what u doin?......

i'm bullshittin'.

i'm gonna try something different today. y'all wanna know what i'm doing today? absolutely nothing. and i'll show y'all. i will be updating this post over and over. first we're gonna start with the snow. since y'all think i'm being dramatic about being snowed in. i went outside yesterday and took this picture for the naysayers who thought i was bullshitting about it actually being a pretty good snow for GA. you gotta remember we don't get snow like this. and all this shit happen in less than 12 hours. and it's like 6 1/2 to 7 inches in my back yard. and i know some of yall are scoffing. trust me. i've lived in the north. i know what a real snow is. but this is a lot for the south. and we don't have all the fancy snow plows, salt trucks, snow tires, etc. so we are really stranded. it's like a ice rink outside.

so if i can't leave what exactly can i do? eat. and unfortunately i've already eaten my breakfast, so i won't be able to share that with you. but it'll be time to eat lunch in a minute...in a second you'll see me being a fat ass. so what am i don't right now, at this exact moment? um, writing this blog. do you really need a picture of that? or can you just take my word for it? anyway. other than that i'm just sitting in my home studio, listening to one of my favorite artist. if you have to ask...you don't pay attention. but for all you new folks..it's eric roberson. currently playing "please don't leave me..". and 
trying to decide if i'm gonna work today or just continue to play around. i've been told to blog, but i got too much energy to sit down at the computer and really write. plus it's a super distraction trying to write in here. i have tweetdeck going. got my music playing. got my production partner calling me on skype every 5 minutes. i usually write on my netbook but the damn adapter died, i think. so i have to come into the land of distraction to blog..which leaves me doing everything but that. so i'm gonna go find something to do..and when i do i'll be back to show/tell you. so if there is anything you wanna see...besides me naked. let me know and i'll try to make it happen.

hit me on twitter. or leave a comment. 

think i might go heat up my leftovers from last night. don't worry, you'll see in a few fat ass minutes. * i'm back and doesn't it look good? i made that. please disregard the beer let's replace it in our mind with a glass of wine or some shit. we'll both pretend i'm more sophisticated and i don't drink beer with my lunch. it's baked chicken wings in a gravy with bell peppers & onions. and the rice is garlic and herb. i had corn (yes...another starch) last night, but i'm one of those people who believe you can't warm up corn or baked potatoes the next day. so i'm just making due with the chicken & rice. now that i'm done eating. let me move on the next thing...

it's between playing wii or watching tv. guess you'll have to wait to see which one i pick. ok so i picked playing wii. mostly cause it was in the closest room to me. and let's face it..i'm lazy. so it was between two games. michael jackson the experience and minute to win it. i don't care what y'all are thinking. i've told y'all i'm destined to be on that show. if my girlfriend working for nbc doesn't get in the way of that. anyway, guess which one i picked? disregard the lines...i dropped this tv on purpose cause my ex said she wanted it after we got divorced. then she decided not to take it, so i just use it to play video games on now. it only shows like that when i take a picture of something. it's really not messed up. if she would have taken it, i probably would have dropped it a few more times, to make sure it was really broke. lol. i plan to change it out with the tv downstairs when i buy a newer bigger one for the fireplace. so therefore i just deal with it for now. but back to the game. i played like 4 songs and got tired and sweaty. so i think i'm about to take a shower...then i'll shall be back. (unless y'all trying to get in the shower with me...)

 ok. so i got out and watched blood and bone. probably the best independent martial art black movie ever. i know you're thinking how many other independent martial art black movies are there..whatever, i'm sure there are more. but i got so much more respect for michael jai white. i mean spawn was alright. but the tyler perry movies, lost him tons of man points. but this movie along with black dynamite has earned him the right to do maybe one more tyler perry movie. but after i watched this, i went downstairs to make dinner. so what was for dinner tonight? spaghetti.

let me start by saying pictures are deceiving. the food tasted so much better than it looks in this picture. it was great..not as tasty or delicious as my food last night. i have no idea how i made that food last night. or why it was so good. but it will be a while before i top that. anyway. i made dinner, and now i'm talking to my girlfriend..which she'll make sure i don't do anything else productive or non productive tonight. so that was my whole boring day. sounds real boring right? hopefully the ice on the roads lets up. i need to re-up my groceries. re-up my movie selections. and go get my son. he actually called me and talked to me for over and hour today. about his toys. so obviously he's bored as hell too..lol.

