all your girl-friends are excited and happy for you. y'all fist bumping, pumping and dapping. you come home and you man is looking at you like you just walked out a cartoon with a cat on your head.
manfive friday #68 topic of the week: 5 reasons why men aren't impressed by your natural hair journey.
now i touched on this subject once before. it was more of a rant and more of my personal feelings towards the subject. i got the idea for this manfive from a tweetversation i had the other day with my girl @naturally1908. she has a natural hair blog, and she was saying how this guy just came through being all rude & disrespectful. and i agree the things he said were both rude & disrespectful. but i don't think you ladies get how men honestly feel about your natural hair. i mean there are a lot of ignorant guys out there. saying, "i prefer weaves.." is stupid. but there are a few reasons why men don't like your natural hair..wanna hear the reasons? let's go....
#5: you don't consult us
yea it's your hair. and yes, it's your decision what you do to it. but about 95% of you women who choose to go natural, do so without asking your dude if that's something he's cool with. you ask your girl-friends. they all know like months, weeks, days before you make your final decision. when does he find out? when y'all about to go out and your hair pulled back in a bun or ponytail. and he's looking like, "aren't you gonna do your hair" and you announce it's as done as it's gonna get cause you're going natural. now i know what y'all are thinking, "why does it matter if he likes it or not..?"
imagine i decide i'm gonna shave a line down the middle of my head. just a all over part. about 4 inches wide. and i just show up to pick you up and that's what's going on with my head. and i tell you, "well it's my hair..and i've decided to wear it like this..". yea, ok. i'm waiting for the 4 liars that are gonna comment and say you wouldn't mind that shit. it's not about permission, it's about input. you care what your girls think, why not give us the option to discuss it first? not like we gonna go in depth and shit. just mention it. "i'm thinking about going natural". we'll probably be like, "ok". that's it. but at least it's a warning.
#4: the reasons....
"the reasons that here, the reasons that we fear our feelings won't disappear...ooh and, after the hair game has been played, all our illusions are just are a parade, and all our reasons start to fade..." -earth wind & fire/unpretentious narcissist remix of "reasons"women state they are going natural for a million reasons. but more times then not, i call bullshit. don't get me wrong, i truly believe there are women who go natural for the betterment of their hair. some of y'all do it to protect it from the harsh chemicals, the heat, or to make a statement. but a lot of y'all, are just going with the trend. y'all the same one's talking shit about chicks with natural hair 2 months ago, now y'all transitioning. so yea, we looking at your weave wearing, just got a perm 3 months ago, all your friends are natural now you want to be ass like..."yea, ok". if your reasons don't match up to this sudden urge, *jay-z voice* "we don't believe you, you need more people".
#3: we have no idea what you mean by natural hair..or we just don't care..
a lot of times, you women think we are more in-tuned with what is going on in your world. meaning we know what's hot in the streets for ladies now a days. you might walk in talking about you going natural, and he may think you're talking about wearing beige or tan clothes. you may mention it while y'all about to get into it, and he think you talking about shaving your lady hair.
a lot of guys don't understand or realize what you mean by natural hair. a lot of you ladies already have natural hair and we don't even know it. a lot of y'all are straightening your hair. or wearing it short, and it's not what we "think" of when we "think" of natural hair. so yea, shit that we don't know/understand about..we tend not to like.
you being on your periods = we don't like
you going out with your girls all the time = we don't like
why y'all can't cook & clean for us naked = we don't like
see how that works? if we don't quite get the gist of it...we don't like it.
#2: your choice of natural hair style..
natural hair styles are not universal. just like everyone can't rock a electric blue wig. or blond weave. or a bald head. what makes you think the style your home girl has is gonna look good on you. i think this is one of the main reasons why men don't like natural hair. i won't say natural hair isn't for everyone. i'll just say that certain styles aren't for everyone. not every chick was made to rock an afro. or twist. or dreads. or a fade. some women look amazing with short hair. some chicks look like dudes. please, choose wisely. please consult an expert. please see other chicks with your same facial features. cause once you chop it and make that commitment, both of us got to live with it. so don't think ill of me, if i sleep with your chopped hair in a satin pillowcase under my pillow, you're the one who left it on the floor at the beauty shop.
