manfive friday #81 topic of the week: control issues...
how do you tell a grown ass woman what she should or shouldn't be doing, who does he think he is, your dad? sometimes in relationships you run into problems with control. some of you ladies feel like a man is trying to change you. he's trying to hold you back. he's trying to complicate your life. he's trying to CONTROL you, like you're a child. or a puppet. or a concubine. here are 5 different ways for you to view control issues in a relationship.
#5: you're out of control
i mean let's keep it all the way 100%. some of you ladies shouldn't be in relationships. your mind isn't in it. you're all for cuddling. all for having a "boo thang", but have no idea what you should/shouldn't be doing while in a relationship. so you continue living as if your single with a boyfriend. and he keeps trying to curtail your behavior.
some of you are hoodrats. some of you are just young. some of you are too damn old to still be acting like this. but nevertheless, you do. and he's honestly trying to be with you despite that. so when you get that, "you ain't my daddy...". attitude. you're right, he's not your dad. but he has to act in a authoritative role because you're acting like a child. so him barking things to you makes him seem like he just doesn't want you to have fun. when really he just doesn't understand why you have to be in the club and win the "most naked, but got on clothes contest" every night. or
he doesn't get how you can spend all your time with your friends when you got a 2 year old that stays with your mom that you don't take care of. he honestly shouldn't be controlling you because, truthfully he shouldn't even be with you. not saying he has it all together himself, because obviously there had to be a fuckery driven attraction between the two of you. but maybe he's outgrown the foolishness, maybe he's a hypocrite, or maybe he's just a nice guy who got involved with you and is trying to make it work. either way, his "controlling" is a helpful push in the right direction. not a "i want to ruin your life...". push. you're just too out of control to see it that way.
#4: maybe he IS controlling..
okay this is the type of guy who wants to know where you are, what you're doing, and who is there....he needs gps, details, & names. he wants to know what you're wearing, why you're wearing it, and before you answer it, he'll let you know why he doesn't want you wearing it. this isn't a "he's just very opinionated" this is he's just very controlling. maybe it's because he's jealous. maybe he thinks he has to send you out looking a certain way for you to return home to him. maybe he feels inferior, and it's a mind game to break you down. or maybe he's just unstable. either way. this is the worst type of controlling dude. because he's going to use his size, tone, and power over you to control your actions. he'll basically make you scared of him. either scared he'll leave. or scared of the repercussions of disobeying him.
#3: he's been there done that..
this is the older guys. i find myself in this situation when i'm dating a woman more than a couple of years younger than me. i try to prevent her from making what i deem are mistakes. basically i've been in the situation before, see where it's headed, and know how it's going to end. so i'm trying to save you from making the same mistakes.
but i've found out that you ladies actually want to earn your own mistake badges. like no amount of explaining or sharing my experience, is going to detour you from "seeing for yourself". so my advice is seen as control, even though that's not the place it's coming from. but guys in this position are seen as judgmental and father-like, because they are telling you not to do something that you think you are missing out on if you don't. it's almost a lose-lose. because if he tries to warn you, you're pissed. if you don't do it, you're pissed. if you do it and he's right, you're pissed. honestly despite what you think, you're rarely right about your decision. and this isn't my inner "older guy" speaking. it's my "i've been there..and now i know better" speaking. it's advice, not an order. and a lot of times you ladies don't want to take good advice because you deem it controlling and don't see the place it's coming from.
#2: maybe you're the control freak..
sometimes it's you. YOU'RE the control freak. and anything against what you want to do is viewed as controlling. it's hard when you get set in your own ways. and you want things a certain way. sometimes you can't see a compromise as a mutual agreement. you just see it as, agree with what i want or do what i want to agree to disagree. you immediately think you can't agree when things are "not my way" so you immediately bump heads. and bumping heads with someone who is going to stubbornly hold his ground will make you frustrated. it will make you think he's just trying to control you. because you're used to being the only person in charge.
to that ma'am, i say.....remove the stick from your rectal area. at some point, being in a relationship you're going to have to relinquish some of the control. you're going to have to do things his way sometimes too. it can't always be your way. and you have to be mature enough to let him be the man. all you ladies screaming, "i want a man to take charge..." when you won't give him the opportunity to do so. it's not about being forceful. because a man shouldn't have to be forceful to take charge. he doesn't have to "put you in your place". you just have to respect him enough to value his opinions. and to not challenge everything he says.
