i know some of you are sitting there shaking your head. "never me. never would i be that stupid..". i hate to tell you ladies..one day love will come, kick you in the ass, and knock all your good senses out of your head. one day. yes, one day you might find yourself deeming someone so important you're willing to give up everything to be with. to be near. to have and to hold on a every night basis. sounds crazy huh?
manfive friday #78 topic of the week: 5 things to consider when contemplating moving to be with him..
now i know there are a lot of you out there who think that moving for a man is barbaric. some of you look at it as the end of life as you know it. some of you see it as your independence slipping through and between your little manicured fingers. i know..cause my current chick views it this way. some of you ladies feel it's a last resort. it's something you'll do when you've gotten to that point in your life where it's inevitable. then there are the ladies who have been waiting on a man to utter those words, "i want to wake up beside you every morning". or he tells you he misses you so much and hates not being near you. and your little romantic heart flutters with love, and you two can think of nothing more delightful then being close to the one you love. this manfive is for all of you..
#5: do not move for a temporary get-a-way
make sure you actually want to be with dude. this is mostly you young ladies who are trying to escape something. you see moving as a new start. a new beginning. something "better" than your current situation. you're living with your mom and getting tired of having to be in before 1am. if you're just moving to escape a bad situation...
temporary isn't forever. and you'll find yourself trying to escape this situation soon as well. moving to be with someone isn't a spontaneous decision. it's not a "it's better than living with my mama" decision. it's not a "i have a sucky job, and he has an apartment i can stay in free" decision. it's not a "let's place house..and if i don't like it i can leave" decision. if the only reasons you come up with are to escape your current circumstances.. remember this.
you can be in a fucked up situation no matter where you are, and who you're living with.
stay your ass at home with your mama til you can find a better solution. your mama might have dumb ass rules, but she ain't gonna expect you to kick in half the rent, cook dinner, and give up the ass..these are things you give freely when you actually want to be with someone. but doing it to maintain a place to stay, becomes a job. a job you might not want after a while...
#4: do not move if he is not promising you anything
i tell all my female friends who hit me with the, "he wants me to move in..." situation, to evaluate what he's offering you. sharing an apartment as "roommates w/ benefits" is one thing. giving up your apartment to move in with him, quitting a job, moving to another state..etc. is a commitment. so why are you making a commitment like that, without one from him? you think i'm bullshitting. some women move in with guys who won't even call them their girlfriends. some women drop everything to "support" a man who isn't "ready for a relationship".
it's time you ladies started valuing yourselves, your time, your sacrifices. it's hard to get most of you to give up the remote control let alone, convince you to give up your job. if he's asking you to sacrifice, make sure he's offering you something better. if not..why the hell are you moving?
#3. have a plan. a real plan.
a lot of you independent ladies look at moving for a guy as death. it's equivalent to a man giving up his "black book". you feel like you're giving up life as you know it. it's not for selfish reasons like, "you want to bang all the dudes you can before you're 30...".. oh no..y'all got your own selfish reasons, "this dude gonna want to have kids....", "he's gonna want me to be playing the wife role...", "he's gonna expect me to assimilate to his life..". yes. you ladies want to be independent forever. you want to have a husband, but you still want to be independent.
so what i'm about to say next is gonna sound like a contradiction. you can't hold on to your independence when it comes to being with someone else. if you truly love him & trust him, you're going to have to depend on him. when i say depend on him, i mean period. not on a financial tip. not on a "you're my only friend" tip. not on a "i can't make decisions for myself" tip. but on a "i love you and we're going to do this together" tip.
that being said. if you move. if you give up things to be with him. even if he's offering you marriage. even if he's offering you a serious commitment. do not move without any backup (a trade, skills, etc..). i think we all know that a ring doesn't mean y'all getting married. co-signing on shit doesn't legally bind you to each other (only binds both of you to the shit you co-signed for). i'm not saying, don't take a leap of faith. i'm not saying don't trust him.
what i'm saying is don't quit Medical school to move in with a guy barely making it. you have to be secure in your dependence to him. this doesn't mean you have to be working, just make sure if you have to..you can. it doesn't mean you have to have a PH.D., just means that you transfer schools if you move. moving doesn't mean you have to give up opportunities. and this isn't being pessimistic. it's just a safeguard. if anything happens, you have to be able to land back on your own feet. don't let someone cripple you or your life. believing someone is "the one" is worth taking the chance. but if that doesn't pan out, always have something to fall back on. have a plan b...
#2: hurt when breathe...
yes i'm making fun of diddy. but seriously. if it hurts to breathe without him. then what are you waiting for? if you've weighed the options. if you can't live without him. then move. stop being afraid. stop being unsure. uncertainty is for people with too much time on their hands. i know it's like telling someone on the edge of a building to jump. but jumping with a bungee cord. jumping with a parachute. jumping with a safety net ...are all going to give you that scary thrill of "this might be a mistake". but in the end you'll be alright and enjoy that thrill. what you're getting is worth being afraid. it's worth taking that leap. if it's real, if it works..it's worth any & everything you could possibly do. so go head and breathe...
#1: slow it down..
if you relocate. and it's too much, too fast. slow it down. moving to be closer to someone doesn't always mean moving in the same home. doesn't mean moving to the same city. doesn't mean that you're obligated to play house. just means you genuinely miss that person. so instead of you living in Japan and him living in Australia...maybe y'all can move to the same continent. instead of him living in New York and you living in California. y'all coordinate it so y'all are in the same time zone. baby steps for y'all who aren't ready to dive in head first. or like i call it, "heart first".
i get into arguments with my chick all the time because she'll comment on how she visits a place and wants to move there for 3 months. and it's like..um..how about here? and she doesn't get it's not a "you need to move in with me thing". it's a "you need to be trying to move closer not further away..". this step takes a lot of patient. takes maturity. because let's face it..you're still not together. you're still operating in a "long distance" relationship. but it's a step. a step closer to where you need to be headed.
stop fearing commitment. stop being scared. if you need to ease into it...do that. but ultimately be sure. be ready. and be honest. it won't work if only one person wants it.
(yall see how i got this manfive up all early on a friday. promise i'm about to start doing better lol)