Saturday, December 4, 2010

manfive friday #63

here at manfive..i let you ladies in on some of our (men) secrets & little known facts. most of this shit is common sense, because again we are not hard to understand. but since you ladies are, and you OVER THINK, don't get us or where we're coming from.

men are simple & easy to please. there are a few things we require and everything else is just extra or annoying. either or..or both. this week, i'm gonna touch on something we do..that we act like we don't. that could be anything, right?

this week's manfive #63 friday(saturday) topic is :

5 ways men have to play hide & seek with you...

i'm not talking about the game, where you count to 10, 20, 100 and go find someone. i'm also not making a weird subliminal sexual reference. i'm referring to how we hide our information seeking mannerisms from you. men and women are NOT the same. we don't do easy, simple shit like..."just ask you". we are more subtle and less obvious with our attempts of espionage.

#5: your secret crushes...

we all know men are only allowed to like their women. only allowed to look at, appreciate, or lust after their woman. while women are allowed to crush over anyone. your girl can say,

"omg..i love denzel". 

"wow, halle berry is so gorgeous". 

"my UPS boyfriend just left the office..". 

that's cool, right? those are those, "universal crushes" but what about the dudes that she don't want to tell you she's crushing on. them regular and lame dudes? those secret crushes where she hiding his 8X10 at her office behind your picture and she changes it when you drop by. this dude is her screen saver on her desktop. she's going apeshit over leaked mediatakeout dick pics. the dude that personifies her "type" or even *gasp* her ex...and she knows if you find out you'll call her on that shit.

how do we uncover your disgusting dirty secret crush...

you: eww..that is so nasty
him: what?
you: this commercial it's showing a pack of cows grazing
him: cows? 
you: yes, i hate cows. ever since i was 4 and went to the petting zoo and the cow shitted on my shoes. i was scarred for life
him: *laughter* a cow shitted on your foot?
you: yes, big shit, mounds of shit. i was devastated
him: *laughter* that's crazy, what you watching anyway?
you: tv
him: i know you're watching tv...what show?
you: house of payne
him: *laughter* is that why you didn't want to tell me?
you: yes..*laughter*
him: i don't blame you that's an awful show
you: have you ever watched it?
him: no. . .
you: so how you know it's awful
him: it's by tyler perry right?
you: yes
him: that's how i know it's awful
you: well i like it...

*cue the mind trap*

him: i know, but the show isn't even about tyler perry
you: leave me alone, i like the show
him: you just like lance gross
you: *pause* no...
him: yes you do..
you: i mean he's alright
him: alright? i'm saying it's cool..he gay tho
you: *thought in your head* = "hater"

see we aren't gonna come out and ask you directly. but we can tell by the stupid shit you watch on tv, that it ain't about the tv show. just like we don't read playboy for the articles. y'all asses don't watch dumb tv for the dumb antics. y'all love shit like girlfriends, the game, bad girls club. that's the kinda shit that stimulates & entertains y'all. the silly coon shit always has a reason behind it. kinda like when your girlfriend don't like rap but got a favorite rapper. or don't like sports, but knows a random football players name. this is how we sniff that shit out. it's like that state farm commercial where the dude & chick are arguing. and he calls for the state farm agent. and his girlfriend sees the chick appear and says, "i want a new boyfriend." and she's all hyped that eggs (from true blood) appears. then he hits her with, "i want a new girlfriend". and then all of a sudden she's pissed off, "oh so this is what you like?"'s not a jealousy issue. it's the fact that you're attracted to someone else..and you're acting like it's giving you life. kinda like when you found out your boyfriend saw the keri hilson video and he don't watch videos or listen to her music, yea..

#4: loyalty...

yes, we seek out your loyalty. if i see you smiling too much at my dude. or acting all friendly flirty with one of your friends. i know you'se a i'm just playing (or am i?).

that's not where i'm going with this loyalty thing. it's a few people men trust in their life. God. their mom. their friends. and their woman. the first three are life long trust. you women have to earn our trust. we have to know you want to be with us. you're not going no where. and that we can trust you. it's very important. and again since we don't just come out and ask you. we test you in different ways. now..i'm not talking about these dudes saying, "if you love'll tell them it's your heroin". we test your loyalty through actions. one difference between men & women..y'all tell us you want us to be there. if we want you to be there for us...we come to you, but don't really come to you to see what you'll do. this is crucial because the way you play this will determine how and when he comes to you after that. i'd love to lie and say you get a lot of chances. but yanno men don't allow you to fuck up often. that's a "female towards a male". not a "male towards a female" thing. *amber rose at the std clinic sad face*...

