Friday, November 5, 2010

manfive friday #61

"ooh baby look into the corners of your mind/i'll always be there for you through the good and bad times/but i can't be that superwoman that you want me to be/i'll give my love, oh, lasting love if you return love to me" - Superwoman by Karyn White

manfive friday #61 topic of the week: 5 definite signs a man needs his woman's support. (topic courtesy of qu33nkam)

i'm gonna be honest with you ladies. yes, we do expect yall to be mind readers. yes we do expect yall to know something is wrong and to make it better. no, we don't plan to tell you what is wrong. you should just know. and if you don't know..guess what, "you don't care". and if you care to much, you're smothering the hell out of us. either way, we don't leave a lot of room for you to win. we want you to be our superwomen, but most times we won't or can't open up enough to let you know when you're needed. so by are 5 signs that a man needs/wants your support, comfort, or attention.

#5: he's crying..

now, look at the picture above. how many of yall ladies started laughing when yall saw that? i'm thinking maybe 89% of yall. the other 11% were looking confused thinking, "why dude crying?. yanno why yall did that? cause yall don't really deal well with guys crying. either it's funny, cause it's like..."you look like a up". or it's confusing because you're not used to it and don't know what to do or say. either way...crying on a man is not common place. now, there are dudes who randomly cry. who really are punks. and i think we all know when a dude is punk crying. so no, i won't sit here and tell you to coddle a punk crier. but there are serious times when men really do cry. and a dude may lie and tell you he never cries, but that's a lie. everyone cries. we come into the world crying. for most men there are  3 types of man tears:

1. tears of anger. you women see these a lot. you might even think he's sad, but he's not. he's pissed off. you're leaving him. you think he's breaking down cause he can't phantom not having you. no...he's pissed off you're trying to break up with him and that he has to beg you. he is crying cause he's mad. guys often do this. let a dude get really mad and watch his eyes water.

2. death. men cry at funerals. men cry when they lose someone they care about. if you have any emotions in you, it's hard not to. now i'm not talking about aunt esther laying out on the floor crying. but a few tears. maybe a breakdown if it's major.

3. something traumatic/monumental happens. either something he's deathly afraid of. birth of a child. marriage. graduation. anything that means a lot but doesn't happen often.

this is where guys get a cry pass. so what do you do, when your guy gets a cry pass? first all..stop laughing. if you see your dude bust out in tears, please resist the urge to laugh. and i'm serious..i know a lot of yall think it's funny. i mean when some of my dudes cry it is kinda funny. but think about it. as sensitive as yall asses are...what if he started laughing at you when you were crying over something? so put your grown woman panties on and be serious. at a funeral or something..if you can hold it together..hold it together for him. let him know it's okay. that you don't think he's less of a man for doing it. also don't mention it again. if he cries cause he broke down and told you something, don't replay the moment over for him. it was a moment. you were there..leave it alone. the trick of comforting in a crying moment is understanding it's a vulnerable state that he's probably uncomfortable with you seeing him in. so be sensitive, but don't make him feel like a girl for crying. that's his male friends job, not yours.

#4: he gets angry with you and you haven't done anything...

you ever said something to your dude and he just snapped at you like he was on his period? like seriously. you said, "i love the stars..." and he's just like, "fuck a star..". and you're looking at him like, "what the hell is wrong with you?".  or you ask him how he likes a new hairstyle and he's starts going in on you, and you're just sitting there wondering what's wrong. when a guy has a lot on his mind. he's gotten fired. or got into an argument with someone else. everyone knows people take things out on the people who love them more than anyone else. it's never right. and it's definitely not fair. i mean what can you do to counter an attack you have no idea about?

well first. resist the urge to get rowdy with him. and i know it's hard. it's always hard to ignore someone pissed off at you, especially for no reason. but try your best, to calmly ask him what's the problem.

example of what NOT to say...

