Friday, December 17, 2010

manfive friday #64

you ever wonder why your boyfriend can hang out or talk to his female friends, yet when you try to do the same things with him it's...


this week's manfive friday #64 topic of the week is:
why his female friends are cooler than you..

maybe cooler isn't the best word. it's not that we don't think you're cool. it's just..
i dunno a good way to say this. cause i sense a "go stand in the corner" moment in my future. but truthfully, there is a difference between a chick that's your girl. and a chick that's your friend. a lot of times, the fact that they are what you have a problem with. because i admit, when it comes to female/male relationships it always hard to understand why someone you're in a relationship needs to have friends of the opposite sex. truth is, you don't NEED just want to continue friendships you had before. so here are 5 reasons why a guy may hold on to his female friends.

#5: we were friends before.

so..all women want me. i'm just a chick magnet. no chick can resist my charm. i can't talk to a woman without her taking off her panties and assaulting me with them. no, this is not one of my fantasies. this is the mindset you women get when it comes to your dude and his female friends. all of a sudden you're pretending your boyfriend who looks like flavor flav is on denzel washington status. you treat him like he's the hottest thing since the sun, when it comes to his female friends...he's "sir-sex-a-lot".

i can understand not being comfortable with him being friends with his exes. but why you hating on all the other chicks he's friends with? women will tell you they have been friends with a guy since the 2nd grade. tell you he's like a brother. they went to school together. he gay. he's not interested in her like that...etc. you want to us to trust, respect, and understand your friendships.

yet when a guy tells you the same about his female friends you give him the "yea right" look. the "i don't trust that hoe" look. the "i bet you're sleeping with her" look. when it comes down to it women just don't trust other women. yet...want you to trust them with their male friends. it's the same damn thing. if i'm friends with someone before you, of course i'm going to want to continue the friendship. just like you'd want to continue yours. as long as everyone is respectful. there shouldn't be a problem.

#4: have things in common.

opposites attract. a pretty smile, sexy body, great personality goes a long way. a chance meeting strikes up a connection. cupid's arrow hits you. love knocks you down. whatever the love connection method, you DON'T always have to have something in common with the person you're dating. but to be friends, you have to. you have to be able to talk about something. because it's not about chemistry. it's not about how good they look naked. it's about being friends. which means there has to be similarities.

maybe we share the same sense of humor. like the same football team (or are rivals). have the same taste in music. maybe we're both hermits. like to play video games. have a addiction to cupcakes. like to crease our pants. like to talk. whatever the connection it's not a "hormone" driven relationship. so we actually think with the head on top.

#3: just one of the guys.

a lot of times, we don't even see them as chicks. i mean we know they aren't dudes. but after a while a chick you're not interested in "that way" is no different than your boys. like a sister.  you don't view them "that" way. you talk a little more out of pocket than you would with a random chick or with your girl. you can discuss things, that would get you a screw face from your chick. it's not about impressing. we are free to be ourselves. not to say we can't be ourselves with our girlfriends. just saying with a girlfriend there are always consequences when it comes to being yourself. it's more personal. anything you do, say, or think can get you in trouble. you can say "ok fatty mcfatty" to a  female friend & she'll probably laugh. you say that shit to your chick and she'll think you're calling her fat.

#2: complain.

men love to complain. and most times we can't complain to our chick without getting into a fight. we can't complain to our dudes..cause let's face it. as men our advice to one another consist of, "fuck it..", "fuck her..", "let's go get drunk..", "next lap dance is on me..", etc..

so our female friends play a part in us making it work with you. believe it or not. they are on your side, most times. which doesn't always make us happy. but at the same time it allows us to vent our frustration. it gives us chance to hear the female perspective on the problem without being able to get pissed off. if we're just being a jerk. or insensitive, they'll tell us. if what you did or asked wasn't unreasonable, they'll tell us. a lot of times women think our female friends are being haters. when more times than not they are trying to find the best possible reason why you're acting that way, and give you the benefit of the doubt. the only time a female friend will become your biggest hater is when she has come to the conclusion that you suck and aren't treating her friend right. 

