manfive friday #95

you ever wonder why your guy does something really nice every now and then but goes back to his usual self. why can't his "usual self" be all the unusual good things he does when you're mad, disappointed, or complaining?

manfive friday #95: top 5 reasons men aren't consistent/don't wanna be consistent?... (courtesy of @dontbejellous)

wanna know why he ain't aiming for the "consistent target" every time. why he can call you every night for a week then go back to calling you once a week. why he can be there for you when you need him this week then he's missing in action like you couldn't possibly have another "i need you" moment again. top 5 reasons he's missing that mark...

#5: women get bored of consistency...

for serious..y'all do. consistency = predictable. and predictable is NEVER sexy to y'all. a guy who always buys you flowers. always calls you. always does something nice for you...gets placed in the annoying category. even though what he's doing is a positive..you find something to complain about. 

your girl says.."wow..mike bought you flowers" 

your reaction: "oh he ALWAYS buys me flowers.."

now if you get a guy who never buys you flowers...

your girl says.. "ooh you got some flowers"

your reaction: "i know aren't they pretty mike, got me flowers..girrrrl he gonna get him some tonight"

do you see how the reactions differ. mike is only rewarded/appreciated when he doesn't consistently do something nice for you. it takes a minute for guys to figure this out, but once we figure it out we stop doing shit. if i send a chick a card or a love letter and she acts like it's not special because she gets them all the time. that makes me think = she doesn't appreciate it. too much of a good thing can truly make you neglect the fact that you should appreciate when someone goes out their way to try to do something nice for you. especially when they go out their way to consistently do something nice for you. yea, someone cooking you the same meal everyday. someone wearing the same clothes everyday. someone having the same conversation everyday...can be extremely boring and annoying. but being predictable because i've paid attention to the things you like/want and try to give that to you on a consistent basis is not a reason for you to take what i'm doing for granted. all you ladies with guys who "used to do" all the things you like are partially to blame for them stopping. just saying. . .

#4: it takes discipline. . .

it's not easy to be consistent. it's not easy to always be there. to always know what someone wants/needs. so when it comes to being consistent on a daily basis it's not always second nature. you have to work at it. as a guy you have to learn your woman. you have to know what her looks mean. what the tones of her voice means. what excites her. disappoints her. what is important to her. you can be consistent at everything except the one thing she wants and needs. so it's important to actually know and do the things that make a difference to her.

#3: you're not consistent. . .

a lot of you women fail to understand a man being consistent sometimes depends on you being consistent as well. a case of the pot calling the kettle black. you can't talk about me not doing something you don't do. you also can't expect me to do something you're not willing to do. a lot of times women are "all over the place" yet want you to be consistent. if he can't depend on you. . . why should he be consistent for you? it's not a "tit for tat" situation. he shouldn't go out of his way to NOT be consistent, but why would he want to?  look at #4...it takes discipline. he's not doing it because it's easy. he's doing it because he feels you deserve it. and when you aren't giving him that consistency in return...he feels like he's being cheated.

#2: what is consistency? . . .(use it in a sentence)

it sounds unbelievable and seems like common sense. but, maybe just maybe...he doesn't know what consistency is. not the actual term. but the characteristic. The importance of being consistent is a value. it's something you have to see, learn, and apply to your life. if he's grown up with inconsistent people. dated multiple inconsistent people. he could be ignorant to the importance of being consistent. it could seem like nagging on your part. you're "complaining about nothing". or you "wanting him to change". instead of the realization that you just want him to step up and be responsible for his actions. if he can't comprehend what it is you want, he won't be able to comprehend what it is you need. 

#1: you don't expect him to be consistent. . .

could it be your fault? i find a lot of times women allow men to not function at their full potential. like he'd do more for someone else, because they expected more than you do. you can't lower the bar. you can't dismiss someone NOT doing something you feel you're deserving of. the problem starts with you. and could possibly end with you. 

i haven't forgotten...

i haven't forgotten about my personal challenge promise. just been out of town...and jet lagged as hell. actually wrote a lot on that 10hr flight (both ways). but in the midst of bowling & working today..just haven't had time to get it off my ipad & post it....so give me like a few hours to regain my bearings and i'll be back in business.

i'm a F - I - G - H - T - E - R

i'm a fighter.

when it comes to your heart, i'll fight.
when it comes to your trust, i'll fight.
when it comes to our love, i'll fight.



and i'm not afraid to lay my cards out. to be honest. to be open. to let you inside. to show my vulnerabilities. to trust in you, in us.

in a tug of war, i'll win.
in a win or draw, i'll win.
in a choose or lose, i'll choose to win.

that's a fighter. i'm a man who will stop at nothing to give my all. my everything. and will do anything to make it work. i won't walk away til there's nothing left to fight for.


are you a fighter? then fight with me...not against me, so we can both win.

what is unconditional love. . .

my answer to the question: what is unconditional love?

