im still here...

my girlfriend has been down here monopolizing my time...y'all cut me some slack. i'll be back asap

best job i've ever had...

i remember the moment i found out you were going to be in my life. from that moment my whole life has been about you. it's been for you. every decision, every step, every breath i've taken from that day has included you.

the first time i held you in my arms, i didn't cry. i just prayed. i prayed that God forever protect you, guide you, and bless you with a world of possibilities. i prayed that i'd be a great father. i had never been so scared and happy at the same time. you were/are the greatest gift i could have ever imagined. as days went by. months went by. i watched in amazement everything you did. even though other babies could walk, talk, go to the potty...i acted like i had never heard of such a thing. you were "mr. amazing" a name that stuck to the point other's started referring to you as such.

the one thing i wanted to give you, was a father who was there. that's the one thing i missed out on as a child. my father was there, but always worked. i wanted to be a hands on father. a father who was around all the time. one who never missed a moment. one who took so many pictures you got tired. one who stayed up all night doing projects for you. i wanted/want to be the father that you know is always there if/when you need me. yea, you've had a lot of days/nights in the studio with me. and a lot of people ask me why i bring you to work with me. yea, i know sometimes it's boring. sometimes you'd rather be someplace playing. but i don't want to be the kind of father who goes to work for hours on end and never sees my son. i cut back the hours i work so i can take you to school, pick you up, and get you home at a reasonable time. i do that, because you're worth it. i'd quit everything to be a father to you.

sometimes when i look at you, i see that little boy i held in my arms. when i hug you or you fall asleep on me, i can't help but feel like you're still my baby boy. i mean you're not grown...but even as your legs dangle a little further everyday i still pick you up when you're sleep and take you to your bed. like i have no idea how i'm going to handle you trying to drive. graduating high school. going off to school. yes, it's all things i want for you. but i don't ever want to think you'll be too old to need me. i see why my mom was so scary acting when i left for college. i see why my parents were so hard on me to be responsible..before they'd cut the strings. they didn't want to let me go. and here  i am dreading that day already and you're not even out of elementary school.

it's hard to believe 6 years ago, i had no idea what my life was missing. i've had the best job, i've ever had for 6 years. for 6 years...

i've been somebody's dad.

do y'all know how big that is? my son is 6 today. i have a 6 year old. which to many isn't a big deal. i could see if i was 15 asking you if you could believe it. so pardon my disbelief and my excitement. he has got to be the best thing that has ever happened to me. the best part of me.

i love being a father. i love being his father. the most amazing feeling is having him pray for me at night. having him tell me he loves me <-------------this much---------------->.  drawing a picture of me & him. him repeatedly saying, "daddy...", asking me question after question. wanting to show me a silly dance or face he can make. listening to his logic. being taught about all the characters on seasme street, pbs kids, sprout, nick jr., etc. him wanting/needing my undivided attention. him calling me to shoot to breeze. leaving threatening voicemails..."daddy, why didn't you pick up this phone? you better call me right now. this is your SON. call me. i hafta tell you something." only to call him back and find out, "i need super dog, from the super readers. we hafta go to the toy store right away!"  

it's such a blessing to have a child. to have a son. to have a jr. to look at someone and see yourself. to know in their eyes that you are this super hero who they 100% trust, love, & can't be without. he's my right hand man. my sidekick. my running partner. my ace boon coon. he's everything i could ever want in a son and so much more. and the only thing i want from him, is his happiness. that's what makes me happy. yea, i spoil him. yea, i kiss and hug him. yea, i baby him. the one thing he'll never say is his father doesn't love him. or that i wasn't there. or that i didn't "try" to make him happy. i know as parents we aren't going to be perfect. our kids aren't going to agree with all of our decisions. they aren't going to forget all of our mistakes. they won't accept all of our apologies. but they do know when we are "trying" to do the best we can. as long as he knows that every decision i've made since the day i found out i was going to be a father..has included him and been in his best interest i don't care about nothing else.

