Friday, June 17, 2011

Manfive Friday #83

it's hard dealing with issues. especially if the issues aren't yours. sometimes in relationships, even in some's hard to help someone help themselves. especially if they don't want to.

manfive friday #83 topic of the week: 5 reasons why a man gets a rut.

have you ever been with someone who is just stuck in their ways. stuck in an situation. a job. indecisive about life, goals, you...

#5: he's not sure of himself

he's scared to jump out there. scared to do more than just dream. he knows what he wants. he knows what it takes to get there and do it. he just is scared of failing. a lot of times a guy will stay in a bad job. a bad financial situation. and stunt his own growth because he thinks.."it's out there, just not for him". the risk are too great. the work is too hard. the wait is too long.

it's like looking out of your window, seeing the moon and wanting to touch it. you see it miles away. you know it's there, but you're afraid the moment you reach out for it you'll fall to your death. this kind of guy has no faith in himself. what he needs is someone who will push him. someone who will reassure him, he can do it. you can help him by making him see that the things he wants are possible. don't shoot down his dreams, encourage them. don't laugh or agree that it's impossible (i'm saying unless he's dreaming up some totally ridiculous shit). all he needs is a push. he has all the tools necessary to succeed he just doesn't believe in himself.

#4: he's depressed

sometimes depression sneaks up on the best of them. and sometimes you can be with someone and not even know they are depressed. depression isn't always worn on the outside. and most times, when people are aware they are depressed they actually try to hide it from you. it's hard to help someone who is depressed, because depression is a condition you have to work your way out of it. there is no quick fix. you can't just go get ice cream and it's all better. a man who's down about life whether it's his family life, a relationship, career, going to gravitate towards things he knows. and things that make him comfortable. hence...putting him in a rut. my only advice in this situation is to be patient, be understanding, and to help them work out their issues. but be careful they don't pass along their depression to you. because depression is very contagious. and two people depressed trying to help one another. is like two fat people at Piccadilly (a buffet)....recipe for disaster.

#3: he's content with the minimum

sometimes you think it's a "rut" when really he's content with his middle ground. some guys just don't care. just don't want more. have settled for what they have and are happy with it. a lot of times you women find yourself trying to "make" him want more. make him want to get a promotion. make more money. declare a major. get married. whatever the agenda is..he's not with it. because he's satisfied where he is. it seems crazy, but it happens. only thing you can do when someone doesn't want more and you do leave.

#2:  he's not ready..

you ever been with a guy who as soon as y'all break up "gets his shit together". first he can't decide where he wants to go to college or IF he wants to go to college. then he can't decide what he wants to major in. after graduation he can't decide if he wants to get a job or go back for a "masters". he doesn't know if he wants to marry you. he doesn't know if he wants to move across the country. he doesn't know if he wants to just move back in with his mom and get his job at radio shack back. he has no aspirations as of yet. no plans for a future. so he just stays in his comfort zone. bouncing from one thing to another like a ping pong ball. he's not ready to advance. he's not ready to be a man. his "rut" is lack of maturity & decisiveness. and until he grows up. not too much anyone can do for him.

#1: he's defeated himself..

he's his own worse enemy. it's a little bit of #5-2...he doubts it's possible, became depressed & content, and still doesn't want to accept the responsibility that comes with growth. he's settled for a life he doesn't want, but fears it's the only one that's possible. a lot of times a guy will feel trapped. pressure of succeeding. pressure of impressing. pressure of someone else depending on him. it's hard to move out & up if you keep building a wall you can't break through or climb over. you can help this kind of guy by staying out of his way. because he's a freight train and he's barrelling down a long track with no warning sign. he doesn't want help, nor will he accept it. not saying you can't help him, just saying you can't help him unless you're willing to sacrifice the things you want and need. this the kind of guy you help as a friend. you help him see that he deserves more. and the lies he's feeding himself. all the people who are "out to keep him down" don't exist. he is responsible for his own life & his own success. help him to stop blaming others and himself and he may surprise himself and you. 


krissy said...

Man I know all about the depressed boyfriend. My bf was very depressed before he started working out of state. Before then it was like he was stuck in a rut. He wasn't very nice to be around. Not that he was being mean to me or anything, just that he was. . .well. . . Depressing! I'm glad he got it together and I'm glad I was able to stick by him though his despressed period.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely love this post (and this blog). My bf is a major procrastinator because at times he feels defeated and it gets hard sometimes because, like you said, he doesn't accept help and gets upset when I offer it to him. I'm going to definitely try the advice you gave Because I have found in the past when I talk to encourage him he seems a lot more susceptible and at least starts to get things done.

sunshinestar110 said...

I swear sometimes i think you are writing the story to my life with these manfive! Stuck in a rut is exactly what is going on right now and i personally didn't know how or what to do with him but now i got a better understanding...i think

Rells said...


tha unpretentious narcissist© said...

@krissy: i'm glad you were able to stick by him too, because it made you guys stronger. and it created a support system that he'll forever be grateful for.

@a black malfunction: thanks & welcome to the blog. the thing about help is it's humbling and once you do accept it, you realize the place it's coming from. but when you think everything is on you, and you just got so much you want and need to do. you start thinking that it's impossible. after a while when you break that "help" wall down, he'll start seeing you're there to help and not judge/take over.

@sunshinestar110: lol..not the story of your life..maybe just a chapter or two. hang in there.

@rells: thanks..and welcome to the blog.