Saturday, May 8, 2010

manfive friday #42

ok...i'm late this time because i was not satisfied with what i wrote & didn't want to publish it. i wrote it thursday night, told myself i'd look over it in the morning tweak it and publish it. then i realized i wanted to change A LOT of things, and simply didn't have time to do it yesterday. i am reckless with my mouth, but the key to my insanity is i try to "think" out the best way to say shit. if i'm talking to women about themselves, i try to make sure i'm not talking AT you. so when i get on my rants, i try to make sure it's a rant where you can see where i'm coming from.

a few weeks ago, i walked into a twitter debate with this chick who said, "black women aren't men simply are NOT on their level, it's hard to find one who hasn't be in jail or that has a high school degree.". now i'm paraphrasing, those weren't her exact words..but's it's the basic ideal she was trying to drive in. i must admit i'm a natural debater. and even though i try to stay away from twitter debates, i got drawn into this one.

ok, i agree women have been getting the shit end of the stick for a while, especially black women. but you can't play the blame game. why is it a man's fault? in fact why is it "the black man's" fault your alone? be responsible for your own choices, decisions, & preferences. this state of "unmarriedness" didn't happen overnight.

this week's manfive friday #42 topic of the week is: the 5 REAL reasons why you are alone and/or not married....

i'm not calling you bitter. i'm not saying that men don't need to step up and do better, but that is NOT the reason you can't find a man. as mentioned in manfive #39, you ladies are under the illusion that the man of your dreams will appear to you as such in a timely matter. almost like people who expect God to appear exactly when they want him and to do exactly what they want him to do..if you're expecting God in a button up, on a horse, with a handful of diamonds... you'll be waiting for a long time. onto the many reasons why you're not boo'ed, wife'ed, or cuddled buddied up...

reason #5: qualifiers: "there is a shortage of good/qualified men. . ."

what is a good man? i've ranted in more than half of my manfive's that a lot of women wouldn't know a good man if he fell out of heaven and landed on your car with angel wings on. yall would not be about it, at all. yes, there are a lot of losers out there. but the truth is, yall like the losers more than the good guys anyway. there's no shortage of good/qualified men, there is a shortage of men that women DEEM good/qualified.

check my diagram up top. men will look at women and we can find different qualities that make them desirable..the same man can be attracted to 4 completely different women. different races, backgrounds, education, physical features (big ass, no ass, tall, short, thick, skinny, fat, pretty face, etc..), dependent, aren't as choosy. this is why men don't have a hard time being in relationships and getting married. yet women will scope a room and only deem one guy worthy IF she even chooses him. women set a prototype and then that's it. why is it hard to find a man that possesses everything you want? because there are 4 other women looking for the same shit. once you get in particulars. "he must be at least 6ft", "he must have been to college", "he must make at least 80k", "he must...." you are setting qualifiers. and those qualifiers shorten your dating pool. the more qualifiers you have the narrower your dating pool which narrows your chance at finding someone who fits the IMPORTANT qualifiers. once you find a guy who meets you're physical & personal preference qualifiers..he still has to treat you right & love you. you're in a sense weeding out the guys before you find those qualities, which leaves you thinking & feeling there aren't enough "good/qualified" guys around.

so when i read (during the twitter debate), "it's hard to find a black man without a criminal record & a h.s. degree". i'm thinking...where are you looking? most women know where to find those kind of guys, it's called college. you want a man with a h.s. degree who more than likely doesn't have a jail record..take your ass to college. you women get the game twisted when you're looking for "wine on a vine". it takes time for a man to become the man of your dreams. he isn't born that way. he doesn't know the right things to say, right way to act, his first actions aren't always the right ones. by thinking that a man has to be "everything" on first impression you shoot down someone with potential. not saying, you should accept garbage, but you should at least sift through it first before you assume it's trash.

reason #4: you don't want to do shit for a man: your "traditional values" gene has mutated. . .

it's the age of the "new woman". and for some odd reason you don't see the correlation of the # of single women to the decrease of traditional roles. newsflash ladies: there are still men who want that shit. like one of my twitter buddies is always saying, "i don't want no fat dude, two big people can't do shit for each other". i feel the same way about non-cooks. if you can't cook and/or won't cook..and i can't/won't cook..the hell we gonna do for food? eating out everyday is NOT an get the picture? i don't expect you to work 8-12 hours a day and come home and slave over a stove for me. i don't expect you to stay at home and babysit kids all day long. i don't expect you to submit to me as a concubine. i just want a team player. i just want someone who sees the benefit for us a whole. i'm willing to do what i have to do to take care of you...what are you willing to do?