happy birthday to my best friend. mr. amazing. my son, Hummer (H2)

i'm late, but yanno you still care.

so i was tagged by two of my buddies (that i know of....if anyone else tagged me lemme know) eons ago. yes, i'm late. what's new? i'm known for coming back months later and commenting on an old post you forgot you even wrote. this is just how i do. . .

what kind of blog friend would i be to get  tagged and not reply? not. a. very. good. one.

so here go my tagged reply minus the actual tagging of everyone else because i'm sure you all got tagged and did this shit a while ago and i'm on the late bus and it would be kinda stupid and lame for me to be issuing out freeze tags after everyone has put their bikes away and went home.

rules:

• must post rules (i'm already breaking the rules cause i just finished saying i wasn't tagging no one).
• you must post 11 random things about yourself
• answer the quesstions set for you in their post
• create 11 questions for people you've taggd (i'm not tagging but i'll create some questions, feel free to answer either in this post or on your blog & let me know)
• go to their blog and tell them they're tagged (again, all are invited)

my random things:

1. essence atkins annoys me for some odd reason, dunno why just can't stand her ass
2. i hate movies dealing with the devil, ghost, possessions, or freddy kruger...not a fan
3. peanut m&m's were put on this earth to get inside my belly
4. i download apps for my phone, android tablet, ipad2, google tv that i never or rarely use..i see a new one and think, "that's cool..i might need that"
5. i LOVE onions. i eat them on & in everything
6. my girlfriend thinks i got a thing for goldie hawn & whoopie golberg because i swear neither have ever made a bad movie & they crack me the fuck up. i even watch kate hudson movies soley because she's goldie hawn's daughter. 
7. last february you couldn't pay me to get on an airplane..but a few weeks ago i took  14 hour flight to bora bora with my dudes for a weekend (baby steps --> bigfoot steps)
8. i have key locks on every door of my house except the bathrooms and closets
9. i'm the "jason pitts" of my crew. . . not a 2 for 1 at the sizzler jason pitts, but i'm the only one who will not spend money when i think i'm being ripped off. just cause you got money doesn't mean you should be dumb and wasteful. 
10. i love fitted caps..i have one on 90% of the time. not hiding a fading hairline, odd shaped head, or a bald spot..just "my thing"
11. i'd rather piss outside than use a public restroom.

ok, i said i was tagged twice, but i didn't see any questions on the first person's blog so here goes the answers to my girl starrla monae's questions:

1. What inspires you?  God  and my son,...i want to do things because there are so many things to do. so many ways to do them. it fascinates me, makes me want to do better, be better. feel like God's given me endless possibilities and my son makes me want to seek them endlessly.

2. What is your earliest childhood memory? my second christmas tearing up the toys my dad spent all night putting together and getting in trouble for it.

3. What is your favorite thing to cook/eat? favorite thing to eat...saulsberry steak. favorite thing to cook..cornish hens (only cause i'm amazed that it ends up looking & tasting so good)

4. What's the name of your favorite book?  The Lord of the Rings books 

5. Do you remember your first love? of course, who forgets their first love? 

6. What is your dream job? i'm living my dream job. i'm a father & i'm music. 

7. Do you have any phobias? used to be airplanes. now it's just ants. i am very uneasy about ants. any other bug...might not like it but i'm cool. but ants make my skin crawl.

8. If you had to lose one of your five senses, which one would it be? probably taste. don't get me wrong, i like to taste things. but living without the other one's don't know if i could do that. not to mention then i could eat anything...even healthy shit and be uneffected.

9. Are you left handed or right handed? naturally right handed, some how some way i've willed myself to be left handed and i can actually use both.

10. Do you have any hidden talent? tons of hidden talent. but telling you would make that statement void..so i can't share it.