                                              

light skin men 2011: back in style...

"light skin n...., but i'm not an average dude..."

this rant isn't meant to be a light skin vs. dark skin battle. i don't judge anyone by their skin tone. personally, you being yellow, caramel, brown, chocolate doesn't make you any less or more "black". this is simply a "why can't a light skin brother get some love?" post. i was on twitter the other day. and this chick said,

"i like dark men, but it's only the yellow ones dating me" . 

um. ok.
seriously?

the saddest part is, no one got offended. the women continued to rant and rave how dark skin women aren't appreciated and can't get love from dark skin men. you are just as color struck as the dudes you're complaining about. imagine if i said.."i like light skin women, but it's only the dark skin one's dating me?"...do you know how offensive that would be to you? you beautiful chocolate women would stomp me into the ground. so why is it okay to hate on light skin brothers?  like we aren't black. we aren't beautiful. nothing against my darker tone brothers, cause for a long time they were hating on y'all too. this isn't a "i gotta hate on you, to make my point" thing. i have nothing against dark skin guys. and i LOVE dark skin women. but i also LOVE light skin women. i LOVE caramel women. mocha. latte. red. yellow. i'm an equal skin tone opportunist.

so why don't y'all love me back? what is it about my teddy graham golden brown shade of sexy that offends you? why when the lights go out, do you act like you can still see me in the dark. you, ma'am are a liar. and you got jokes. why when you say, "i like my men tall, dark, & handsome" do you exclude me from two of those categories? ladies, i'd like for you to stop boycotting light skin men. stop acting like we are runner ups or stand-ins. the 11th of every month in 2011 is "hug a light skin man" day. find one. and hug him. show him some love.

in-secured baggage. . .

i admit to not being perfect. i don't think i'm the "shit". i don't think any one's world stops because of me. i admit to not being every women's dream man. i admit to not always having the right words to say. i admit to not being the most patient. the most calm, cool, or collective guy. i admit to not being the most assertive, aggressive, or confident guy. i probably won't admit i'm wrong. nor do i volunteer to apologize all of the time. sometimes i raise my voice. other times i shut down completely. i'm argumentative.  i'm stubborn. i'm stuck in my own ways. i'm probably shorter than you. i do care what people think of me. i don't get jealous, i get angry. i do trust you, but i don't trust him, her, or them. i completely over my ex, but it does still hurt to see her. talk to her. remember anything. i do have scars. emotional scars. tons of them.

can i blame one person for that?...no. is it solely my fault, something just in my head, or me being dramatic?...no. truth is. i have "in-secured" baggage. i don't know when i start packing this bag. i just know it started off as a nap sack.turned into a book bag. became a duffel bag. and has graduated to a full piece of luggage w/ wheels. i don't know if it was from all the teasing growing up. i'd like to think i outgrew that. that i'm not just saying, "i'm over that". i mean i do still remember the things people used to say. i remember their names. their faces. sometimes even what they were wearing. but most of all i remember how it made me just want to disappear. so i did (at least, the person i was disappeared). and packed it in my nap sack. i put my outside smile on and moved on.

and things were ok, until i got my heart broken for the first time. and i swore off love. then denied myself love for years. i wasted a few girls time. i made a few of them fall in love with me. i admit it was wrong. but i needed love. i needed that. i didn't lie about my feelings. i just had no feelings. and when they found that out, they left. left me, all alone. and i hate to be alone. i'm scared to be alone. i don't want to be alone. i can't be alone. but i accepted that was my life. that's what God wanted. i mean isn't it? cause i'm a good person. i have good intentions. and obviously if i'm alone, it's cause God wants me to be, right? yea. i struggled, battled, prayed, wished, asked. . . then i one day i got an answer. one day the wait was over. i saw the person i wanted to be. and i found someone who enabled me to be that person. and it was great. till i found out she wasn't perfect. that love is imperfect. that control is variable. that bad things will continue to happen to good people. and i remember again...wanting to disappear. praying to disappear. but i couldn't. so i packed it in my book bag. i put my outside smile on and moved on.