#1: it becomes your life..
men don't hate natural hair..we hate YOU with natural hair! because you get obsessed over it like a sports team. like.."see my hair, yesterday 1/4 of it was curly..now 3/4 is curly..". um ok, it looks exactly the same as it did yesterday. in fact it looks exactly the same as it did 2 months ago. in fact..i'm forgetting exactly what your hair looked like before, but for some reason i remember it looking like...it does right now.
i admit maybe natural hair is a chick thing. even though most of us men have had natural hair a lot longer than you. you don't hi-five us and tell us how great our hair looks. in fact most times, you want us to cut it. cause yanno...most of y'all hate us "curly headed hoes" (what i've been affectionately nicknamed). but that's neither here or there.
what i want you ladies to understand, it's not really personal. we're not trying to rain on your parade. if your proud & happy..i'm happy for you. if you like it, i like it. well that may not be true. lol.....but if you're happy with it, then more power to you. just know when you're going through your natural hair journey..either allow/help us to pack a bag to go along with you or deal with our negativity of being dragged along for the ride.
18 comments:
every dude i've dated, been with, or bang banged has complimented me for having natural, real hair.
it could just be b/c they can run their fingers thru it or pull it during sex & getting busy in the shower isn't a problem.
& #5 is some BULL.SHIT. wtf? i wish i would EVER consult a nigga about a personal style choice. if it's that much of a problem PLEASE get the fuck on. i'm not finna be up here checkin w/a dude on what hairstyles i'm allowed to have. fuck. all. of. that.
that's the most superficial shit ever. if you not feelin me cuz i change my hair PLEASE get the fuck on.
as for your example, i highly doubt i would be a fan of a random 4 inch line of baldness on my dude's scalp. but that shit in & of itself ain't gon stop me from loving, fucking, or caring about you.
I agree with @Lovely on number 5. Just like yall have MANLAWS this is a depletion of womanhood to "consult her man" before making a hair choice or any choice at that. "Babe can I wear this? can I do this?" (the hell I look like) Do men consult women about where they go to watch a game or what kind of fade they get? Hell no.
Ok. so futher on...I think this is funny. I think it's also hilarious that men really don't know what natural hair is. It's not always bald or kinky like you said, it's just however the hair grows. I have curly hair, which is now short, never permed that's just my natural texture. We have so many possible textures that going natural is a misconception for both men and women.
I love your manfive Fridays. It makes me want to be your female voice correspondent. lol
Didn't you already do a post ranting about natural hair? *checking your archives* LOL
I respect other views on natural and hair. Everyone doesn't have to be excited about it but I don't think posting rude comments (not just the 'consult your man' crap) on a NATURAL HAIR blog, is the place to express them. Vent on your own site and not mine. That's all I ask.
With that said, to each his own. Maybe I should do a womanfive friday about men and lack of hygiene....LOL Thanks for listening to me vent the other day though.
I feel you on this.
And for the first two who commented, it's not about "consulting". If you want to always look good for your man, ask for his opinion/input on any 'drastic' changes you wanna make to your appearance. Trust me, when it comes to fashion, men may not be into it like females are, but they do see you all the time and KNOWS what looks good on you, and will tell you (if he's the type who's opinionated and blunt). Men check females out all the time and judge us on our appearance. I mean, that is why he approached you in the first place. They like to act like they don't care, but in all reality they do deep down inside.
But hey, this is just my two cents #shrug
Well I have done everything but put weave in my hair. Right now my hair is natural but I wear wigs. I can also flat iron and be straight. So hey, I can be versatile for my fella (when I get one lol). But when I do wear my natural hair out, dudes look baffled. They don't get it most times and its sad. Now as for the part about letting my man know or asking his opinion, hey I see no real harm in that. I will do what I want anyway. I don't think the author was trying to say get your man's PERMISSION necessarily. I think he said just to let him know? As for the man hair cuts, oooh the older men they get the worse they get on that. They become straight stubborn mules. You don't hear men talking about their hair styles or changing. Why? Because they keep the same damn style FOREVER!!!! No matter how 90s it looks or if you have outgrown it. So dudes are almost annoying with their hair as a female to me. At least women are more open to changing it up and going natural...even if it is just a fad or trend.
I've gotten more "warning" emails, gchat messages, & dms than I ever have for any topic. I had to break from my night of fuckery to see what I did to offend. First of all, I never said permission. In fact I specifically said "it's not about permission, it's about input". Like piph & eyes on the prize said. It's more about letting him know what you are considering doing & seeing how he feels about it. After all it's your hair, but he also has to look at it too. It's more courtesy than anything else. I hate being left out on something that will eventually effect me.