11. If you won $500,000 what would you do with it? put it in the bank and keep it moving..

ok, here's my 11 questions for whoever's down:

• if there was no heaven or a hell, would you change the way you live you life?
• what is the most embarrasing question you've ever been asked?
• what was your first thought the first time you saw someone of the opposite sex naked?
• movie smash: if you could pick 2 actors/actresses in their best roles ever what kind of movie would it be? (example: precious tries on mrs. celie's folk pants and finds out they really are one size fits all)
• would you rather be bitten by a bear or a shark?
• describe your first kiss.
• what is/was your favorite age & why?
• what is your biggest pet peeve?
• what is your favorite post from my blog?
• what would be worse walking in on your parents having sex or on your kids having sex?
• if eating shit made you smarter & you had to take a test in order to graduate would you eat it ir fail (only options)?  

good faith gesture

it's coming y'all....i'm just a little buzzed & too tired to do it right now

another challenge....

                                                                            

  it's entitled "shalllaaange (challenge)"

RULES:

• 5 entries on my blog
• any topic of importance to me
• must have NOTHING to do with romantic love 
• only 1 can be about music 

ok, so i can't talk about "romantic" love...you do know it's february correct?  and that is like one of my favorite topics. and only one can be about music? (courtesy of my challenger isis)

you.are.killing.me.dot.com 

add these rules to the fact that my ass is slacking majorly with these post these days. you are handing me mission impossible. but in true form and fashion, i shall attempt your challenge
challma'am...but it'll start tomorrow cause i've been trying to add a picture to this post for 30 minutes on my tablet and the shit was not working for me. so 30 of my good "thinking" minutes was wasted on that ticking circle that spins around like it's loading something, but ain't shit loading.

so for tonight-----> 

but in the morning, ---->

did anyone else notice it's midnight...keep that in mind. clever like a mofo, i am.

manfive friday #96...

this is for you ladies who find yourselves at a crossroad. you're too old to be messing with little boys. but not ready to be picking gray hairs out your teeth...(okay i was so totally out of line for that one).

this week's manfive friday #96: what's your speed......younger men or older men.

i'm not here to tell you which one is better. i recently had a conversation w/ a friend who was contemplating which direction to go...younger or older. then after i wrote this post, i decided to scrap it. then another friend suggested i do this topic again...so i said O...k.  this is in no way a "every guy acts/things like this". so don't hit me with, "my dude 22 and he GROWN"..cause if you say that we're all gonna laugh at you. and if you start complaining, "my dude is 45 and he needs viagra to jack off"...we're all gonna laugh at you. i'm just dropping the mindset and the difference of views of younger vs. older guys..

 

so i'm gonna categorized younger dudes as 18-29. 

 

older dudes 30+

although i don't consider myself a "older guy", i do admit being out of my 20's makes me feel a lot more grown. especially when trends like male jeggings (which i believe are really female jeggings in disguise), skinny jeans, and snapbacks are prevalent for men in their 20's. i do feel like i'm more seasoned. more grown. just more....but this ain't about me. cause if it were...i'd totally win. here are 5 situations to weigh the pros & cons..

#5: Baggage vs. Inexperience...

what you're looking for:  a carefree, spontaneous dude who'll drop everything and go off with you. everything is new to him. going to school, getting a job, buying a car, house. never been in love. never been married. may not have any children. full of hopes, dreams and potential.

the younger dude...

guys at this age...all they see is "sky's the limit". they feel like there is so much shit they can do. so many things to experience. they feel they're in their prime, it's time to do everything & everyone they possibly can. they have less things weighing them down. he's not afraid to take risk. he can be fun, exciting, a breath of fresh air. he can help you "stellas" get your groove back.  he'll tell you his "plan", all the things he wants to accomplish. all the things he wants to achieve. the future he wants with you. and all of that is cool...but the there are cons. due to him being young, that shit is subject to change, without notification. his views are usually skewed by his inexperience. he usually is working towards everything so at this point he doesn't have shit. this is partially the reason he can just drop shit and go here and there. his lack of expectations which were nice when he wasn't judging or moving too fast. will eventually get tiring because he's not trying to get serious no time soon. the fact that his eyes are wide open but he hasn't seen shit is a handicap. if you're past your "growing" stage. if you've gotten your shit together. then other than occasional excitement you'll grow tired of the inexperience. the plan he has is a blueprint, not a structure. he hasn't started actually building his dream. so be careful, just because ken puts you on the blueprint doesn't mean you'll make it into the dream house, barbie.