things weren't ok immediately like the last time.that's when i found out the headaches i was having, weren't just headaches. i found out that i wasn't invincible. that something could be worse than losing love. that something could stop me from being the kind of father i want to be for my son. something could stop me from being a father. a son. alive. despite having a million people who care about me. who love me. tons of reasons to do everything i can to make the best of having MS. i feel like giving up. i only say that in my head. i'm afraid to admit i'm not strong. that i'm not sure. that i don't feel the same. it doesn't feel real. it can't be real. and no one understands. i want to scream. i want to cry. i want to disappear. but i can't. so i packed it in my duffel bag but it was too much and too heavy so i stuffed it in a suitcase. and this time i can't smile. i can't move, let alone move on. this won't stop. it won't ever leave. i just have to live with it. and it makes me angry. sad. scared. unsure. wronged. . .

now i'm sitting her with a full bag. full of issues. pain. hurt. broken hearts. broken spirit. and it's made me who i am. and i'm tired. i feel like i need something. i don't know exactly what that "something" is. but it's more than what i have/had. that's why i act like i do. that's why love is important. when i say i need to feel loved. i mean i need someone to love me till it doesn't hurt anymore. someone who won't leave. someone who knows i'm not perfect, and doesn't expect me to be. and loves me despite that. i need to believe. i need to know, that's possible. then i can stop waiting in baggage claim...

cuffing 365. . .

i know you've heard of cuffing season. yanno the time when everyone is trying to get someone to keep them warm in the winter.

see to some the other seasons aren't important. in fact, the idea of getting with someone just cause it's getting cold out, a holiday is coming, or it's the season to be attached is kinda..well lame.

it's been said, you must love someone through all the seasons to know it's really love. to know it's really real. to know it'll really last. so cuffing for just one season...is a waste of time. i want to see the sunsets with you. feel the cool breeze. watch the leaves falls. sit in front of the fireplace. you see what the guys who only cuff in the winter don't know is there is so much more than just having someone to keep you warm. so much more to "cuffing".