Not saying a guy should flip out & not like you cause of your hair. Just saying sometimes you do have to take in consideration what other people liked about you. If I loved to run my hands through your long straight hair, you are now taking away something I liked about you. And if you do so without even asking how I felt, it could lead to me not appreciating or liking your new style. Again the topic was.."why men may not like or be impressed by your natural hair journey" not why men should love it. This also isn't exclusively my personal opinion, this is what I hear a lot of guys complain about. At the end of the day..none of the issues were actually about the hair. It's moreso your actions when it comes to it.
I'll reply more personally when I'm less distracted.
Ok. Being honest... Dare I say it... I beleive in consulting my guy before making a big change in look. I have my type. I like what I like. And I wouldn't appreciate if he made a change that went totally against what I'm attracted to. Not saying that his opinion is the end all be all. But it should count. (as I duck the stones being thrown). We can always experiment with different styles. See what he likes too, I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
I tried that natural thing, I cant hang. I am not disciplined enough and with me things are about appearance so not having a perm is not an option, but my twin has been doing it for over a year now and she loves it. She can keep that for the both of us.
I didn't mean to sound so abrasive lol, it wasn't towards you, just a reaction to the sentiment.
i just honestly think that's bull. if we are TOGETHER then i think aesthetic choices shouldn't be that big of a deal. if i had to go thru chemo & lost all my hair, i'm sure that'd be unattractive, but other things should matter at that point.
therefore a simple change in style should be a whole lot easier to take, even if you don't like it at 1st. a dude getting fat or skinny might not be my preference either, but unless you are dying skinny or so obese that it affects other factors in your life, all i'ma do is support you if you attempt to lose weight.
and if we're NOT together, or it's a less than serious relationship, then there's not too much of a fuck i'm gonna give if my change in appearance makes me less attractive to you.
You know how I feel about all this already lol.
#5 is correct if you ask me. If I were gonna change my entire look i'd ask my dude how he felt about it. I'd definately want to know how he honestly felt. If he told me " i'd hate for you to chop all your hair off" i'd truly consider his feelings 1st. but maybe that's just me.
natural hair aint for everybody. lemme tell you.
i have what black folk would call "good hair" & it grows pretty long too....but truthfully i'd rather a head full of 18inch indiremi to my own hair any day. idk.
me personally, i admire the whole "natural hair" movement but i resent the "better than thou" attitude i get when naturalites get word of my preference to rock a weave or a perm, especially when my hair grows to about 14 inches & is just as silky as the milky way! its my hair, and your hair do as you please with it, but your natural hair style doesn't separate you from any of us permed and weaved gals. your just as black as the rest of us.
I only didn't because I got lazy & didn't want to comb my hair every morning.
*moves on*
@lovely: i get what you're saying. and i know you weren't coming all violent with it. lol. i wasn't suggesting you ask permission like you can only do it if he agrees. but it would be nice to at least take into consideration things he likes as well. and i agree if it's not a serious relationship or you just started talking to dude..then why consult him? but speaking from experience..if you tell a chick you like her hair. and then she goes and does something completely different and drastic to it...that's on her.
@.chymere. it's not a depletion of womanhood tho. consulting is the same thing you do before you do anything drastic. before you knock out a wall in your house to add on..you ask somebody. changing your hair drastically is not like painting your fingernails. if i don't like the pink polish..ok. you could change it back in 2 minutes. if i don't like your hair..and you've made a commitment with yourself to do it that way, it's not about changing back. it's unfair of me to tell you what to do with your hair. but its unfair for you to change something about yourself that effects me as well without at least running it by me.
and thank you. and feel free to be my female correspondant? i'm always open to advice.
@monique: i did already rant & rave. i said i did. and i agree, like i said what dude said was rude & uncalled for on your blog. and i agree with you. go head do a womanfive, i'm ready for it..lol
@piph: thanks for coming to my rescue. lol. this is exactly what i meant when writing #5. women take for granted sometimes that we are just human. we don't adapt to shit right away. all the ladies balking at "consulting" would be totally offended walking in a house w/ a new style and dude getting a screw face. all i'm saying is..maybe you wouldn't get the screw face if you just prepared him in advance. not suggesting you don't do it..just suggesting you understand it's a change. one that you are choosing on your own that will eventually involve him.