A. it's an undying love that sees no wrong. it's love without any conditions. it's something almost impossible for us to give, but something so many of us strive to "try" for. loving someone isn't being a fool, even though some of the time we feel like one. loving someone unconditionally  is accepting their flaws, faults, mistakes, the pain associated with loving them, the good, the bad, and the ugly. but just because you're love is unconditional for someone, doesn't mean you stay with them. how many of you still have love for someone who totally did you wrong? be it your family, your ex, your friends, etc. it is possible to still have unconditional love, but to love yourself enough to know that it's not going to work. breaking up doesn't = love lost. if it did half of the people mourning past relationships, past friendships, and lost family members wouldn't care. you still have love for them. your love didn't die. it's like expecting a mother to love her child who killed someone. although she may not agree with the way he's lived his life. the actions he's taken. the awful things he's responsible for. it doesn't change her love for her child. that's unconditional.

why is it that we can see love that way when it comes to family, but we can't see it that way when it comes to relationships. to answer one of your questions...do i think that sex & the city feeds into an illusion that "if i wait...he'll be my mr. wonderful". yes. do i think a lot of women base their romantic ideals on tv shows, books, or movies. yes i do. this is the purpose of these things. they are made to inspire and to give hope. do i think they are at fault if you fall for the bullshit? no. but if i'm dealing with someone similar to a tv character. and i see how things could turn into this wonderful romance, what's wrong with hoping for the best? the thing is it's the "hoping" part that comes back to bite you in the ass. because at the end of the day. carrie is sarah jessica parker-brodreck. a woman seemly happily married to a man for years with a child. totally opposite of her character. in reality she isn't even living this "illusion" that's she portraying on film & tv. so why are you looking at her or at a movie to guide you through a relationship? why are women trusting steve harvey to advise them on relationships? why do some of you listen to me when i rant and rave? it's the hope that what someone is telling you. what you're seeing and relating to can turn out for the best. everyone wants that. everyone wants to think that they aren't making a bad decision. that if it worked for them, it can work for us.

do i think unconditional love is forgiving someone for constantly treating you like shit? yes. but does that mean forgiving someone means staying in a relationship with someone treating you like shit? no. i can love you and not be with you. my unconditional love is, although i say i hate you...i know i love you. i know i care. my love for you is unconditional because even though you've dragged me through hell and back i still love you. and that's not going to change. even if we aren't together. don't confuse "standing by someone" as being abused by their disregard. your love is unconditional not your presence. you can give someone a million chances, but if they continue to break your heart it's apparent they don't care. your love may be unconditional for them, but their love towards you is conditional. the condition = you put up with their shit if you want to be with them. you feel me?

as for "not putting up with some one's shit" negating unconditional love. again, let me point you back to the mother who has a son in jail for murder. she may not accept his calls. she may not visit him. she may not confess his innocence. but it doesn't take away from her love. he can't argue.."if you love me, you'd come visit me in jail". because quite frankly, he's the reason he's in jail. she doesn't owe him that. that isn't a "sign of love" that's something he wants. in a relationship. in a friendship. you may have a friend of ex/current that want you to accept or show love the way they want you to. that doesn't mean that because you don't do what they want. you don't cater to their needs that you don't love them.

"unconditional love starts in your heart...journeys to your mind...and lives in your soul." - me 

it's something no one care take away from you. no matter how much of an asshole they are. they can beat, cheat, and mistreat. and deep down you still love them. does it mean you stay? HELL NAW. but the fact that you still love them is proof that your love for them is unconditional. other than that what else do you have to prove? especially to them?....

question time.....is back!

Q: what does UNCONDITIONAL love REALLY mean? i think women are confused...is it unconditional if you cheat on me and i take you back? and if i don't what was it?

i read an article on how 'Carrie & Big' from Sex & The City, have made some woman delusional and stay in bad relationships with the hope that their Mr. Big will have that moment of self awareness, show that grand gesture of love and live happily ever after. well i agree. not that any of us should go by whats on tv or movies,  but planting this fantasy isn't healthy either...

so my question is this: is that unconditional love? giving someone a million chances to repeatedly break your heart in the name of "love"

*Question (courtesy of Rells)

my answer will post at midnight. if any of you want to chime in beforehand, go head. 