i wanna remember you in the summer. i call it the season of nakedness. it's when you debut that physique you worked so hard to get. the dieting, exercising, the toning up..i see you girl.  i see what you're working with. and i appreciate it. my eyes thank you. showing off those legs. arms. back. i catch myself stumbling over my own feet admiring the way that sundress sways when you walk by. seeing the freshly painted toes in those flip flops. manicured nails fresh out that nail shop. following the curve of your collarbone to places my eyes probably shouldn't be looking, but eh..i can't blame you for being so beautiful, huh? i want to stop you. smile. ask you for a moment of your time, would that be alright? i hate to be one of those guys who runs lines on you, but.. "my mother told me if i ever saw a woman as beautiful as you, i need to stop her and tell her how pretty i think she is". whether or not you think that was lame, you still give me your name. your number. and agree to give me a chance. as we meet for lunch. getting to know each other. discussing our lives, friends, views. it's like we connect instantly. the sparks are there. hours, days, even weeks later we are on fire. the summer is hot. the long days walking in the park. holding hands. enjoying each other's company. getting to know one another. see this isn't "summer love". we aren't kids. we aren't on spring break. this love affair doesn't have to stop just because the leaves start to fall. or the temperature gets cooler. it just means i simply must fall deeper in love with you. each moment, deeper. each day, deeper. see love doesn't fade with the seasons. attention does. appreciation does. interest does. as the blue skies turn orange, we still can enjoy the sunsets together. the crisp air, the smell of seasons changing. this is the "family" season. the time of the year you invite me home for thanksgiving. you introduce me to your parents. your siblings. your cousins. aunts and uncles. it's when i learn that you sucked your thumb till you were twelve. when your mom tells me all those embarrassing stories you planned for me to NEVER find out about. it's when we spend our first holiday together. making memories that we'll remember years from now. our first. fall to me is an accidental metaphor of love. one of the most romantic seasons. i liken the leaves on the trees to the hairs on your head. i want to watch them change colors, with you. i want to be with you through all of our changes. i can't help but appreciate the beauty of nature. some things are just too beautiful to explain. the leaves, the sunsets, you. all placed here by God. all placed in my life for a reason. i want your touch to feel more familiar than it did a day ago. your kiss to taste sweeter than it did a week ago. your heart to beat faster than it did a month ago. loving someone takes effort. effort takes time. so i want to take my time showing you how much i love you. as the days grow colder, i feel like we've been together forever. yes, this is the actual "cuffing season". it's the time of year all of our single friends, somehow start becoming attached. while they're out trying to find someone to buy them a christmas present, we're picking out our first tree together. picking out gifts for our family and friends together. the keyword is, together. i don't care what i do, as long as it's with you. see winter is cuffing season because it feels natural to be up under someone when it's cold outside. to have someone keeping you warm. to walk close. arm and arm. to cuddle under the covers. for you to warm my feet with your unusually hot space heater-like body. you make my winter feel like summer all over again. different season, yet the desire to do the same things is still there. along with a list of new things. things i've been waiting to do with that special person. while you laugh at my dad's jokes. build snowmen with my son. help my mom figure out how to text on the cellphone i just bought her. little things that seem like nothing, means so much. you mean so much. as the ice starts melting. and the days get a little warmer. i take comfort in you. we've made it through 3 seasons, and this last one seems so full of potential. i look forward to the lazy days by the lake. kissing you in the spring rain. i call this the "nurturing" season. because this is where everything happens. what you plant, takes root and grows. i've nurtured our love for four seasons, and i'mi'm looking forward to what it becomes. and i'm praying that it last always. yea, some guys may cuff for a season. but i cuff 365 days of the year.

tired is as tired does...

I'm so tired yall...like physically tired. Which i do blame on my MS. I honestly have tons to write about and when i get a moment i'm gonna post like crazy. Promise. *pinky swear*..but not really. Lol

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p.d.a.

looking in your eyes. tasting your words. hearing your thoughts ricochet off my heart. we speak with our eyes. can you feel me making love to you with my mind. touching you with my words. every syllable that rolls off my tongue enters your ears like a sweet melody. a song that plays continuous. that's familiar. that makes your heart skip a beat. as your lips position themselves into that smile i love. i can't help staring. glancing at the woman that makes my soul breathe. come alive. and feel complete. the waiter comes by repeatedly asking us if we're ready to order. if we've had time to look at the menu. my answer is the same each time, "i need a moment". because currently i'm stuck in this moment with you. time passes by and we remain unfazed. unmoved by our surroundings. nothing, no one else exist. as you caress my hand from across the table, slowly moving it up my arm, to my shoulder, my neck then to my face. i can't help tasting your fingers as you trace my lips with your fingertips. it seems so right to be being so wrong in public like this. as i drop my hands to your knee, then your thigh.

i almost forget where we are. . . 

as i watch you sip from your glass. all suggestively. licking your lips. tilting your head. running your fingers down the shaft of the glass. very "adult" thoughts dance around my head. as i whisper softly in your ear, i can hear parts of your body whisper back to me. as we finally order & eat. the whole restaurant knows we're in love. i'm in love. in love with you. as the words leave my mouth over and over again. you're smile says, "i know". your lips say, "i love you too". as you stand up, i grab your hand. don't you walk away from me, ever. i don't ever want to be apart. come here. i wanna hold your hand. walk with my fingers intertwined with yours. my arm wrapped around your waist. slowly bumping into you, side by side. i don't care who has to walk around us. who stares or complains. when i'm with you, i want nothing between us. i want you close to me. as i place my hand on the small of your back. i can't wait to get you someplace where i can really let my hands explore. as you stop me before i get too personal. i kiss you in the middle of the sea of people walking around us. letting you know, i don't care who sees. i don't care what they think.  as you grab my hand and push me towards a more secluded area. you pull me close, hands around my neck, and you kiss me like i'm the only person that matters in this world. your lips pressed against mine, your body pressed against me. you feel so good that i think we need to find a better place to do this. see p.d.a. (public display of affection) is just that, "i can't help myself", "i can't wait to be with you" or "i miss you so much" feeling. it's that spark you feel that ignites you. fuels your desire. i want you anywhere, anytime, anyplace. i don't care who knows.