#3: interest...

like being interested in me is a big thing. women have different indications when figuring out a guy likes them. one..he comes to you. two..he reacts to you. three..he tries to impress you. women are much more colder with their interest. you could think you've got a woman's interest. wine & dine her. talk to her all night. put all your charm on the table. and at the end of the night she still does not give you her number. men, on the other hand. wont waste their time if they aren't interested. and i know y'all are saying.."what about the dudes who get our number and don't call?". that dude just has too many options. he's probably gotten a lot of numbers and you weren't the most memorable of the night. sorry...sometimes it "beez" like that. well that and he's a why you even worrying about it?

anyway. dudes want to know you're interested. that you want conversation. you want to be around him. you like things he does. interest goes a long way. so he'll play you wide. try to see if you hit him up if he doesn't hit you up. anticipate you to act a certain way when he does things for you. no, we don't expect all women to burst into tears and get naked when we do "nice things". we just expect you to do something relatively female. if you act like a dude about it, we tend to think you didn't like it. or us for that matter.

#2: your freak-a-tude. . .

getting to know a chick is shaky ground. you can't just say anything to someone when you don't know their preferences. like you could be with the freak nastiest chick. but if you assume she is...and she's not. x all your o's  and go sit down. the second you say some off the wall shit to a chick she will forever think of you as merv the perv. don't get me wrong..i think you should be able to talk openly about all the things you like and want to do. but until you know who you're dealing have to tread light. so..

how do dudes test your freak-a-tude. first off, he'll casually mention shit to see if you'll bite. and most of y'all don't. y'all be on that "he don't need to know i'm a freak" shit. y'all give us a little taste, but not enough to really feel you out. then when y'all get ready y'all start playing back, trying to impress us. that's when we really have to be careful. worse thing about women false word...fantasy...thought, will get you axed. if you like to dress up like pinocchio and shout.."i wish i was a real boy" while you're getting it from behind. maybe you need to wait till she confesses something equally embarrassing to you. if y'all are having phone sex and she is referring to private areas with little kid terminology "my special place", "my no-no", "your thingy", etc..follow suit. hit her with a "oh yeah girl...take my thingy..". trust me. if she can't use the nasty words, she is not gonna be comfortable hearing them.

when it comes to trying new things. let her introduce the freaky shit first. find out what she likes/doesn't like through what she does/doesn't do. do NOT find out through trial and error. don't try to see if she's cool with something she's NEVER said she liked without feeling that situation out. there is one thing about turning a girl out. there is another thing to gross her out. i'd complain that it was unfair..but all you gotta do to get axed by me is start counting on your other hand if i ask you how many dudes you been with...shit after that 1st finger i'm already starting my *seesmic raccoon side-eye* we live in a unfair world. i'm

#1: your limit..

y'all know we will drag you to the edge...push you off and just let you dangle for a while hoping we can pull you back. that's just how we do. we're gonna get on your nerves to the point where you hate us...but you love us too much to hate us that much. every man has to find his woman's limit. we have to find that hot button. trust..we'll find it. and we'll push it. whatever it is. whatever makes you the maddest, we'll perfect doing it at some point or time. and we'll push it..for "shits & chuckles" (men don't giggle..we chuckle).

i know you're thinking, "why on earth would we want to do that..?". to balance to playing field. women hold the monopoly of "hot button" pushing.  y'all don't have to find out buttons. y'all are built with automatic hot button pushing technology. we don't even have to know you. so us finding your buttons is God's gift of us and our way of saying.."take that, take that, take that..".


Monique said...

Interesting...I'll have to keep this mind for the future.

Ellen said...

This chick only came here because someone mentioned a burning hatred of cows. You just never know what a gal will find attractive.

Krissy said...

Buddy ol pal o mine, this is a good one. I'm glad I'm done being tested. I don't like the game of it all. But, it must be done.