1-800-SAVE-A-HOODRAT

S-A-H operator: hello?
hoodrat: hey, my name shatiqua ma'rie
S-A-H operator: okaay, shateeka how can i help you?
hoodrat: um, i saw this number in the hair show book. i was trying to see what y'all was talking bout
S-A-H operator: ok, let me ask you a few questions first.
hoodrat: go head
S-A-H operator: is or was your mama ever a hoodrat?
hoodrat: yea, i guess so
S-A-H operator: was her mama a hoodrat?
hoodrat: like my big mama? *pattin weave through the phone* yea, i guess she was. 
S-A-H operator: interesting...are you an only child?
hoodrat: uh...depends on what you mean. i got some sisters & brothers and shit 
S-A-H operator: do you have a good relationship with your father?
hoodrat: father? shit what's that?
S-A-H operator: okaaay, this is going to be a long phone call...

a hoodrat, is just a girl who needs love.

i had a dream. a dream that every little girl had a positive male role model & influence in her life. that she had someone to protect her. someone to direct her. someone to love her, the right way. someone who made her look at herself, and see strength. someone who made her want, expect, need better for every aspect of her life. someone who let her know it's okay to depend on someone, as long as they have your best interest at heart. she needs someone to tell her she's beautiful, but not to lead her to believe that's all she has going for herself. she needs a man to show her how men are suppose to treat a woman: their daughters, their wives, their mothers, their sisters, their nieces, any woman.

little boys aren't the only one's that need their fathers. they aren't the only one's who lose direction without a male role model in their life. little girls fall victim to not knowing what makes a man a man. it isn't tattoos. it isn't their stature. it has very little to do with their physical appearance. it's their upbringing. it's their values. it's the things that have been instilled in them that makes them different from all the other guys who never did you right. a hoodrat is a victim of a bad mentality. and it doesn't always correlate to not having a good father. there are plenty of good fathers out there with wild ass misguided daughters. just saying, if there were MORE fathers who cared enough about their daughters there would be less women who cared so little about themselves.

love your daughters.


1-800-SAVE-A-THUG....coming soon.

manfive friday #94

you know how when you got cheated on, dumped, or stuck in a problem filled relationship and you call your best friend up to lean on. you tell her everything he did. everything he said. and she's there for you. wipes the tears. holds the flashlight as you slash his tires. calls the chick he's cheating with and pretends to be a telemarketer to get all her personal information so y'all can show up to her house and catch his ass creeping out.

that's your girl. that's your chick. she got your back no matter what, right? well what happens when he comes back begging to be with you again. he works that magic he does so well and makes you forget he just put you through hell these past few months. he makes you forget he cheated. he makes you accept his child with his side chick. he puts that "thang" back on you and you lose your mind to the point that you take him back like nothing happen. and you're chick is just standing there, arms crossed, side-eye rolling, still ready to fight his ass. even though you don't "hate you jody" she HATES him. ok, maybe not hate. but she remembers all the shit you said. all the shit he put you through. all the nights she listened to you complain, cry, get all depressed. and she's not as forgiving. so of course...your boyfriend now HATES her. and you stuck in the middle of course and are torn between him and her. well this manfive isn't for you, it's for you friend...

manfive friday #94: what to do when she wants you to mend the relationship with her loser boyfriend so all y'all can be friends again. (aka: so she doesn't have to choose between the two of you) And she's suddenly too unavailable to be your friend anymore...

#5: pull her friend card...


STOP, allowing her to call you friend when she's not acting like one. don't get all hurt. don't hold your tongue. jump jennifer hudson on her ass and be like, "where you at?...where you at?..." cause she must have bumped her head and forgot you yanked her ass out that pity parade. when you call her and she tells you she's too busy. or is spending time with her dude. remind her who wasn't too busy to spend time with her while he was off mistreating her. it's not about competing for time with her. it's not about her "choosing" you over him. it's about her being a real damn friend and being there for you when you NEED her. that shit is a two way street. tell her ass to round the block on that one way and head in your direction.


#4: like ms. sophia said, "Hell Nawl"...

first off, you already don't like him. 

second, he's not your boyfriend.

and thirdly,  if anyone should be mending fences, it should be him. 

don't let her make you feel bad because you don't like him. let me tell y'all something men know that women don't...."y'all don't have to be friends". ideally it'll be nice if you enjoy hanging with them. if you're their relationship cheerleader. if you're rooting on their love affair. but truthfully her being with him ain't got shit to do with you if she's still able to function as a true friend to you. if she wants to be with a loser, let her be with a loser. that being said. tell her, that you don't care he doesn't like you. you don't like him either. now that y'all got that straight, let's move on with our friendship.