what you're looking for: a calculated, stable dude. a guy who is looking for more of a commitment. has been around and learned from his mistakes. you don't have to guess at what he'll do for a living, where he'll live, or his future..because he's there.



the older dude...

 
assuming this guy has got his shit together (and we are assuming that).  you're walking into a world that you don't have to guess. he knows what he wants, and has taken the steps to get there. he owns shit. he's ready to settle down and complete his plan...with you. he's sowed the wild oats. pulled his pants up. learned how to act in public. for you ladies who haven't quite gotten your shit together..he can offer you the security, guidance, and clarity you've been searching for. for you ladies who do have your shit together, he can offer you the things to compliment what you've already accomplished. he has learned from his mistakes and treats you like he has common sense. already sounds like he's won this category huh? there are some cons. because he's been around longer. he may have acquired some baggage. he may have kids, may have been married before, may have been hurt a time or two (trust issues). he may be too settled into his life, where he's not willing to accommodate you. he's already built his life..it's up to you to decide if you can fit into it.

#4: work ethic vs. grinding ...get money

what you're looking for: a guy who has his nose to the grindstone. out there making moves all day and all night. his ambition is attractive. he's out there doing it for you & him.

the younger dude...

are always on the grind. on the come up. out there hustling. in school trying to make it happen. has a goal they are trying to reach. work isn't work, it's a way to get to where he wants to be. admirable...right? the cons are usually when a guys is "on his grind" it's more about him. he's spending all his time to get to where "he" wants to be. and it usually doesn't quite include you, even if he says he's doing for both of y'all. trying to get to your dreams requires a bit of selfishness. you have to put your work first. you have to dedicate the time, energy, and your all. he's trying to make money not spend it, so he doesn't have the funds to take you out every night. his energy isn't wasted on a night on the couch watching movies w/ you. he hasn't quite figured out what he wants to do, so right now his grind might be pursuing a career that may not pan out. he hasn't finished school or been out of college long so he's not quite at career...right now he's at job. the difference being longevity and growth (career) vs. something that pays the bills (a job).

the older dude...

 

it's more about work ethic. older guys realize at a certain point in your life you have to be responsible. women are good with young guys being bums. they're young, dumb, and got room to grow. when you go over that "young & dumb" hurdle...but still want to exhibit those qualities women will put you on the "not on my level" list. it's not about grinding, it's about living. it's about having something to pay your bills & having extra to live. extra to take care of a family. extra to retire to. you have more shit..which means you have to do more shit to afford it. you can't live with your parent, not have a car (in places where transit isn't the primary transportation), not take a woman out..when you're a grown man. a woman expects more. so the cons..guys who have settled for jobs instead of careers. guys who have lost their ambition or drive because they failed at the dream. guys who have learned that women who "have their own"..will sometimes take care of you so you don't have to work.

#3: humping like rabbits vs. mr. long-slow-stroke..

what you're looking for: a guy who can go all day/ all night. can do it here, do it there, do it everywhere. probably in the best physical condition he'll ever be in.

the younger dude...

