Saturday, May 16, 2009
love dissertation via 808's & heartbreak
love is a funny thing! actually, let me take that back. there is NOTHING funny about love. love is a series of different emotions: joy, pain, ups, downs, detachment, stalking, completeness, (mis-)understandings, (in-)security, excitement, boredom, etc...
depending on where you are in your life, love can be many different things. i think with time, you develop an understanding of what you need & what you don't need. i think kanye west was on the realest shit of his life when he dropped 808's & heartbreak. totally co-sign this album for documenting the ups & downs of love.
watch as i breakdown my love stages via Kanye West "808's & heartbreak" titles..
"i'm not loving you, the way i wanted to. i can't keep my cool, so i keep it true. i got somethin' to lose, so i gotta move. i can't keep myself and still keep you too..so keep your love locked down. you love locked down. keeping your love locked down, your love locked down. i keep your love locked down, your love locked down. i keep your love locked down, you lose...." - Love Lockdown
when i was younger, i dated one girl (middle school through college). that was all i knew & when that love came crashing down it seemed like the end of the world to me. after suffering my "mini nervous breakdown", i had to get my mind right. so i told myself, i'm not gonna love like that again. it put me in a love limbo for years, because truly my resistance to love was the fact that i still loved her. it was this realization that allowed me to move on.
"i'm a monster, i'm a maven. i know this world is changin'. never give in, never gave up. i'm the only thing i'm afraid of....no matter what you'll never take that from me. my reign is as far as your eyes can see..i'ma amazing, so amazing.." - Amazing
after that realization i became "amazing". this was the rest of my college years to mid twenties. it took a while before i dated or even thought about talking to anyone else. i still had her in my heart, but i got her out of my mind (most times). i admit i wasted the time of a few nice girls, to my defense i didn't know i was doing it at the time. i had just made up in my mind, that i was going to find a nice girl to hang with & we'll see from there. but marriage was NEVER on the table. until i met, heartless..
Heartless: Bad News : Coldest Winter
"in the night, i hear'em talk, the coldest story ever told. somewhere far along this road he lost his soul. to a woman so heartless..how could you be so heartless" - Heartless
"didn't you know, i was waiting on you? waiting on a dream that'll never come true. didn't you know, i was waiting on you? my face turned to stone, when i heard the news..when you decide to break the rules? cause i just heard some real bad news...people will talk like it's old news. i played it off and act like i already knew. let me ask you, how long have you known dude? you played it off and act like he's brand new..when you decide to break the rules? cause i just heard some real bad news..." - Bad News
"only lonely nights, i start to fade. her love's a thousand miles away. memories made in the coldest winter. goodbye my friend, will i ever love again? memories made in the coldest winter.."- Coldest Winter
ok, mrs. X (code name for my ex-wife), totally fooled me. anyone who knows me, knows from the beginning i said, "i'm going to marry her". within a few weeks of talking/dating. i claimed her as my girlfriend, shortly after my fiance, then my wife. we had a beautiful son & started our life together. that's when the shit hit the fan. she became heartless, & hit me with some real bad news which started the coldest winter.
Welcome to Heartbreak:
"and my head keeps spinning. can't stop having these visions, i gotta get with it.." -welcome to heartbreak
after mrs. X decided she wanted to start a new relationship during our current one. i entered true heartbreak. i'm a traditional guy. i only wanted to be married once. i only wanted to have children with one woman. how can one person screw up what you want in life for you? although she left me with a beautiful son, she took away everything else i felt i had. i admit i was prepared to go into a full nervous breakdown because i was going through some things health wise at the same time. but thanks to my family & some real good friends i made it through this time w/o a love lockdown. instead...
See You In My Nightmare:
"i got my life, and it's my only one. i got the night, i'm running from the sun. so tonight i'm running headed out the door....after tonight there will be no return, after tonight i'm taking off on the road.....and that you know....tell everybody that you know. that i don't love you no more. and that's one thing that you know, that you know. okay i'm back up on my grind. you do you, and i'm just gonna do mine. you do you. cause i'm just gonna be fine. OK, i got you out my mind. the night is young. the drinks is cold. the stars is out. i'm ready to go. you always thought i was always wrong. but now you know. tell everybody, everybody that you know. tell everybody that you know. that i don't love you no more. and that's one thing that you know, that you know."
