Wednesday, February 15, 2012

best job i've ever had...

i remember the moment i found out you were going to be in my life. from that moment my whole life has been about you. it's been for you. every decision, every step, every breath i've taken from that day has included you.

the first time i held you in my arms, i didn't cry. i just prayed. i prayed that God forever protect you, guide you, and bless you with a world of possibilities. i prayed that i'd be a great father. i had never been so scared and happy at the same time. you were/are the greatest gift i could have ever imagined. as days went by. months went by. i watched in amazement everything you did. even though other babies could walk, talk, go to the potty...i acted like i had never heard of such a thing. you were "mr. amazing" a name that stuck to the point other's started referring to you as such.

the one thing i wanted to give you, was a father who was there. that's the one thing i missed out on as a child. my father was there, but always worked. i wanted to be a hands on father. a father who was around all the time. one who never missed a moment. one who took so many pictures you got tired. one who stayed up all night doing projects for you. i wanted/want to be the father that you know is always there if/when you need me. yea, you've had a lot of days/nights in the studio with me. and a lot of people ask me why i bring you to work with me. yea, i know sometimes it's boring. sometimes you'd rather be someplace playing. but i don't want to be the kind of father who goes to work for hours on end and never sees my son. i cut back the hours i work so i can take you to school, pick you up, and get you home at a reasonable time. i do that, because you're worth it. i'd quit everything to be a father to you.

sometimes when i look at you, i see that little boy i held in my arms. when i hug you or you fall asleep on me, i can't help but feel like you're still my baby boy. i mean you're not grown...but even as your legs dangle a little further everyday i still pick you up when you're sleep and take you to your bed. like i have no idea how i'm going to handle you trying to drive. graduating high school. going off to school. yes, it's all things i want for you. but i don't ever want to think you'll be too old to need me. i see why my mom was so scary acting when i left for college. i see why my parents were so hard on me to be responsible..before they'd cut the strings. they didn't want to let me go. and here  i am dreading that day already and you're not even out of elementary school.

it's hard to believe 6 years ago, i had no idea what my life was missing. i've had the best job, i've ever had for 6 years. for 6 years...

i've been somebody's dad.

do y'all know how big that is? my son is 6 today. i have a 6 year old. which to many isn't a big deal. i could see if i was 15 asking you if you could believe it. so pardon my disbelief and my excitement. he has got to be the best thing that has ever happened to me. the best part of me.

i love being a father. i love being his father. the most amazing feeling is having him pray for me at night. having him tell me he loves me <-------------this much---------------->.  drawing a picture of me & him. him repeatedly saying, "daddy...", asking me question after question. wanting to show me a silly dance or face he can make. listening to his logic. being taught about all the characters on seasme street, pbs kids, sprout, nick jr., etc. him wanting/needing my undivided attention. him calling me to shoot to breeze. leaving threatening voicemails..."daddy, why didn't you pick up this phone? you better call me right now. this is your SON. call me. i hafta tell you something." only to call him back and find out, "i need super dog, from the super readers. we hafta go to the toy store right away!"  

it's such a blessing to have a child. to have a son. to have a jr. to look at someone and see yourself. to know in their eyes that you are this super hero who they 100% trust, love, & can't be without. he's my right hand man. my sidekick. my running partner. my ace boon coon. he's everything i could ever want in a son and so much more. and the only thing i want from him, is his happiness. that's what makes me happy. yea, i spoil him. yea, i kiss and hug him. yea, i baby him. the one thing he'll never say is his father doesn't love him. or that i wasn't there. or that i didn't "try" to make him happy. i know as parents we aren't going to be perfect. our kids aren't going to agree with all of our decisions. they aren't going to forget all of our mistakes. they won't accept all of our apologies. but they do know when we are "trying" to do the best we can. as long as he knows that every decision i've made since the day i found out i was going to be a father..has included him and been in his best interest i don't care about nothing else.

happy birthday to my best friend. mr. amazing. my son, Hummer (H2)

7 comments:

Krissy said...

Damn you buddy! This post made me cry. I know how much you love your son but yo see you put it in words. . . Love it!


Happy birthday hummerrrrr! The best nephew I've never met! Lol

Monique said...

*tears* as a parent,a mother at that, i know exactly how you feel. I hope you let him read this post one day and remind just how much his daddy loves him.

what is your light? said...

aww this is so sweet!

I love black dads! not to "type" you, it just means a lot to me to see men from my culture (more or less) show love and vulnerability and protection to their kids...this is great! i look forward to the future posts!

do you want to have more kids?

DianaBoss said...

Awww that hit me right here <3
U.N. I truly appreciate who you are!

Freckles said...

awesome. its nice to see that you are able to put your heart to words. I love this post.

Garry said...

As a guy who grew up without a full time father figure i really a appreciate a Man standing up and rasing his child the best way he knows how. Big up to you for breaking the stereotype of the dead beat black father...

Raises drink in honor of a Father...

tha unpretentious narcissist© said...

@Krissy: don't be watering your cheeks on my blog...lol

@Monique: thank ya kindly. I try to tell him this stuff daily, hopefully he'll retain it in his memories

@what is your light: well I am a "black dad" so I don't mind. And yea I def want more kids. My god daughter makes me want a little girl

@ Diana boss: aw thanks. Tried to comment on your blog the other day but your security features wouldn't let my tablet be great

@freckles: thank ya ma'am...

@Garry: appreciate that man. Also thanks for being my lone ranger male commenter...rest of them lurking.