Saturday, July 9, 2011

manfive friday #85

hi,

have you recently had your heart ripped out...your dreams crushed... or your time wasted?

are you the newest member of the lonely hearts club...never again club...or the i should have known better club?

it hurts when a relationship ends. it especially hurts when it ends and your world stops..but their world keeps on moving. and as you sit there pondering, wondering, and sulking..they are dating, laughing, and enjoying life.

or at least it seems like they are.

manfive friday #85 topic of the week: how to stop hanging on when your dude has moved on..

a friend asked me to do this manfive. and while i can't explain this from a female's p.o.v., i'm going to attempt to offer some advice. but if some of you ladies have suggestions you can leave it in the comment area.

#5: understand the break-up & accept it:

why?...

it's the simplest question that never gets answered to your satisfaction.

  • yes he cheated, but why? 
  • maybe he wasn't ready for a committed relationship or to make the next step, but why?
  • why were you fed up and tired of fighting?
  • you thought everything was fine, why did he leave?

a lot of times people don't take the time to understand the problems that ended the relationship. sometimes we don't hold ourselves accountable for the things we were guilty of. you're always going to see your side of the situation. but have you really took the time to see his side? not that it would justify or change the decision. but, do you understand how y'all got to this point? do you know why it's over. do you agree, do you want it to be over, do you want him back, do you hate him, did you make a mistake?.. now ask yourself, why.....?

it's hard enough to understand the reasons. but after you understand it, you have to accept it. you have to accept that it's over, to move on. and that's not an easy task.

#4: don't fall for false impressions:

just because it looks like he's doing great, don't assume the smoke and mirrors are all puppy dogs and smiley faces. we'd like to see our ex-significant other on the side of the freeway ramp, begging for tape to mend their broken heart..but most times that's not going to happen. i'ma keep it real....one person is going to hurt more than the other.  if it's them, *whispers* YES! if it's you...*screams* DAMMIT. no but for real, people deal with breakups differently.

you got:

  • in the bed all day, all night. refuse to eat. refuse talk, see, look at another human being.
  • in friend circle support groups, self help books: "reclaiming single life"
  • gotta get with all the chicks/dudes i've been missing out on while in a relationship
  • heartbroken, will never date again!
  • the list go on...


just because you belong to one group after one break-up, doesn't mean you'll react that same way after your next one. so just because his last girlfriend had him in the bed with the blinds closed for 3 weeks. and he's out with his boys the night after y'all break up trying to get chicks. it's not that he's been cheating all along. or he didn't really love you. maybe in his head, he said.."i'm never gonna get so depressed over a breakup that i'm sitting in a room for 3 weeks barely breathing". maybe his boys refused to let him sit up in the house. maybe the chick he's picking up he's spending the whole night talking about you. maybe not..but hey who knows? the thing to remember is no matter what he's doing, don't let it drive you crazy. you have to be responsible for your own healing. worry about you. focus on you.



#3: eliminate reminders:

that teddy bear on your bed. those rotating pictures in your digital picture frame. delete his number, block his email address, twitter, facebook, etc.. take off his sweater, t-shirt, basketball shorts...etc. all that shit that makes you cry. all that shit that "still smells like him". all that shit that makes you relive your relationship & fact that you're not in one. box it up. delete it. tear it up. get rid of ALL the emotional shit with his name all over it.

i know the sentimental value is worth more than words can say. i know that you've convinced yourself that these tokens are safe. that you can keep them and not think about him. stop lying to yourself. stop torturing yourself. if you can pack something away for your memory lane trip years from now, more power to you. but if you're sleeping with his picture under your pillow every night, resurrecting shrines out of his old gum, saving and counting his pubic hair...you need to be choked out by your own panties.


#2: learn from the experience:

the best teacher sometimes is experience. good or bad, you can always learn from everything that happens in your life. all the things that have made you a stronger person has made you better person. all the shit you put up with, has shown you that dealing with this type of person is NOT what you need. you now know the things you won't accept. the things you wants. all of the warning signs. pretend it's back 2 the future..just live in the future and do not make the same mistakes.



