Thursday, January 6, 2011

in-secured baggage. . .

i admit to not being perfect. i don't think i'm the "shit". i don't think any one's world stops because of me. i admit to not being every women's dream man. i admit to not always having the right words to say. i admit to not being the most patient. the most calm, cool, or collective guy. i admit to not being the most assertive, aggressive, or confident guy. i probably won't admit i'm wrong. nor do i volunteer to apologize all of the time. sometimes i raise my voice. other times i shut down completely. i'm argumentative.  i'm stubborn. i'm stuck in my own ways. i'm probably shorter than you. i do care what people think of me. i don't get jealous, i get angry. i do trust you, but i don't trust him, her, or them. i completely over my ex, but it does still hurt to see her. talk to her. remember anything. i do have scars. emotional scars. tons of them.

can i blame one person for that?...no. is it solely my fault, something just in my head, or me being dramatic?...no. truth is. i have "in-secured" baggage. i don't know when i start packing this bag. i just know it started off as a nap sack.turned into a book bag. became a duffel bag. and has graduated to a full piece of luggage w/ wheels. i don't know if it was from all the teasing growing up. i'd like to think i outgrew that. that i'm not just saying, "i'm over that". i mean i do still remember the things people used to say. i remember their names. their faces. sometimes even what they were wearing. but most of all i remember how it made me just want to disappear. so i did (at least, the person i was disappeared). and packed it in my nap sack. i put my outside smile on and moved on.

and things were ok, until i got my heart broken for the first time. and i swore off love. then denied myself love for years. i wasted a few girls time. i made a few of them fall in love with me. i admit it was wrong. but i needed love. i needed that. i didn't lie about my feelings. i just had no feelings. and when they found that out, they left. left me, all alone. and i hate to be alone. i'm scared to be alone. i don't want to be alone. i can't be alone. but i accepted that was my life. that's what God wanted. i mean isn't it? cause i'm a good person. i have good intentions. and obviously if i'm alone, it's cause God wants me to be, right? yea. i struggled, battled, prayed, wished, asked. . . then i one day i got an answer. one day the wait was over. i saw the person i wanted to be. and i found someone who enabled me to be that person. and it was great. till i found out she wasn't perfect. that love is imperfect. that control is variable. that bad things will continue to happen to good people. and i remember again...wanting to disappear. praying to disappear. but i couldn't. so i packed it in my book bag. i put my outside smile on and moved on.

things weren't ok immediately like the last time.that's when i found out the headaches i was having, weren't just headaches. i found out that i wasn't invincible. that something could be worse than losing love. that something could stop me from being the kind of father i want to be for my son. something could stop me from being a father. a son. alive. despite having a million people who care about me. who love me. tons of reasons to do everything i can to make the best of having MS. i feel like giving up. i only say that in my head. i'm afraid to admit i'm not strong. that i'm not sure. that i don't feel the same. it doesn't feel real. it can't be real. and no one understands. i want to scream. i want to cry. i want to disappear. but i can't. so i packed it in my duffel bag but it was too much and too heavy so i stuffed it in a suitcase. and this time i can't smile. i can't move, let alone move on. this won't stop. it won't ever leave. i just have to live with it. and it makes me angry. sad. scared. unsure. wronged. . .

now i'm sitting her with a full bag. full of issues. pain. hurt. broken hearts. broken spirit. and it's made me who i am. and i'm tired. i feel like i need something. i don't know exactly what that "something" is. but it's more than what i have/had. that's why i act like i do. that's why love is important. when i say i need to feel loved. i mean i need someone to love me till it doesn't hurt anymore. someone who won't leave. someone who knows i'm not perfect, and doesn't expect me to be. and loves me despite that. i need to believe. i need to know, that's possible. then i can stop waiting in baggage claim...

10 comments:

Gia said...

the words right out of my mouth ... i'm literally tearing right now lol :/

Anonymous said...

Man you got my grwon man ass crying at my desk. I feel your pain man cant say i have been through what you are going through but man i hope everything you need comes to you to elp you get through this tiome in your life and come out the other end stronger.

You and your struggle are in my thought brutha.

sunshinestar110 said...

ATL ATL ATL! I can't even crack a joke or two with this one...this one really touched my heart...It has me at my desk wiping tears as we speak and it left me speechless....

Eyes On The Prize (eyesOTP) said...

Big ol' lump in my throat...

Sounds like a lot of things that I feel right now. Exactly how I feel right now.

Deep.

DaBossBitch said...

One day someone will open that luggage with you. And help you unpack it and maybe put it in a tote or a back closet.it won't go away but you won't have to carry it around anymore. All of it is important. It made you the man that can grab peoples hearts with your writing and your music.

luvlymskrissy said...

*sigh* we all have scars and those don't go away. I tossed my baggage aside tho. It got way too heavy and they started to charge for carrying it anyway.

lilioohpyt said...

Yep just like Gia I was holding on to every word because they were coming right out of my mouth....damn!

lovely said...

hey you! it's been so long, happy new year! (it's ice!)

i love the poignancy of your writing. i'm not sure if i relate to you because we are similar in some way, or if it's just that you're skilled in articulating feelings that are universal...
but either way, i feel you. perhaps it's that season...
even though a lot of people feel this way, i think few people are consciously aware of it & willing to verbalize these feelings to the people in our lives. but those of us who do, have an advantage b/c we attract people to our lives who give & receive this type of love...

we all have baggage. true enough, you can get to a place of more trust where past experiences & present frustrations can affect you less but i think anyone who is unwilling to compromise or work with someone's "baggage" is lying to him/herself because we ALL act out based on our "baggage", whether we act out of fear of being hurt again, or fear of never moving on from that hurt.

tha unpretentious narcissist© said...

@gia: thanks. and i'm sorry i had you tearing up.

@anonymous: thanks man. i really appreciate it, especially coming from another guy. thanks for your encouragement.

@sunshinestar110: yanno you can always crack jokes DC. i'm sorry to have you tearing up.

@eyesOTP: if you're feeling this way, then let me say..it'll get better. and thanks.

@dabossbitch: aw..thanks. that was really nice. and i hope you're write. thanks.

@luvlymskrissy: *sigh* i know buddy. glad you tossed yours. cause yanno you gotta run faster than those dudes who would be jumping out your bags.

@lilioohpyt: thanks for reading. i'm glad you could see where i was coming from.

@lovely: what's up ice?..thanks. it's a very nice compliment. and i agree with what you said too. everyone acts out because of baggage. it's only the people who can cope with it or drop it off that can move on.

stephanie said...

this is seriously one of the closest things to my own experience i ever had anyone other than myself articulate. beautiful. i'm touched really.