Friday, April 22, 2011

manfive friday #77

reality is, most relationships won't be a fairytale. knights in shining armour, magical kissing princes, captain save -a-hoe..

these guys exist in movies. in books. in little girls imaginations. but are very hard to find in the real world.

that being said, what do you do when the sparkle goes away. when the fights outnumber the laughs. your differences outnumber your similarities. the "pick up on the first ring", turns into "straight to voicemail". what happens when you start to doubt your feelings. start to doubt your commitment. start to doubt it is "meant to be..."

manfive friday# 77 topic of the week: when to stay/when to go..

there is no clear cut answer. no relationship is the same. and truth be told, no one but you can decide what you can/will/should deal with it. so what do you do...when you're confused. blinded by love. frustrated by issues. ready to throw in the towel...5 tips to help you get through it..

#5: weigh the pros & cons..

before you make any snap decisions...think - it - out. a lot of times people either decide to end things based off of how they feel in the moment. other times they decide to let shit go because of time invested in the relationship. you really shouldn't do either. you have to weigh the situation. weigh your feelings. weigh the good vs. the bad.

if you're with someone that beats you. yea, it's great he apologizes and buys you nice things. but on a scale...the beating you should weigh in more.

if you're with someone who doesn't have much, can't afford to take care of you the way you want. but treats you great. is trying to do better. and makes up for his financial shortcomings in the attention & affection he gives you. then maybe you can cut him a break.

this isn't to say you just deal with shit you don't like. all i'm saying is it's not always black & white. and things that someone else might thing is a deal breaker, might not be a deal breaker for you. so make list. even if you have to write it down...really think about the reasons why you love/like that person.

#4: set a limit

do not confuse this with..."he can beat me...he just can't punch me in my face". that's not a limit that's stupidity. but with things that bother you. things that frustrate and make you less interested in being with him. decide what you can and can not take. and when the threshold has been out. what you have to remember is...he has to respect you. and that's what the limit is for. it's a limit of respect.

the second he doesn't respect you or the things that bother you don't matter to him realize you don't have to deal with that shit. stop letting a guy not worth your time, waste your time.

#3: don't lie to break up...

you have to be realistic. if you're tired of being with him because your feelings are disappearing. if he got fat, and you're no longer interested. if he lost his job and you're not with staying in or paying for dinner. then be for real about that. don't act as if it's because he "doesn't love you right". stop trying to "cry love" while breaking up.  truth be told sometimes you get over the "lust" you get past the "newness" and you get tired of the "crush". and what's left? a person who may actually have feelings for you. so if the feeling is not out. be gone. STOP dragging out a relationship. stop creating fights, problems, & issues that really don't exist.

#2: talk it out

surprisingly, most people who are comtemplating breaking up usually never tell the other person till they are actually breaking up. you never give them a chance. you never let them know there is a problem. yes...YOU know there's a problem. yes you complain about him not calling enough. you complain about him not coming around enough. you complain about him not doing enough for you. but you never say, "yanno what...i love you but i can't be with you if you don't...".

you have to at least talk to him about it. at least make him aware that the problem is big enough to make you leave him. and i'ma be honest, most guys will do enough to get you to shut up before the slide back into their old bad habits. so you have to be persistent and let him know your serious. cause if he really knows that he's reached the end of your rope..he'll do better. he'll change. i always say, people change all the time, they just may not for you..if you're not worth it to them. give allowances where they are deserved. no one is perfect. things aren't always going to be great. he's not always going to know how to talk to you. he's not always going to know how to treat you. or the things he supposed to say to make you feel better. so talking to him, watching how he reacts to what you have to a good indication on how he feels. give him the chance to show you that you should stay. or give him the push and let him jump out his own window and out of your way.

#1: make sure there are/will be no regrets..

this is #1 because this is what makes people miss out on a good relationship or worse case scenario go back to a bad one. when you're ready to break up, be ready to break up. be ready to walk away. be ready to leave him alone. be ready to have him out of your life. not saying you can't miss him. not saying you can't think about him. or remember the good times. just saying that once you break, know that it can possibly be forever. and be ok with that.

too many times people break up then months, years, relationships later want that person back. not so much in the sense that you want to be with them. but you feel that he was the ONE. you feel like that was the person you were meant to be with. you feel like you made a mistake.

now i'm not talking about those days or nights where you start drunk dialing them. i'm not talking about those special days or anniversaries that get you in that "please leave me alone" mode. it's natural in a break up to miss someone or to remember the good times.

regretting your decision to break up with someone is NOT the same as missing what they were in your life. regretting it is holding on to a past you let go. whatever you reasoning let it go. so you should let go of the temptation of "going backwards". so when you make the decision to break up...understand that even if someway your path gets realigned with that person you shouldn't be sitting at home crying all night waiting for it. everything happens for a reason, and if God wants you to be with him...then at some point he'll reenter you life with a different relationship. which means it won't be the same one you stop hoping to get it back. it's gone.


Focused Tiff said...

Good post, I kinda don't like #1 though...because I'm not ready to give it up. Had I read & had you wrote this blog before March 26th, then I could have made sure I did #2, so I wouldn't be sitting here waiting on him to come back :)

lilioohpyt said...

:-) this one came right on time. just realized that i gotta let this one friend go, even thought i really like him and I thought (keyword) we had a connection....its shaping up to be better to walk away now and meet up later in life than to continue to walk down this same path with him. I'm starting to wonder why I keep meeting boys in their journey to become a man....*hmpf* nevermind, it may just be because im on my own journey right now as well....*sigh*

Monique said...

Its ironic you would post this when I had to have this very discussion/make this decision last week just before my birthday. It took some arguing/yelling/talking until 4am for a decision to be made but I'm glad we did. There were some mean words and feelings coming out that we had both been holding on to for YEARS and it was time to air it all. I'm glad I did because I feel so much better about my decision.

Poppy said...

"he can beat me...he just can't punch me in my face" That made me laugh out loud!
These are some great tips & words of wisdom though, many people make quick decisions based on how they feel in the moment of a fight. People need to follow these steps & take relationships more seriously, and not a "oh it's over I hate you!" then 3 weeks later "I miss you boo". *Rolling my eyes* lol

tha unpretentious narcissist© said...

@focusedtiff: aw i'm sorry i was too late to help. trust me, i know what it feels like to be waiting for someone to come back tho. i'm going through that right now.

@lilioohpyt: i'm sorry you had to let him go. and it does suck not meeting at the right time. sometimes people want to be with you, but know they aren't ready for that type of relationship at this moment.

@monique: cool cool..i a true believer in talking shit out. i hate making a decision with things not clear on both ends. which is where i'm at right now in my current non-relationship. i wanted to talk things out. she wanted to walk away with them unresolved.

@poppy: i'm saying yanno you gotta protect the face. everyone knows that. yea i'm not about the breaking up and then waiting a long time to want to come back. i feel like this. if you come back within a week we can still talk things out. if you're off for longer than that dating, living your life w/o'll give me enough time to get over you.