#1: take your time & love yourself:

maybe it took him neglecting you to realize how amazing you are. maybe it took you being alone to focus on the bigger picture, you. best way to move on, is to realize that this doesn't define you. this doesn't kill you. it's going to hurt like hell, if you really loved them it's going to hurt worse than hell (if that's possible).

you have to let go of all the things you thought were going to happen, things you wanted to happen, as well as the things that did happen. you have to have faith that love didn't stop with that person, and that there is someone out there "better". and at this point you have to know you deserve the "better" that is out there. it starts with you. being able to move on is something you have to do at your own pace. it's something no one can tell you how long you can sulk, how long you can hold on to that memory, how long you can hold out hope that things will be better. it's something that is completely dependent on you. so take your time. no it isn't good to be depressed, lonely, bitter..etc. but you have to go through all the motions in order to get past it.

7 comments:

what is your light? said...

thanks for making this post!

for #5 i think some people can't accept breakups b/c they don't want to admit what they did wrong...but in my case...when you've wracked ur brain to try to figure out the answer & you don't get any...i think you just have to accept that you can't make someone 1 love you.

and yeah i'm trying to get #1 & #2 together, which has meant a lot of gym-going & eating healthier (for #1) & hours lost in ponderance (for #2).

i'm kinda laughing at myself now for being so dramatic in my heartbreak & "hurt"ness (i know "hurtness" is not a word)...& honestly think whenever i next encounter him, it won't be a big deal to me at all.

Krissy said...

I think one problem a lot of women have when a relationship ends is that we NEED closure. We need validation that it wasn't something we did. That it wasn't us. We need facts and examples. Its much easier to move on once you have those things. The thing is, no amout of explaination ever makes it better. Its easier to just move on than get a man to REALLY explain to you why he's done the things he's done or why he's over the relationship.

Eyes On The Prize (eyesOTP) said...

^ Krissy that was well said. Never looked at things that way.

Man, this post is so timely! I think I am gonna read this every time my mind starts tripping. Cuz it IS trippin, and like you said, it has to start with me to get over this.

Everything happens for a reason. It really does. Will I never know the reason from his point of view? Probably not. But honestly, do I really need to? Nope. :)

Eyes On The Prize (eyesOTP) said...

^ He showed his azz enough to me that I don't need to hear any explanation at this point. It's summer and this is the time to really enjoy ME, cause one monkey don't stop no show.

Rells said...

I HOPE YOU BROUGHT YOUR UMBRELLA! CUZ ITS RAININ HARD COLD FACTS UP IN HERE!! LOL

wow!! the truth hurts but also helps the healing process..i love how you started off:
"have you recently had your heart ripped out...your dreams crushed... or your time wasted?

are you the newest member of the lonely hearts club...never again club...or the i should have known better club?"

umm YES TO ALL OF THE ABOVE. but i know i'll get past it, just like the last broken heart. this too shall pass. but your words helped, and i thought you should know :-)

Eyes On The Prize (eyesOTP) said...

Had to come back and read this again.

tha unpretentious narcissist© said...

@what is your light?: you're welcome. and i feel you on the you can't make someone love you. don't laugh at yourself, it's human to feel slighted or hurt by a break up. all we can do is live. learn. and keep it moving.

@krissy: it's always easier to move on than to get answers. because as long as a person knows that's what you want, they know they hold that thing that can possibly pull you back.

@eyesOTP: lol..@ one monkey don't stop no show. that's true. i've always been like that. i get hurt. i get sad. but usually once i realize the person wasn't worth it. i can still love me at the end of the day. and as long as i can love me, i can live. glad you came back and read it again...

@rells: aww thanks. i appreciate that. and i'm glad it helped. it will pass, and it will get better.