"you know i love it when you're loving me. sometimes it's better when it's publicly. i'm not a shame, i don't care who sees us hugging and kissing..a love exhibition. oh.." - John Legend

manfive friday #64

you ever wonder why your boyfriend can hang out or talk to his female friends, yet when you try to do the same things with him it's...

crickets.

this week's manfive friday #64 topic of the week is:

why his female friends are cooler than you..

maybe cooler isn't the best word. it's not that we don't think you're cool. it's just..

um. 

er. 

uh. 

yea. 

well.  

 

i dunno a good way to say this. cause i sense a "go stand in the corner" moment in my future. but truthfully, there is a difference between a chick that's your girl. and a chick that's your friend. a lot of times, the fact that they are women..is what you have a problem with. because i admit, when it comes to female/male relationships it always hard to understand why someone you're in a relationship needs to have friends of the opposite sex. truth is, you don't NEED to..you just want to continue friendships you had before. so here are 5 reasons why a guy may hold on to his female friends.

#5: we were friends before.

so..all women want me. i'm just a chick magnet. no chick can resist my charm. i can't talk to a woman without her taking off her panties and assaulting me with them. no, this is not one of my fantasies. this is the mindset you women get when it comes to your dude and his female friends. all of a sudden you're pretending your boyfriend who looks like flavor flav is on denzel washington status. you treat him like he's the hottest thing since the sun, when it comes to his female friends...he's "sir-sex-a-lot".

i can understand not being comfortable with him being friends with his exes. but why you hating on all the other chicks he's friends with? women will tell you they have been friends with a guy since the 2nd grade. tell you he's like a brother. they went to school together. he gay. he's not interested in her like that...etc. you want to us to trust, respect, and understand your friendships.

yet when a guy tells you the same about his female friends you give him the "yea right" look. the "i don't trust that hoe" look. the "i bet you're sleeping with her" look. when it comes down to it women just don't trust other women. yet...want you to trust them with their male friends. it's the same damn thing. if i'm friends with someone before you, of course i'm going to want to continue the friendship. just like you'd want to continue yours. as long as everyone is respectful. there shouldn't be a problem.

#4: have things in common.

opposites attract. a pretty smile, sexy body, great personality goes a long way. a chance meeting strikes up a connection. cupid's arrow hits you. love knocks you down. whatever the love connection method, you DON'T always have to have something in common with the person you're dating. but to be friends, you have to. you have to be able to talk about something. because it's not about chemistry. it's not about how good they look naked. it's about being friends. which means there has to be similarities.

maybe we share the same sense of humor. like the same football team (or are rivals). have the same taste in music. maybe we're both hermits. like to play video games. have a addiction to cupcakes. like to crease our pants. like to talk. whatever the connection it's not a "hormone" driven relationship. so we actually think with the head on top.

#3: just one of the guys.

a lot of times, we don't even see them as chicks. i mean we know they aren't dudes. but after a while a chick you're not interested in "that way" is no different than your boys. like a sister.  you don't view them "that" way. you talk a little more out of pocket than you would with a random chick or with your girl. you can discuss things, that would get you a screw face from your chick. it's not about impressing. we are free to be ourselves. not to say we can't be ourselves with our girlfriends. just saying with a girlfriend there are always consequences when it comes to being yourself. it's more personal. anything you do, say, or think can get you in trouble. you can say "ok fatty mcfatty" to a  female friend & she'll probably laugh. you say that shit to your chick and she'll think you're calling her fat.