you know you want a man who can fix things & do things around the house. you know you don't want a man who's too busy to spend time with you. you know you don't want a man who works too much that he never spends time with his kids. so why do you think you can sit around and not do any of the things he'd want in a woman? i look forward to having a wife that takes care of me & my kids. whether she works or not. if i'm giving you the option to NOT's not asking too much in MY opinion. these things may seem barbaric, because YOU don't see the importance in it. and yes, there can be compromises made. but seriously this is why a lot of you are alone. if i want someone who's gonna work all day, come home & be too tired to cook, play with the kids, & make love to me i might as well find me a roommate and forgo getting married. a lot of you ladies (i won't be pretentious and say "most") think that doing the traditional woman roles will somehow make you less of a person. where the fuck did yall get that idea from? that's like me thinking that working & providing for my family will make me less of a man. how can doing something that contributes to a relationship make you feel like less of a person? that's YOUR insecurities ladies. women these days are too scared to trust in men. you are too scared to depend on someone to take care of you and have your best interest in want to control that, by not being put in that position. not saying that's where women belong, or there's anything wrong with wanting a career outside of the house. just saying there is a level between being a soccer mom vs. having a nanny who takes your kid to soccer practice. a level between working 12+hrs and being a homemaker. just like me providing doesn't mean i can neglect you and not spend time with the kids. you can't avoid the household either. don't lose focus of those nurturing qualities that men appreciate.

say it with me...

sac·ri·fice [sak-ruh-fahys]


the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.

reason #3: you're hurt, damaged, or you're actually are bitter

i don't think the three are one in the same. i think they are steps. you get hurt, you become damaged, and then in result you CAN become bitter. i'm in no way trying to say that because you're hurt or damaged that MEANS you are bitter. just that most bitter chicks have been hurt or damaged in some sort of way that it's responsible for how they see things.

let's start off with, you hurt ladies...

the feeling of being hurt, leads to the 3 "a's" assumptions, avoidance, and absolution.

assumptions: after being hurt, you'll assume that's what love is. you'll assume that's
what you'll get. you assume this is what will happen again. you'll assume there is something wrong with you, or there is something wrong with love. which will lead to you not wanting to try it again. which will lead to you being afraid. which will lead to...

avoidance: once you've been hurt, you'll do anything to avoid being hurt again. you'll get the attitude that love isn't for you. that love isn't worth the trouble. that you'll be fine by yourself. you don't need it, want it, and will never have it.

absolution: this can go one of two ways. good or bad. yes, you were waiting on some poetic shit. but's only two ways.

the good way: you realize that it's not you. that's just the way love goes. that shit happens, and when it does you have to deal with it and move on.

the bad way: you realize that it's not you. that's just the way love goes. that shit happens, so now you want no part of it.

then we have the damaged ladies...

you ladies have been hurt to the point where you carry it with you. you can't open yourself up to be with someone, because you don't feel anyone will appreciate you. when in reality it's you who doesn't appreciate you. you don't see how great you are, and that the shit that was done, said, or that hurt you to this degree is some ol' bullshit. don't let anyone else's opinion of you, trump your own. don't ever let someone make you feel you're "beyond repair", because you're not broken. as long as you remember that, you can work on fixing the damage other's have done to you.

but the ladies who never realize that end up bitter...

bitter is part hurt, part jealousy. they are the chicks who are always hating on anything positive going on with you. they are the chicks being naysayers. they are the chicks using their experience to forecast why nothing works for you. they are the one's that even though they date, will NEVER have a man. but will always be because they find something wrong with them. not that there was something wrong with the guy. if you see a bitter chick, let her lemon ass be at the bitter party by herself. because a bitter chick don't want you to have anyone either. she will get in your way of having a dude, because then she'll by herself. a bitter chick wants you to be alone, so that her being alone isn't as noticeable.

reason #2: you confuse your independence or you get stuck in your own ways. . .

years of being by yourself, turns you into a "old maid" or into a very picky person. you get used to shit being a certain way. you get a routine. you get comfortable doing things yourself. so when it comes time to being with someone else, you think they should just adapt to your way of living. simply put....women who are used to taking care of themselves want to continue to. they don't need a man to do shit for them. which leads to them not wanting it. which ultimately leads to them not allowing a man to. and that's a big blow to our egos. even with no means, we want to take care of you. in some sort of way, women who are too "independent" are just that..independent.

