Thursday, January 6, 2011
in-secured baggage. . .
can i blame one person for that?...no. is it solely my fault, something just in my head, or me being dramatic?...no. truth is. i have "in-secured" baggage. i don't know when i start packing this bag. i just know it started off as a nap sack.turned into a book bag. became a duffel bag. and has graduated to a full piece of luggage w/ wheels. i don't know if it was from all the teasing growing up. i'd like to think i outgrew that. that i'm not just saying, "i'm over that". i mean i do still remember the things people used to say. i remember their names. their faces. sometimes even what they were wearing. but most of all i remember how it made me just want to disappear. so i did (at least, the person i was disappeared). and packed it in my nap sack. i put my outside smile on and moved on.
and things were ok, until i got my heart broken for the first time. and i swore off love. then denied myself love for years. i wasted a few girls time. i made a few of them fall in love with me. i admit it was wrong. but i needed love. i needed that. i didn't lie about my feelings. i just had no feelings. and when they found that out, they left. left me, all alone. and i hate to be alone. i'm scared to be alone. i don't want to be alone. i can't be alone. but i accepted that was my life. that's what God wanted. i mean isn't it? cause i'm a good person. i have good intentions. and obviously if i'm alone, it's cause God wants me to be, right? yea. i struggled, battled, prayed, wished, asked. . . then i one day i got an answer. one day the wait was over. i saw the person i wanted to be. and i found someone who enabled me to be that person. and it was great. till i found out she wasn't perfect. that love is imperfect. that control is variable. that bad things will continue to happen to good people. and i remember again...wanting to disappear. praying to disappear. but i couldn't. so i packed it in my book bag. i put my outside smile on and moved on.
things weren't ok immediately like the last time.that's when i found out the headaches i was having, weren't just headaches. i found out that i wasn't invincible. that something could be worse than losing love. that something could stop me from being the kind of father i want to be for my son. something could stop me from being a father. a son. alive. despite having a million people who care about me. who love me. tons of reasons to do everything i can to make the best of having MS. i feel like giving up. i only say that in my head. i'm afraid to admit i'm not strong. that i'm not sure. that i don't feel the same. it doesn't feel real. it can't be real. and no one understands. i want to scream. i want to cry. i want to disappear. but i can't. so i packed it in my duffel bag but it was too much and too heavy so i stuffed it in a suitcase. and this time i can't smile. i can't move, let alone move on. this won't stop. it won't ever leave. i just have to live with it. and it makes me angry. sad. scared. unsure. wronged. . .
now i'm sitting her with a full bag. full of issues. pain. hurt. broken hearts. broken spirit. and it's made me who i am. and i'm tired. i feel like i need something. i don't know exactly what that "something" is. but it's more than what i have/had. that's why i act like i do. that's why love is important. when i say i need to feel loved. i mean i need someone to love me till it doesn't hurt anymore. someone who won't leave. someone who knows i'm not perfect, and doesn't expect me to be. and loves me despite that. i need to believe. i need to know, that's possible. then i can stop waiting in baggage claim...