#2: complain.

men love to complain. and most times we can't complain to our chick without getting into a fight. we can't complain to our dudes..cause let's face it. as men our advice to one another consist of, "fuck it..", "fuck her..", "let's go get drunk..", "next lap dance is on me..", etc..

so our female friends play a part in us making it work with you. believe it or not. they are on your side, most times. which doesn't always make us happy. but at the same time it allows us to vent our frustration. it gives us chance to hear the female perspective on the problem without being able to get pissed off. if we're just being a jerk. or insensitive, they'll tell us. if what you did or asked wasn't unreasonable, they'll tell us. a lot of times women think our female friends are being haters. when more times than not they are trying to find the best possible reason why you're acting that way, and give you the benefit of the doubt. the only time a female friend will become your biggest hater is when she has come to the conclusion that you suck and aren't treating her friend right. 

#1: cause you hate it.

it's not a "i'm doing it to make you mad thing". it's moreso a, "you can't tell me who i can be friends with" thing. truthfully there should be trust. there should be respect. there should be understanding in your relationship. but when there isn't. a lot of times guys will continue their friendships to piss you off. they will continue it, because they think it's stupid you have a problem. or they just don't care.

i've never been that type of guy. i believe in respecting the person you're with and asking your friends to understand. true friends, will understand. a lot of you women get insecure. a lot of you don't like your guy having female friends. so it seems as if you'd understand if a male friend gets with a woman who is uncomfortable with your friendship. i've stepped back in friendships to allow my friends to be with someone. and i've had to ask some of my friends to do the same. the bottom line is..it's hard to make everyone happy. if you got a problem with me having female friends...it's best you get rid of your male friends before you start saying anything to me about it.

#twitterkills thursday 46

been a while since, i did a #twitterkill.

#twitterkills thursday 46 topic of the week: don't follow me: girlfriend/boyfriend edition

this one is dedicated to ppl who don't follow their girlfriend/boyfriends on twitter. i know..."it complicates things.."

only if you're hiding shit.

maybe i'm just a man scorned. but, i was in a relationship with someone who got on a social network, and pretty much let everyone but me know she was seeing someone else. why didn't i know? um..because i trusted her. not saying, you can't trust girlfriends/boyfriends on social networks. what i'm saying is...if you're in a relationship you shouldn't have private shit.

ok, i know i lost some of yall. but i'm saying. i'm not saying you shouldn't have privacy. or that your other half should stalk your shit. what i am saying is, if i wanna see your timeline, facebook, myspace on any given day..there shouldn't be a problem. if there is a problem, then that is a red flag. if i can't follow you, then that is a red flag. if your family follows you. your offline friends follow you. you co-workers follow you. but there is a problem if i follow you, then that is a red flag.

point of this rant?..men know what i'm talking about. a woman will be all in our stuff. on our twitter. on our facebook. she knows your top 20 myspace friends. she's even been to their pages. she'll be in your email. she'll go through your phone. she checks your bookmarks on your browser. she even unravels your receipts and looks at what you ordered from mcdonalds (her: "why you order 2 big macs?"..you: "um..i was hungry?"). women check any interaction you have with other people. men, don't really do this...yet, women feel like their privacy is above question. if i ask my chick a question about any of her friends, her twitter/facebook, etc....i get a screw face.

hmmm...*pulling out my snowgun*....*pointing it at you* ....*freeze*

 as a boy. one of my early memories was asking my uncle what the 
A Φ A on his forearm stood for. 

he told me, he was a member of the oldest. and the coldest. the first african american fraternity incorporated. i didn't know then, but 15 years later i'd be able to say the same.