"you got the right to put up a fight, but not quite. cause you cut off my light. but my sight, is better tonight. and i might...see you in my nightmares. but how did you get there. cause we we're once a fairytale..but this is farewell...yea..." "baby girl i'm finished, i thought we were committed.i thought we were cemented, ooh we thought we meant it. but now we just repenting. and now we just resenting. the clouds was in my vision, look at how high that i be getting. and it's all because of you. girl we through, you think your shit don't stank but you are miss P-U. and i don't see you, with me no more. but tell everybody that you know...that you know..." - See You In My Nightmares
this song says it all. nothing else i have to say...
"let me know, do i still have time to grow. things aren't always set in stone. let me know. let me know. let me...seems like streetlights, glowing. happen to be just like moments, passing in front of me. so i hopped in the cab, and i paid my fare. see i know my destinations, but i'm just not there....in the streets. i'm just not there, in the streets, life just not fair.." - Street Lights
after the realization that life has to go on. i had to start over. i knew where i was going, just had to figure out how to get there. a life as a single man, after you've been married is crazy. you have that horrible "divorced" stigma attached to you. you have a child, that you have to raise as a single father instead of how you envisioned. i knew God had taken care of me, allowed me to rid myself of mrs. X, without ridding myself of "me". so i knew the next chapter of my life was going to happen, just wasn't sure how yet...
Say You Will: RoboCop: Paranoid:
dating when you're separated SUCKS! women don't really want to come near you because you're "still married"or they think they're your "rebound girl". i guess no one understands what place that puts you in. it's like, mrs. X is with her new dude..engaged. and every girl you talk to and explain your situation is "side eyeing" you like..."negro please.." lol. after my divorced i was armed with the bias that "it will not happen again...". so all women that follow will have a harder time loving me, convincing me & fooling me.
" hey, hey, hey..don't say you will. unless you will. hey, hey, hey..don't say you will. they play you will. i pray you will." - Say You Will
after you've been in a committed situation. you look at dating different. i'm not looking for some chick who just wants to date me. i not the same single i was years ago. so it's hard finding women who are on the same path. a lot of times, they "say they will" but they aren't ready to make that step with you.
"bout the baddest girl i ever seen..straight out a movie scene. who knew she was a drama queen...that would turn my life to stephen king. up late at night, like she on patrol. checking everything like i'm on parole. i told her it's some things she don't need to know. okay, okay, okay.... cause i don't want no robocop, your moving like a robocop. when did you become a robocop, now i don't need no robocop." - Robocop
i'm also not about being checked. i think a lot of women lack trust, therefore they want you in their back pocket. they want to know everything you're doing, when, how, & why. which causes unnecessary drama, drama i'm not used to because i've never been in a situation where a chick didn't trust me before. i'm from the old school, where you trust until you have a reason not to. i trusted mrs. X, she didn't sneak behind my back she did everything in front of my face. it was the trust i had that allowed her to do so. but i wasn't wrong in trusting her, she was wrong in betraying that trust. so when a woman doesn't trust me to the point where she's a robocop, it's def not a good look.
"why are you so paranoid...don't be so paranoid.... all of the time, you wanna complain about the nights alone. so now your here with me, stressing about it, you shoulda left that attitude way back at home. you see'em look crazy, let'em look, get you cold look, cause we look cold. yeah, you heard about all the word of mouth. don't worry about what we can't control..." -Paranoid
again..chicks are so paranoid. i hate when a woman listens to her friends about you. most times their friends only know "hsots" (her side of the story), and speak out the wrong sides of their mouth. i'm a busy guy....i work a lot, i have a son (which i have solely 5days a week), and i have family responsibilities. i hate when a woman doesn't get that. when they aren't appreciative of the things you do for them. all they do is complain about what you don't do.
"wise men say...you'll never figure out real love...i got the whole world figured out...but i could never seem to find what real love was about. "do you think i sacrifice real life for all the fame...& flashing lights." - Pinocchio Story
i'm still trying to figure out love. what i'm suppose to do, how i'm suppose to do it. what will make a woman truly happy, gracious, & love me the way i want to be wanted. my work, does get in a way. i spend months locked in the studio, unable to give all the quality time i need to. this isn't a hobby tho. it's what pays my bills, provides for my son, and my other love. it's what has loved me since i was born...and until you "say you will...", you're gonna have to understand that!