#1: act accordingly..
i know you're staring at #1's title, and thinking wtf. i'm gonna let you know why this is the #1 reason a guy seems controlling. you ladies know what you want in a man. you have some idea of what you want in a husband. and you want that person to act accordingly.
well.....a lot of times a guy who wants more with you. will try to mold you into the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. not a "change you" situation. and a lot of you ladies who fall into the category of #5, #3, or #2...have to reach a place of growth. you have to grow out of the childish behavior. you have to learn from your mistakes. and you have to stop thinking your way is the only way, in order to give him the relationship he's looking for with you. so when i say "act accordingly" i'm saying..the direction he's leading you in is the one to be with him. it's not control, it's learning respect. he has to respect you, you're feelings, accept your flaws and be willing to deal with them. but you have to do the same, in return.
he tells you:
"you go out too much".
in man talk:
i don't want a woman who's always out in the streets. always hanging out. always looking for things to entertain her. it's cool when you're just dating. it's cool every now and then. but to a man a woman always being out screams.."she's not ready to settle down". or moreso, she's not the type you settle down with. and that's just keeping it 100. this is how men think. not to say, you can't go out with your girls. you can't have fun. you get with a guy and have to become a hermit. just saying at some point you have to grow up. notice all the 40 y/o single ladies in the clubs buying themselves their own drinks. yea..that's what happen when you choose going out over your boyfriend.
he tells you:
"you listen to your friends too much..".
in man talk:
he saying, "stop listening to your friends..and try listening to me." your friends may or may not be a problem to him. either they are influencing you to do things he doesn't like. or you share too much with them and they are a bigger part of your relationship than they should be. doesn't mean he hates them. just means he's saying, "put them in their place". this doesn't mean you have to sever ties with your friends. it doesn't mean he doesn't want you to have friends. or you can't go to them for advice or to just talk things out. it means check the power you give your friendships over your relationship. if you don't consider him a friend, if what he says doesn't matter, if you can't talk to him about things, then why don't you just marry "Tawanda"? a relationship is also a friendship. and a lot of times you ladies separate the two. it's my boyfriend & then it's my friends. a man may have tons of friends. but once he finds the woman he wants to marry..that's his best friend. that's the one he's going to depend on the most. the one he's going to go to the most. the one he's going to share the most with. that's what separates you from all the other women he's ever messed with. so the way you view & handle your friendships says a lot. you think i'm bullshitting, ask any guy who's married.
he tells you:
"you need to get your priorities straight.."
in man talk:
this means, you want things that don't go along with the direction he's headed. doesn't mean that you're wrong, he's right. doesn't mean he's wrong, you're right. just means that if y'all don't meet somewhere in the middle it's pointless to continue being together. he may want a family, kids, you to move and be with him. and you may want to work, wait a few years for kids, and build a life separate before you're ready to move. it's not controlling to want you to move in his direction. just like you're not being controlling, for wanting to stay in the direction you're going. but it's viewed that way when someone is making you feel like this is what they want. and this is the way you should be acting.
all these examples prove one thing. control in a relationship if not of ill intent (#4) is basic misunderstanding. it's two people coming together with two different views trying to have one similar view. it's not a "i think i'm your daddy" situation. it's a "i want to be with you and these are the things that bother me". you shouldn't do 100% of what i want, but you also can't do 100% of what you want and be in a relationship. at some point there has to be compromise. and compromise in a weakened relationship is considered control. whoever is compromising the most feels like they are being controlled. that's why it should always be equal.