you: hey like my dress?
him: it's ok.
you: just ok?
him: yes...just ok
you: it's new, i just bought it from....
him: i don't care where you got the damn dress from...
you: okay..what the fuck is wrong with you?

yall proceed to fight...

vs. what to say..

you: hey like my dress?
him: it's ok
you: just ok?
him: yes...just ok
you: it's new, i just bought it from....
him: i don't care where you got the damn dress from....
you: uh..okay time out. what's wrong? i know it's not about my dress...

now i'm not saying yall might not fight after the second scenario. because if he's hellbent on fighting he can make it happen. but at least you remained calm. he's trying to upset you, honestly because he's upset. and maybe he couldn't control what upset him earlier, but he thinks by catching you off guard he can control this fight. get his aggression out. and to be honest a lot of times it's unconscious behavior. you're just angry and even if you're not trying to fight everything just turns into one. best way is to diffuse the situation. either give him some time to cool off. if he's snapping, excuse yourself from the situation. BUT...don't do it with an attitude. giving a guy space, and saying, "when you stop being an asshole call me" then going on about your business. just makes him think you don't care. all you got to do to show a guy you care but don't want to fight with him is say, "it seems like you're upset. and i'm not sure why. but i hope whatever it is it gets better. if you want to talk about it, call me later. but i'm going to let you go now". then leave/hang up/stop texting. yes it's that simple.

#3: he withdraws

a common sign a man is upset, sad, or unhappy..he starts to withdraw. a lot of times women automatically think a man being distant is him being sneaky or cheating. when honestly a lot of the times it's a comfort zone. men don't know how to deal with our emotions. not the same way women do. it's okay for women to be sensitive. it's okay for you to be frustrated and complain. but what happens when a guy complains? he's being a punk. he's being a bitch. he's acting like a chick...(i'm sorry but yall know yall say that too). so when a guy has a lot on his plate. he's dealing with something. he tries to deal with it himself. keeps to himself. and tries to fix it himself.

so what can you do to make it better? let him know you're there. if you notice he's becoming distant, acknowledge it. not in that annoying . yanno the way where you keep asking over and over again.."what's wrong?". "why you being so distant?". "you cheating on me?" there are ways to get to the bottom of the problem without being a parrot. so don't continue to ask the same question that's getting you no where. just say, "i notice you aren't talking to me much, is anything wrong". if he isn't receptive. just tell him, "yanno, i'm here if something is bothering you..". the truth is, it boils down to communication between you two. if he feels like he's able to talk to you, then he'll come to you more often and when things are bothering him. if communication sucks, more than likely he'll withdraw from the situation. the key to getting a guy to open up is letting him know you're receptive, that you aren't forcing him. it has to be our idea. we have to want to tell you. we have to be ready to talk about it. we have to be in control. if you try to coax it out of us, it annoys us. and we go back into our man shell. 

#2: he hits you with, "i need space". then gets mad when you give it to him..

ok. this a important one. men want to talk to you when they want to talk to you. meaning. don't ask, i'll tell you when i'm ready. don't smother me. don't ask me a million questions. don't ask me if i'm sure. don't bother me. i need space. then you give him space and hit him up and he's pissed off at you. i'm saying...he told you to give him space right?

this is where the mind reader part comes in. men naturally expect women to care. we expect yall to be in tune with things. you should know what's wrong. and that we need you. so even when we ask for space. yall aren't supposed to give it to us. not in that, "i'm really giving you space" way. needing space is, "needing you to chill out for a moment and not be over the top. needing space is, "not asking us a million questions". needing space is not bogging us down with your problems & issues when we're going through our own shit. we don't need you to disappear, stop calling, checking up on us. guys who want "you to disappear" space, just don't wanna be with you. needing space to deal with something is needing time to think and figure out the best way to fix a problem. if we feel like you're missing in action, we get upset because we're so used to you over caring that once you're no longer doing that..we think you just don't care at all. i can't tell you exactly the right balance between leaving your guy alone and being there..because it varies. and i know it doesn't make sense. but that's just how we are. we want yall to leave us alone to a degree. but we expect you to at least check and make sure we're cool. yes we'll act annoyed, but that's actually how we know you care about us.