#3: reality check time...

ok, 2 weeks ago she was Kelis "she hate him so much right now". today,  she's badu and he's the "love of her life". sometimes you got to remind her about the past shit she's trying to forget. not to influence her to break up. but to let her know why you feel the way you do about him. and why it's kinda fucked up she is now playing like she got amnesia. a real friend supports their friend, but they don't let them be a fool. you can stand by and watch her waste another 2 months, 3 years, or a lifetime chasing after that loser...but don't do that shit quietly. true, it's her loser. she loves him. who are you to say anything? you're her best fucking friend..that's who you are. and the way you let her know is by showing her how crazy she's acting.

her: Tyler thinks you should apologize to him..
you: wait..apologize for him cheating on you, or for him taking your car to pick up his side hoe?
her: damn, that's kinda rude
you: so is you asking me to apologize to him.


don't let her ask you, instead of asking him to make amends. she should be telling him that you're just being a friend. that you still are upset with him about what he did and he should try to be considerate to the fact that she wants to have a relationship with both of you. what is straining the relationship isn't you or him. it's the fact that she's trying to appease one or both of you. and depending on which side she's leaning to more, one of you are going to feel like she's "choosing" the other. so you let her know how you feel. you let her know that you still expect her to be the friend you've been to her. and then you try to be as courteous as you can around him. but again...you don't have to be his friend. there are tons of ppl who haven't fucked up with their girlfriend/boyfriend and their girlfriend/boyfriend's best friend HATES them. the reality of your friendship now with her is..she's with him. you have to deal with that. she's your friend, he has to deal with that. you have to put that responsibility on her to make things right. it's NOT your responsibility to make him like you, just because you still hold him responsible for the things he did to your friend.


#2:just wait, he'll fuck up in 3..2..1...

it's bound the happen, and probably sooner than you think. you know why? because she is dealing with a loser. he'll fuck up again. and she'll be back...boo hooing in your ear about all the shit she can't believe he did, again. that's the things with friends, they may forget all the shit you've done for them..but they'll eventually need you again. that's what happens when you depend on someone. and as sure as she is working on trusting him this week. it'll be something next month that she needs you for. not to mention if she's been distant, and no longer has you there to fall back on. she'll turn around and see when he's gone, there is no one else there. and sometimes people need to deal with a situation themselves to really understand how crazy it is. you being that shoulder to lean on. trying not to be judgmental. giving her that false sense of "if you really love him, maybe it can work". she'll run out of disillusion quick fast and in a hurry. and she'll be like a pound puppy at your doorstep. trusting that you'll continue being the friend you've always been. hoping that no matter how she's treated you, you'll be the bigger person and be there for her. if you want your friend back, leave her on her own for a little bit. you never realize how much someone does for you, until they're no longer doing it. if you know the guy isn't good for her, but she wants to be with him. wash your hands of the situation, and wait.

#1: time to let her go...

this is the hardest thing to do. if you've been friends with someone. supported, loved, been through all the ups & downs. it almost feels like a betrayal not to be their friend anymore. you feel bad. you miss the friendship. you feel like you're losing so much, over someone so stupid. best friends allow you "fuck ups". they allow you "do overs". they allow you to make "stupid mistakes". and they will forgive you when they know in your heart you're sorry. but they don't have to be nor should they be on the losing end of a friendship. truth is, ladies. at some point you have to let her go. if she can't be your friend & be with him at the same time. if she chooses to let him control the friendship she has with you. if you are tired of going the extra mile for someone who won't even walk in place for you. cut the strings. go find someone you can depend on. someone who is not going to use you when they're alone, and forget you when they have someone. that's not a real friendship. it's true...sometimes people are blinded by love. but at some point they have to open their eyes and see how important you are in their life.  and if that's the case y'all will find a way to be friends again.


*manfive question courtesy of Rells. thanks for the comments, thanks for the question.

the let down...

dear mr. do no wrong,

i got your cd the other day. i must admit i was startled. usually i can't make it past track one. let alone track two. but to skip to track 5 in a matter of seconds.

the horror.

as you know i'm very critical of music. after all it's something i do day in & day out. and i can admit i am sometimes dissatisfied with some of my creations. but you, you have never let me down. until i listened to this cd.

