manfive friday #76

i apologize for the delay. but as promised..last week's manfive.

now i know y'all are you looking at the picture. and thinking, wtf is he about to say. wtf can "i" learn from whatever foolishness that is about to follow. well ladies. i'm going to explain to you something that your mama, daddy, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunties, friends..should have told you.

manfive (tuesday) friday #76 topic of the week: 5 reasons we love or hate your makeup..

simply put some of you ladies never learned how to apply make up. you never learned what looks best on you. in fact some of you ladies must close your eyes when getting yourself ready in the morning, because when i see a chick walk outside like this....

smh.

#5: you think you're on top model...but really you're on the security screen at the front desk of your job..

some of you ladies try all that model shit at your regular job. now, maybe cause i'm a man....but um err..there is a time and place for everything. and at your 9-5 is is not the time to be trying out electric blue eye shadow, lip stick, and beauty moles. i'm just saying. it's not professional. it's not attractive. it's not normal. yes...it looks "cool" on tv. in a magazine. on the weirdo walking down the street. but on a normal everyday woman. you look ridiculous. you wonder why men don't approach you. you wonder why women are always hating on you. you wonder why they keep sending you in the back room when clients come in...wonder no more. it's your face. please leave the 7 inch eyelashes alone. 7 inch eyelashes = drag queen.  so please..do us a favor and don't add to the drag queen population. let them have that. don't be a chick that looks like a man trying to look like a chick.

#4: your face is chocolate latte, your neck is dark chocolate fudge...

if you can't match your colors, go slap your kindergarten teacher. like for real. ain't nothing sexy about a two toned woman. i mean if you got vitilago. if you've had 3rd degree burns. if someone beat you to your white meat. ok. we can work with that.

but if you wake up one tone and walk out your house two different tones. i'ma have to SHAKE-YA-BABY. ladies, stop it. stop thinking "cocoa brown" is universal for your skin tone. it's not gonna blend. it's not gonna change by afternoon. if it looks crazy in your mirror, ms. lady it's not your mirror. it's your face. take that shit off. a lot of us won't even know that's what's wrong with you. we'll just be looking at you like something isn't right. something is a little off. and once we figure it out. we gonna think it's contagious. cause we think everything is contagious. the reason we always kissing around shit...

if you got a rash, contagious. if you got a mole, contagious. if you got nipple hair, contagious. we think anything you got on your body that don't seem right is gonna spread to us. so we won't fuck with you.

#3: natural ain't for everybody...

so i've been going kinda hard on the make up wearing women. well let me just say this. makeup is an accessory, not a necessity...BUT

if you look like you're 80 years old. if you got more wrinkles than a sheet. more bags than an airport. more dark spots than a leopard. then...maybe you NEED to put something over that shit. you ladies are beautiful, true enough. God created you to standout like the flowers. but there are some ugly flowers too.

i love that you ladies feel like you can just wash and go. a little carmax, a little moisturizer. a little zit cream. yes, some of you ladies are blessed with nice, youthful skin. some of you ladies have never wore make up and look like your 14-17 years old when you're really 34. yea, it works for some of you. but there are some of you that look like ms. sophia from the color purple after she got beat for telling ms. millie, "hell no". i don't think a straight man will actually say, "go put on some make up". because he'll just assume that "that" is the best you can do. so if you know you got problem areas. if you know certain make up items can enhance your appearance...try them out. look at queen latifiah in her covergirl...she almost could get it. almost.

#2:  you're painted up like a hoe house in new orleans...

you already know that's shit gotta be tacky. i can not stress to you ladies how we HATE when you look like mimi from the drew carey show. do not paint your face up like ronald mcdonald. this is so much worse than the experimental shit from top model. simply because you're not trying something out new. something "funky". something "unusual". you just got on too much ugly shit. we automatically think you're like 14 or stupid. one or the other. if you look old...then we just think you're stupid. only chicks allowed to do this shit is girls who stole their mama's makeup then went & snuck and put it on in the bathroom at school. we expect teenage girls to not know how to wear makeup. grown ass women, not so much. exercise your right to stop. exercise your right to look in a mirror. exercise your right to not look like a fool.

#1: girl you be killing 'em...

i don't care what anyone says. a chick who knows how to put on makeup. knows how to accent her eyes, lips, features. is...sexy. that shit is just sexy. it's sexy in a non obvious way. i like when i can't really tell you have it on. i just notice shit. i notice your eyes are pulling me in. your face is glowing. your lips are looking all soft and delicious.  you be killing'em

like literally. i will run over children, old people, deer...looking at your sexy ass walk down the street.