which leads to you being stuck up. it leads you to feeling as if you can take it or leave it. almost like, "he can't do nothing for me, therefore he's not on my level". that's not true. a college dropout could could make ten times more than you (bill gates). just because you've achieved things in your life doesn't give you the right to look down on people. difference with men & women. men will date a woman who isn't, "on his level" credential wise. there are lots of things people can offer you. it doesn't always have to do with their credentials. a garbage man with a good upbringing can be a good man to you. when it comes to how people treat you, it's not about money, education, or looks. stop viewing people on the outside and get to know people for who they are. if you're independent and don't need a man financially, then maybe you should eliminate that as a need for a man you're trying to date. not saying go find a bum. just saying....why do you need a man who makes more than you when you make enough for you & him? if men thought that way..yanno how many single women there would really be?

reason #1: yall just don't want or aren't ready for a man

yes....this is really a real reason. you choose to be alone. you choose not to have a man. then you complain about it. why the fuck are you complaining? you're in control of your life. you're in control of your choices. you're in control of NOT allowing a man in your life. either that or you're not ready for one and when you do get one you mess the shit up because you have NO IDEA what you want. i could rant all day about this..but i think you pretty much know where i'm going with this one...


Isis said...

i can appreciate some of what you're saying, but i'm way past fatigued of the "this is why black women can't get a (black) man" conversation...
i feel like it's just more negative energy directed towards black women, when in truth there are many of us who are happily married/partenered/single & mingling/single & solo/polyamorous.
& while i understand your man5s are to give a male insight to straight women...i think the best source of info on how to get a black man (for any woman who feels the need to even get advice on the subject) would come from women who did so successfully.

Anonymous said...

I believe for a lot of women the reasons you've stated are exact reasons why some of them can't find what they're looking for. Being hurt by a man is always the main factor. It causes one to become very ptotected of their hearts and feelings. Thus causing them to sabatage any future relations before they can even begin.

The key is, make sure your heart is healed fully before u decide to move on. Make sure u check your luggage before u get on the plane.

Kevin Nash, a radio personality here said it best" why are we continuing to pay storage on baggage we don't even want?" That's a damn good question.

xxxx said...

*i like that you quoted me* lol but anyway i loved your man five this week as i do every week but i really enjoyed this one. everything you stated is absolutely correct, i myself as a young black woman can see that these things are our problem. i am in college and my peers claim they want an educated black man who is not in jail, we have a campus full of them, yet they overlook these young men for the more "successful" older men that we assume may have they shit together just because they are older and not in school, when its really not the case at all. my boyfriend and i that i have been on and off with for the past four years is a good man, he has his flaws just like i have mine but im not going to be quick to point his out and not own up to my own. i give credit when credit is dued, and although i am young he and i have grown as two seperate individuals and as one together. we compromise and we know our roles. i always state that i want to be a wife and mother, i have no problem with compromise or submission (as long as my partner is willing to do the same).. traditional values is what i look for, i know i have the ability to be independent but there is no I in we. And I do what a good man( the perfect man for ME) and a family.
but anyway i agree with everything that you have stated.. and im passing it along cause more women and men need to read what you talking about, its nothing but the truth

tha unpretentious narcissist © said...

@isis: the entire piece wasn't aimed at black women. I don't think it's a struggle for a black woman to marry a black man. Too many ppl I see getting married. I think it's easier to say, "it's impossible" then to actually try. I think black women are tired & discouraged of looking, waiting, & finding a black man to marry. My post was only pointing out that women let shit get in their way. You try to justify his worth. You try to avoid because you're hurt. You try to say "fuck it, I don't need a man..". This post was just a reminder that you being alone ultimately is yur decision. There are enough men out're just not opened to them. (You..being general..not "you" in particular)

@msluvlykrissy: that's very true. But just like have baggage too. The dfference..women will force you to get over & rid of yours. Men will allow you to be in a relationship with them while you're still mourning your first, second & third love.

@xxxx: yanno I like that quote...and I agree. The key is finding that perfect person for you. Perfect by your standards.

Tauni said...

white girl here! Laughing I believe this blog is to anyone and totaly loved to read it. Plus the luggage qoute so true;) I'm in a position were I'm up front and open that I am not ready, still healing. Some get a little pushy! Okay alot pushy... I just walk away. I don't know if that's good or bad but what I do know if they can't respect my feeling and boundries how are they gonna respect the other parts of me? >T<