#1: cause you hate it.

it's not a "i'm doing it to make you mad thing". it's moreso a, "you can't tell me who i can be friends with" thing. truthfully there should be trust. there should be respect. there should be understanding in your relationship. but when there isn't. a lot of times guys will continue their friendships to piss you off. they will continue it, because they think it's stupid you have a problem. or they just don't care.

i've never been that type of guy. i believe in respecting the person you're with and asking your friends to understand. true friends, will understand. a lot of you women get insecure. a lot of you don't like your guy having female friends. so it seems as if you'd understand if a male friend gets with a woman who is uncomfortable with your friendship. i've stepped back in friendships to allow my friends to be with someone. and i've had to ask some of my friends to do the same. the bottom line's hard to make everyone happy. if you got a problem with me having female's best you get rid of your male friends before you start saying anything to me about it.


Eyes On The Prize (eyesOTP) said...

Hmph well, well, well.

One thing I won't do is give up any of my friends over a lover or boyfriend. No way. Go ahead and ask whatever you want about them, and you will find that we are cool and there's nothing else behind it. I have a few ex-boyfriends who are my friends now, and they are in relationships. I respect them and they respect me. But I just think it's insecure and controlling to tell a man that I have to be the only woman that you know. I dunno...seems a little bit crazy to me to ask me to cut off a friend. Why would you request that of someone? If the person is uncomfortable and you have done everything that you could and nothing is working, then you have to manage it. But don't cut anybody off bc when things get rocky you and you and you're man ain't speaking then whatcha gonna do? Call Steve Harvey for help?

Monique said...

I can be ok with him having female friends as long as he's ok with me having male friends, especially those I knew before him. I make it a point to introduce them at a neutral setting (a friend's party) so that there are no surprises. Now, I don't hang with my male friends all the time because let's face it, no man is going to be ok with his girl hanging at my dude's house at all hours of the night, friend or not.

I think it comes down to trust. If you put that fear of something going on between the two of them out there, who's to say that it may not be acted upon just because you keep throwing it out?

Besides, I think it's good for men to have the female perspective. Trust and believe she's on our side unless she has other motives.

Anonymous said...

Funny thing I just wrote a post on how women and men can be friends but you definitely flipped it into why you maybe not as cool as his female

Freckles said...

BRRRAAAAAAAVO! BRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVO! I just wrote about having an issue with my guy friend's wifey/girlfriend/"fiance"/babymama girl playing on my phone behind her dude that I have known since 1995. We have always only been friends andher insecurity is making me want to discontinue my friendship with him all together. I have another guy friend who is married that I have also known since high school that is married that I often write about. His wife does not want us to be friends but she deals. I help and listen to him. He often needs to vent and wants to understand another perspective or often where she is coming from in an easier way. He needs to be able to say things in a not so politically correct manner in order to get his point across often. I sometimes encourage him using better words and/or better way of saying it so it doesnt come off so fucked to her. We only chat ever so often. I do not generally talk to him after a certain time and do my best to be as respectful as possible.

All this to say that I am the dude chick that you speak of. I am the soundboard. I am the one that allows him to get some shit off his chest in the way that he wants/needs to say. I am a football (know the game), beer/chicken wings, manish cuss alot yet very feminine guys girl. Yes, I am very much a woman but I am not that chick. I know where I stand and how to play my role. They know that I am female and often times I feel like I kind of need to remind them but let alot of shit slide. I understand a girlfriend/wife's point of view but many need to check themselves and get in tune with their own securities to have better relationships. Like someone out there says, when you go searching for something you generally find it and it is not always what you think it really is.

Thanks for this post. I always love your point of view.

Anonymous said...

so for this...I think you underlined all the unwritten rules of weak relationships with insecure people. Although it makes me feel better about always being the homegirl, I still feel like it contradicts how I, personally, view a relationship. I think a lot of the points were true yet artifical. For instance, I want to be a guys friend first, esp. now that I'm older. In highschool, it was about who was attractive, who could take me out, and chemistry but now it's more about comfort and finding a relationship that could make friendship and love coexist. I do see a different side, but I think your side is unfortunate for girls like me. The girls who don't necessarily NOT like having a lot female friends, but don't. The ones who enjoy a girls night out every now and then, but loves sports and thinks games are more important. The ones who secretly fall in love with a "guy best friend" but can't act on that love because he is with someone who doesn't deserve him (yes very personal lol)

I like your manfive post a lot.

Anonymous said...

...wait I wasn't finished...we can't act on that love so we are forced to be on that girls side. That is not always the case and it really does hurt to loose a great friend because of his relationship.