 
 

my dad is a Sigma.

my mom an AKA

many thought i'd pledge the blue

and this is what i say..

i love my A phi

i love my A phi

i love my A phi

     A Φ A

104 years...and still the oldest. and the coldest.

manfive friday #63

here at manfive..i let you ladies in on some of our (men) secrets & little known facts. most of this shit is common sense, because again we are not hard to understand. but since you ladies are, and you OVER THINK, everything..you don't get us or where we're coming from.

men are simple & easy to please. there are a few things we require and everything else is just extra or annoying. either or..or both. this week, i'm gonna touch on something we do..that we act like we don't. that could be anything, right?

this week's manfive #63 friday(saturday) topic is :

5 ways men have to play hide & seek with you...

i'm not talking about the game, where you count to 10, 20, 100 and go find someone. i'm also not making a weird subliminal sexual reference. i'm referring to how we hide our information seeking mannerisms from you. men and women are NOT the same. we don't do easy, simple shit like..."just ask you". we are more subtle and less obvious with our attempts of espionage.

#5: your secret crushes...

we all know men are only allowed to like their women. only allowed to look at, appreciate, or lust after their woman. while women are allowed to crush over anyone. your girl can say,

"omg..i love denzel". 

"wow, halle berry is so gorgeous". 

"my UPS boyfriend just left the office..". 

that's cool, right? those are those, "universal crushes" but what about the dudes that she don't want to tell you she's crushing on. them regular and lame dudes? those secret crushes where she hiding his 8X10 at her office behind your picture and she changes it when you drop by. this dude is her screen saver on her desktop. she's going apeshit over leaked mediatakeout dick pics. the dude that personifies her "type" or even *gasp* her ex...and she knows if you find out you'll call her on that shit.

how do we uncover your disgusting dirty secret crush...

you: eww..that is so nasty

him: what?

you: this commercial it's showing a pack of cows grazing

him: cows? 

you: yes, i hate cows. ever since i was 4 and went to the petting zoo and the cow shitted on my shoes. i was scarred for life

him: *laughter* a cow shitted on your foot?

you: yes, big shit, mounds of shit. i was devastated

him: *laughter* that's crazy, what you watching anyway?

you: tv

him: i know you're watching tv...what show?

you: house of payne

him: *laughter* is that why you didn't want to tell me?

you: yes..*laughter*

him: i don't blame you that's an awful show

you: have you ever watched it?

him: no. . .

you: so how you know it's awful

him: it's by tyler perry right?

you: yes

him: that's how i know it's awful

you: well i like it...

*cue the mind trap*

him: i know, but the show isn't even about tyler perry

you: leave me alone, i like the show

him: you just like lance gross

you: *pause* no...

him: yes you do..

you: i mean he's alright

him: alright? i'm saying it's cool..he gay tho

you: *thought in your head* = "hater"

see we aren't gonna come out and ask you directly. but we can tell by the stupid shit you watch on tv, that it ain't about the tv show. just like we don't read playboy for the articles. y'all asses don't watch dumb tv for the dumb antics. y'all love shit like girlfriends, the game, bad girls club. that's the kinda shit that stimulates & entertains y'all. the silly coon shit always has a reason behind it. kinda like when your girlfriend don't like rap but got a favorite rapper. or don't like sports, but knows a random football players name. this is how we sniff that shit out. it's like that state farm commercial where the dude & chick are arguing. and he calls for the state farm agent. and his girlfriend sees the chick appear and says, "i want a new boyfriend." and she's all hyped that eggs (from true blood) appears. then he hits her with, "i want a new girlfriend". and then all of a sudden she's pissed off, "oh so this is what you like?"...it's not a jealousy issue. it's the fact that you're attracted to someone else..and you're acting like it's giving you life. kinda like when you found out your boyfriend saw the keri hilson video and he don't watch videos or listen to her music, yea..


#4: loyalty...

yes, we seek out your loyalty. if i see you smiling too much at my dude. or acting all friendly flirty with one of your friends. i know you'se a hoe...lol i'm just playing (or am i?).

that's not where i'm going with this loyalty thing. it's a few people men trust in their life. God. their mom. their friends. and their woman. the first three are life long trust. you women have to earn our trust. we have to know you want to be with us. you're not going no where. and that we can trust you. it's very important. and again since we don't just come out and ask you. we test you in different ways. now..i'm not talking about these dudes saying, "if you love me..you'll tell them it's your heroin". we test your loyalty through actions. one difference between men & women..y'all tell us you want us to be there. if we want you to be there for us...we come to you, but don't really come to you to see what you'll do. this is crucial because the way you play this will determine how and when he comes to you after that. i'd love to lie and say you get a lot of chances. but yanno men don't allow you to fuck up often. that's a "female towards a male". not a "male towards a female" thing. *amber rose at the std clinic sad face*...