this is what his life is about. if you want to have sex in the morning. middle of the day. mid afternoon. early night. 3am. 4am. 5am. 6am...you get where i'm coming from? he's adventurous, he's yet to get arrested for public indecency so he'll have sex anywhere. you start talking and telling him "that feels good"...he'll start thinking he's doing something and start giving it to you the way you want. what are the cons?..the fact that he hasn't had a chance to hit & run. so you might be a victim of a sex-by (think drive by). so he's not looking to wife you after he gets some. he's not thinking, "that was so good, i want that for forever...". you ladies already know you can't trap a young dude with your hypnotic hip sways. you may get him caught up for a while..but he'll eventually start thinking he's missing out on all the women who want to have sex with him (cause every guy thinks at least 100 women want to have sex wit him). younger guys also tend to worry more about getting theirs then you getting yours. they are a little quick on the draw. and take less time trying to please you because y'all will be having sex in 30 more minutes...so guess you can have one then. and if you don't...oh well. there is also a flip side..some young dudes get so caught up he'll be asking you to marry him after y'all do it for the first time. which tends to be a turn off for you ladies. y'all tend not to trust what men say right after sex.

what you're looking for: a guy to handle you with care and expertise. one that gives it to you one good time and totally makes you forget where you put your keys, your purse, or parked your car.

the older dude...

 

is more experienced. not talking "number wise". but it's more about pleasing you and enjoying the act. he's learned it's much more enjoyable when he's getting the reaction he wants out of you. he's in no hurry. he'll be much more patient. not to say he doesn't like sex or want it as much as younger dudes. but he's gotten that "i wish i could fuck every girl in the world" out of his system. it's not about the number of times he breaks you off. he doesn't need motivation. you don't have to say a word...he'll give you a stroke you never felt before and one young dudes haven't quite perfected yet. there are however cons...one of the biggest being "lift off" assistance (yanno that blue pill..). also he may not be willing to adhere to suggestions or switch up the way he lays it down. 

#2: love you for life vs. puppy love...

what you're looking for: a guy who's trying to enjoy the moment. not get too serious. a guy who is fresh into "what love is" so it's all new and shit to him.

the younger dude...

he just wants to have a good time. he may be fresh out of his longest relationship to date...his high school sweetheart. he's in college, see a plethora of  women in all different shapes, sizes, & shades. see something you don't know about guys + college = buffet line of women. in high school there was always those chicks every dude thought was the "finest" then there were the "she's cool" chicks to date chicks. then the "oh-oh spaghetti o's" chicks. but in college you see the metamorphosis of all of these ladies. you see them after that last summer when they've decided to go into college different than high school. so the fine chicks, are still fine. the "she's cool" chicks have become the "fine" chicks. and the "spaghetti-o" chicks have totally done some extreme makeover and you wouldn't recognize their ass on america's most wanted from their high school picture. so at this moment dudes are in heaven. they'll get a chick and fall head over heels for them. they will want to marry you after the first 2 weeks. they'll meet you after class. walk you to your dorm. do all that sweet shit....till the see that next chick who totally blows their mind. they are too young to have to go have a seat with their plate. even if they sit down at the table for a week, month, year...they are going to look at that buffet line and their stomach is going to start growling. again....this isn't all dudes. but, "there are too many women for me to be settling down right now" goes through all men's head. puppy love is real love. but puppy love isn't lasting love. beware of a young guy who fills his plate of nothing but you...but is eating that shit fast like a m-fucker..

what you're looking for: a guy who is ready to settle down, already been around the block, knows what he's looking for & is ready to put a ring on it.



the older dude...

as a guy gets older so does the meaningless relationships. don't get me wrong, being older doesn't equate to be mature in your wants. there are plenty of guys who just as immature as they were in their 20's. but for the majority of guys after a certain point in life you want more. you get lonely. not to mention chicks around your age start wanting more out of you. so to continue dating chicks your age or older you have to step the fuck up and be the man they want you to be. meaning you settle down. you stop chasing ass. you finally make that chick your wife. an older man in this sense is a more mature man. he's one that is offering more with his promises. he's had that puppy love and realizes what that is vs. real love. but again there are cons...an older guy may not be in a rush to get married either. especially if he's already be down that road. he may have tons of issues that he has to tackle before he's ready to settle down with you. he may not even be looking for a long term relationship, ever again. these guys will pretty much make it obvious though. an older dude is gonna pretty much have the same attitude he had when you met him.


