymore. picture him with a dirty white button up and a torn brown sack pants. you standing there with a whip, forcing him to go out and work all day. he can't leave without your permission, you always want to know where he is and what he's doing. you overseer...it's like he's signing up for slavery. he's willingly signing up to be with you & only you....FOREVER. no take backs.
the slavery thing is a joke...but unfortunately the "being together forever thing" seems like a joke to a lot of people these days as well. we all know by today's standards. everyone thinks marriage is so easy to enter and exit from that it devalues the meaning of marriage a billion times more than all of the other things people want to "claim" do. starting nor ending a marriage is supposed to be simple decision. getting a divorce was one of the hardest things i ever had to do & against so many things i believe. people who actually stand by what they are promising God & that other person...there is no take back. that's it. you are saying this is who i want to spend the rest of my life with. i'm putting faith in this person to love me through it all. to be faithful to me. to support me. to be with me till my or their last day. asking someone to marry you isn't doing it "for a big wedding and gifts". it's not because y'all been together for 7 years so you might as well do it. it's not because she's pregnant or you're going away to the military, jail, college. when you ask someone to marry you, you're asking them to become a part of you. it's not a simple question. it's the beginning of a promise that you'll be accountable for the rest of your life. a guy who realizes this isn't something you take lightly. and that this is a big step. a life changing step. will really think long and hard before he makes the decision to do it.