#3: interest...

like loyalty...you being interested in me is a big thing. women have different indications when figuring out a guy likes them. one..he comes to you. two..he reacts to you. three..he tries to impress you. women are much more colder with their interest. you could think you've got a woman's interest. wine & dine her. talk to her all night. put all your charm on the table. and at the end of the night she still does not give you her number. men, on the other hand. wont waste their time if they aren't interested. and i know y'all are saying.."what about the dudes who get our number and don't call?". that dude just has too many options. he's probably gotten a lot of numbers and you weren't the most memorable of the night. sorry...sometimes it "beez" like that. well that and he's a jerk...so why you even worrying about it?

anyway. dudes want to know you're interested. that you want conversation. you want to be around him. you like things he does. interest goes a long way. so he'll play you wide. try to see if you hit him up if he doesn't hit you up. anticipate you to act a certain way when he does things for you. no, we don't expect all women to burst into tears and get naked when we do "nice things". we just expect you to do something relatively female. if you act like a dude about it, we tend to think you didn't like it. or us for that matter.

#2: your freak-a-tude. . .

getting to know a chick is shaky ground. you can't just say anything to someone when you don't know their preferences. like you could be with the freak nastiest chick. but if you assume she is...and she's not. x all your o's  and go sit down. the second you say some off the wall shit to a chick she will forever think of you as merv the perv. don't get me wrong..i think you should be able to talk openly about all the things you like and want to do. but until you know who you're dealing with...you have to tread light. so..

how do dudes test your freak-a-tude. first off, he'll casually mention shit to see if you'll bite. and most of y'all don't. y'all be on that "he don't need to know i'm a freak" shit. y'all give us a little taste, but not enough to really feel you out. then when y'all get ready y'all start playing back, trying to impress us. that's when we really have to be careful. worse thing about women is..one false word...fantasy...thought, will get you axed. if you like to dress up like pinocchio and shout.."i wish i was a real boy" while you're getting it from behind. maybe you need to wait till she confesses something equally embarrassing to you. if y'all are having phone sex and she is referring to private areas with little kid terminology "my special place", "my no-no", "your thingy", etc..follow suit. hit her with a "oh yeah girl...take my thingy..". trust me. if she can't use the nasty words, she is not gonna be comfortable hearing them.

when it comes to trying new things. let her introduce the freaky shit first. find out what she likes/doesn't like through what she does/doesn't do. do NOT find out through trial and error. don't try to see if she's cool with something she's NEVER said she liked without feeling that situation out. there is one thing about turning a girl out. there is another thing to gross her out. i'd complain that it was unfair..but all you gotta do to get axed by me is start counting on your other hand if i ask you how many dudes you been with...shit after that 1st finger i'm already starting my *seesmic raccoon side-eye* we live in a unfair world. i'm saying..lol

#1: your limit..

y'all know we will drag you to the edge...push you off and just let you dangle for a while hoping we can pull you back. that's just how we do. we're gonna get on your nerves to the point where you hate us...but you love us too much to hate us that much. every man has to find his woman's limit. we have to find that hot button. trust..we'll find it. and we'll push it. whatever it is. whatever makes you the maddest, we'll perfect doing it at some point or time. and we'll push it..for "shits & chuckles" (men don't giggle..we chuckle).

i know you're thinking, "why on earth would we want to do that..?". to balance to playing field. women hold the monopoly of "hot button" pushing.  y'all don't have to find out buttons. y'all are built with automatic hot button pushing technology. we don't even have to know you. so us finding your buttons is God's gift of us and our way of saying.."take that, take that, take that..".