yes. i even tried to do that thing where you get out the car, get back in the car and start the cd over and act like you never listened to it in hopes it would sound different the next time. sir, this did not happen this time. how can the dude who's cds are ALWAYS in my cd changer. who i wake up to the same 3 damn songs every morning for the past few years. how could he do this to me? not to say i do not enjoy your work. i am still 100% a fan of your music. and i'm still sadly trying to challenge myself to enjoy this cd. but i have to say, i am a bit disappointed. well greatly disappointed. how could you make the best song on the album a snippet? i can't even listen to it, without fast forwarding, rewinding, or listening to an entire other song. why ol' why?

i admit you haven't sold your soul like *cough* raheem *cough*. but you were my hands down go-to-guy when it came to saying, "i like every damn song this dude ever did...everyone. there isn't a song he's done that i haven't liked". you have now added a few songs to make that statement false. *covers face*. i'm sorry. i really am. i want to love it. but i can't. i want to listen to it and not hear all the wack features on it, but i can't. hopefully you will not think ill of me. hopefully you will not deem me as a hater. you are still my favorite artist. i just can't ride to your new cd, the same way i've ridden to your other one's. don't know why....well i do know why. i've just explained why. but i'm saying. i feel like i'm at a crossroad. like my two best friends are dangling off a building and i can only save one. i feel like because i don't like your new cd, i will somehow find another. ok...maybe i was wrong for saying that (out loud). there is not another like you. i'd just like you to go back and do another cd, asap.

please & thank you...signed

- your #1 fan

*and for all of you who know who i'm talking about...don't you dare say his name. i will not slander him, nor use his name in vain. 

at the top of my lungs. . .

i love you. but i dislike talking to you sometimes.

i see forever with you. but sometimes i just need some space.

i understand. but at times i think you're totally insane.

you make me so mad sometimes i just wanna scream at the top of my lungs..

FUCK

not fuck you. not we're fucking finish. just, FUCK! how can someone you love so much, make you so fucking mad. make you wanna punch a wall, a stranger, somebody's ugly little baby. how can i get so upset that it just totally ruins my mood or my day. how can you make me pissed off at EVERYONE else, when really i'm just mad at you. fuck.

can't think. can't focus. i'm walking around like a zombie, replaying our conversation. rehearsing my responses. wondering if i can deal with this. deal with you. fuck.

actually thinking all the other chicks i've dealt with aren't as crazy as i thought they were (but they are) cause you are mayor of crazyland today. and as crazy as i think you are right now...i still can't bring myself to saying, fuck you.

i just wanna scream FUCK...FUCK...FUCK...FUCK at the top of my lungs.

and then be back in love with you an hour later. fuck.

missing you. . .

"i'd wish upon a star
but the stars are too far
all i see is sky
and wonder where you are" -me

i reached out to touch you, but pulled back air. i checked over my shoulder, you're still not there. i feel like the days are too long. the nights are too cold. there's a void in my heart, a void in my soul. where did you go....what did i do....where can i go, to find you?

i miss....you.

challenging myself..

 

y'all notice when i'm challenge i can post everyday. but when i'm done, i get all lazy. not saying i'm going in on the blogging, but i'm gonna challenge myself this month to post at least once a day. not for bragging rights. not because everyone else is doing it. but just because i want to do it.

so guess what, like it or not. i'm gonna be all up in your dashboard. so get ready.

you ready?

love the way i lie...

 

remember when we used to be so close. yanno, that best friend shit. where we could talk for hours. tell each other all our dirty secrets. be honest as hell about how we feel. things we dislike. things we want. things we need. things we are afraid of being judged for. . . then we got together.

and all that shit stopped.

not that we aren't honest. not that we don't talk. not that we don't laugh and tell each other everybody else's secrets. but we got to that point where telling the truth = getting into a fight. not telling the truth about important shit. that we kinda do & deal with the ramifications. but telling the truth about dumb shit. dumb shit that before wouldn't matter. stuff that we would laugh about. stuff that we would be like, "whatever" and not be offended by. now it's like walking on eggshells. if i don't like your hair. you don't like my choice of attire. i think your friends are....

you get my point. i'm starting to think you love the way i lie. 

instead of telling you the truth. you'd prefer me to just say shit to avoid the fights, discussions, issues. 

saying, "i'm fine.." when you know i'm not.

saying, "it doesn't matter" when you know it does

saying, "nevermind" when it's on my mind

why do we do this? why can we be open and honest when there is little "on the line", but when we invest ourselves..we get scared. scared of judgement. scared of expressing ourselves. scared of losing that person because of petty, stupid, dumb opinions. opinions that were once valued. opinions that were once funny. 

when did we get so sensitive?

it's been so long.....

i had to clear the cob webs from my blog. i'm out of excuses. i've just not had time, forgive me. i'm getting back on it this week tho.