#1: he ask you for it..

if we have a bad day. we expect you to know it. we think.."i hate the world..but i'm gonna come home and my woman is gonna make it better". then he walks into the door..and there is no dinner. in're no where to be found. there goes that "mind reader" thing again. but maybe he's gotten to the point where he tells you he needs you. he wants you to support, or make it better. what do you do? you do the best you can. it's unfair to think anyone can make everything better. we are all human. just because i have an issue, doesn't mean that's the biggest issue in your life. i can't expect you to just stop everything and see about me. but the one thing i should be able to for you to try to do your best to make me feel better. if you know i'm going through something. if you know i'm down. or in need of being cheered up, don't ignore it. it's very easy to become annoyed when someone needs you. be understanding. be patient. pay attention. most times we just want to know that you get where we're coming from. you understand why we're upset. once we tell you, we want it to be important to you as well. we need to know we can depend on you. that you're concerned. we need to feel like we aren't alone. it's not your job, nor is it one sided (we should be able to give you the same thing). but it is an expectation we have when it comes to women. we want you to be nurturing and caring. we want you to be understanding and reassuring. we want you to make it better, yet still view us as strong. one of the biggest reasons men are scared of show emotion is because we feel it changes your views of us. we fear judgment and misunderstanding. we are taught being strong is having/showing no emotions. you are taught the same thing as far as what men should be/do. being able to share that with you is a process of honesty, communication, and trust. so next time a guy shares something with you, before you write it off. know it took a lot for him to be vulnerable with you. respect him for being man enough to ask you to be there for him. and just be there.


lovely said...

everything happens for a reason...

this post is real poignant for me at this moment in my life...
to avoid a tangent i guess all i can say is thanks for posting.

& lol b/c i've done #3...

Monique said...

This is a good post.

Anonymous said...

Very good post buddy!

I guess I really am different because I didn't laugh at the guy in the pic crying. I got a tad sad mostly because men don't cry for no good reason.

Lover has cried in front of me 2 times and both times I did my best to just be there for him. Both times were tears of frustration. Those type of tears I can fully relate to just being human. But the fact that he didn't hold them back from me says a lot of about him and how he feels about me( he trusts me)

U know I have an issue with the withdrawl thing. I'm glad u spoke on that. It gives me a little more insight. But what you wrote is pretty much what he said as well the last time we had that conversation.

Anonymous said...

I wish a mother f*cker would curse at me because I asked him about a dress... That relationship would be over faster than he could get the words out of his mouth.

Qu33n Kam... said...

Thank u so much for doing this post I know it will help me and a lot of other women cuz a lot of times we get confused when men get mad cuz ur behavior is sometimes opposite of what we do, I've always experienced the withdrawl and the getting mad at me for no reason from a man and never knew what to do cuz I now feel weird and inecure cuz he done flipped on me like I'm the problem. I always felt it was cuz he was being an asswhole, which I realized is not always the case. Now I know what to do when this ever happens again. Thanks Ashaun :)

tha unpretentious narcissist© said...

@lovely: feel free to go on a and you're welcome.

@monique: thank ya kindly..

@luvlymskrissy: thank you. and i'm glad you're part of the 11% and didn't laugh. i'm glad i got backup on what i said. it's real important to be supportive. that's something that if you do it he'll be grateful, but if you don't..he'll always remember that. lol..

@i'm alee:'re young. it happens. ppl get mad. you'll get mad about something and take it out on him. it's not a fair thing to do..but ppl do it all the time.

@qu33n kam: you're welcome. that's like i tell everyone, if you ever have a question feel free to ask. i'm glad it helped. and don't sweat the little stuff. people change all the time. you'll learn how to counter his moods. it says a lot you even noticed his change.