#2: what's important to him...

(i can't do a "what you're looking for" for this category because this isn't about you. it's about him)

the younger dude...

snapbacks. jordans. g-shock watches. a chick who'll "hold him down" through all this foolishness. a chick who'll "respect his hustle" whether it's illegal, attainable, or a waste of time. a woman who will wait for him and grow with him. i started off with the cons because as a young person, not just a young man. you have not even begun to understand the importance in/of life. yes, i'm saying young dudes are under 30 in this example. and a guy who is 27, 28, 29...aren't completely lost in life. i'm not saying that maturity starts with an additional decade. i'm just saying for the most part guys under 30 have a lot of living to do. a lot of discovering to do. a 30 y/o is a "young dude" to a 40 y/o. there is always going to be a gap in experience. you're naturally going to know more whether you apply it to your life or not. being young isn't a bad thing. it's a process. and just like when you think of a 13 y/o boy who's life consist of video games, hanging out with his friends, and JUST starting to notice girls. you can say..."he has no idea what life is..". and at 21, you'll looking at how you used to be like..."damn". at 30, you'll do the same. of all these examples the cons with a young dude are due to learning curves. they approach life this way because they are just starting to figure out what life is. and if you can understand and be accepting of that then you are ready to date a younger guy. the problem with women who date younger guys then complain...you are expecting them to be something they aren't ready to be. you have to walk into a relationship with expectations. but if your bar is set too high, you have to know that you're are putting unrealistic expectations on a person who you should know isn't capable of living up to it. this isn't for young ladies who are dating young guys. because young ladies are still growing too. this is for you more seasoned ladies who lower your expectations and try to change or guide these dudes. if you walk into a relationship lowering your expectations you already know you're on the losing end.

the older dude...

with experience comes improvement. being able to appreciate a woman takes time. knowing and recognizing qualities that you want takes growth. as a young guy, a woman buying you some jordans means she's really into you. spending a couple hundred on some shoes. as an older guy you can find that, "she's really into me" in other things she does. like cooking a meal for you. always answering when you call her. supporting you. being there, even when you aren't giving her everything she needs. yes, older dudes have tons of cons. but it's not the same guesswork as it is with younger dudes. if a guy is over 30, with nothing tangible you can pretty much bet the bank that he's on that "ain't shit" train. even if he's about to get off or one stop away. you can tell by his life what he has to offer you at that point. guys under 30, have time...unfair advantage. but it was the same advantage you had when you were under 30. so in a sense you know what you're getting. if he's still a work in progress, you KNOW he is. you ladies who cut guys slack in the "get your life together' department only aid in them not doing so. i'm not saying by 30, you're life should be solid, stable, and clear. i'm saying by 30, there should be a mapped out plan &  a solid course of action. ladies you should date an older man if his maturity matches his age. if you're going to get with a dude who acts 22, then just date a dude that's 22. 

i want to matter...in your world

i wake up and think of you. you're on my mind throughout the day. i go to sleep & pray for you. you matter...to me, in my world. but do i matter to you, in your world?

in the story of your life, am i a co-star,  guest star, or just an extra. when you plan for your future, does it include me? or do i fade away like the other people in your past. the other people who no longer matter. . .

it's not my insecurities that fuel these questions..it's my fear that at any moment i could stop existing in your world. i could stop meaning what i think i mean to you. i could stop being all you need, all you want, stop being enough...to you. it has nothing to do with how i treat you. nothing to do with how much i love you. nothing to do with how you felt yesterday or even today...if you don't feel it tomorrow. game over. i lose. #fail.com. and the lack of control over your feelings terrorize me. i just want to matter. to mean something. to enhance your world, your life, your "moments". i want you to miss me. to want me. to....need me, all of the times..most of the times, or at least sometimes.