@eyes on the prize: thanks for the "save" too. i'm not saying don't do it. i've been with women with natural hair. most of the women i know are natural, in the regards that they don't perm their hair. my ex wife was natural. she experimented with EVERY style in the world. i mean shit..she even had dreads for like a day or so. the thing about her was..she asked me. trust me i wasn't looking forward to the style changes..but at least i knew they were going to happen. and what to expect. and she was the kind of woman who if it didn't look right, she'd admit it and move on. some of you ladies won't admit it and will keep some shit that looks like shit, and expect everyone to go along with it...lol..i'm saying.
and dudes don't keep the same styles from the 90's. maybe once they get over 40. but truthfully would chicks be on trey songz if he still had cornrows? nothing wrong with switching up styles and going along with fads (the cutting cornrow fad..luda, trey, lloyd, omarion..etc). but trust if they went from cornrows to kid & play high top fade..you'd be like ugh..
@dianaboss: thank you, thank you, thank you...all i was saying. exactly what i meant. thank you. lol
@xxxx: and thank you for being honest. i hate women can't just say.."natural, isn't for me". i don't have a problem if your natural or permed. i don't judge you or think you're an awful person. my thing about natural hair addicts are once they go natural they get a "natural hair attitude". and THIS IS NOT everyone. this is a select few..and yall know i'm telling the truth. who think you should be thrown to the wolves for doing anything, "unnatural" to your hair. to each their own. do what you like, and what looks nice on/for you. cause at the end of the day...that's all it's about for me. i just want it to look nice. if you have a fucked up head regardless of your style choice i'm not really trying to see that on a daily basis. just saying.
@lovely: if yall ain't dating like that, the fuck you care what he think? #5 is directed at women who are in a relationship w/ someone that they are interested in and it's not about physical appearance. it's the fact that you're making a commitment. if your hair (like in your case) is already natural..then i already knew that before getting with you. but if you want to go from those sexy curly locks to a complete buck ass naked bald head...then i think you could at least be like, "hey baby..what would you think if i cut all my hair off.." cause seriously if you just come home bald...i'ma be looking like you some dude trying to break in my house. lol
@luvlymskrissy: of course i know how you feel about this already. smh...all up in my gchat like a buglar
@*stacie-ann: thank you for that. cause that's what i always tell people. the chicks in my famly, other chick's i've dealt with have had pretty natural hair. but they choose to get it straighten. choose to wear weaves, wigs..etc.. it's your hair regardless. if you can celebrate it being natural, you can celebrate it being any kinda way. that's my point.
@mel: be quiet..lol.
Nice blog...and funny at times.. I'm natural and I get sick of it so I know dudes have to. When I 1st did this it was all I could talk about it got to a point when I got sick of hearing myself talk about it lol... And women who go natural do tend to go a little crazy.. I always want to scram 'It's just hair yall... move on' I also agree that its a conversation that needs to take place with ya man before this is done..if my guy loved my long hair I would have just let my perm grow out rather than cutting it...like you said there are some things (styles) that he could do that would make me take a step back.. Also I think that some ppl be puttin on and that this natural thing is more about trend to most naturals than hair care
"It's not about permission, it's about input."
I agree with you 100%, man. When my wife wears her human hair wigs, she doesn't ask for consent to wear them. She just solicits opinion on which style fits the event or her dress. That's what I like about her, about our relationship. Both our words count. Keep it up!
At first when I starting reading the "consulting" paragraph I was like WTF, but I continued to read & I understand what you are saying. I can see if she was chopping her hair off & going natural that would need to be a topic of discussion. But I grew my relaxer out & it wasn't a drastic change so no consulting was needed. I love a mans input but I'm going to do what I want with my hair regardless.
I feel you on women becoming obsessed! HAHAHA it so true, my friends never stop talking about it, its so annoying to me & I'm natural! This post is just funny because I can understand why men are annoyed when their girlfriends go natural. And some women do it for the wrong reasons, when I went natural (3 yrs ago) I didn't even tell anyone unless they asked. It shouldn't be a hair trend (even though its a good on), although its a very wise decision.
Great Post!
laneewrites.blogspot.com
@pamieka adams: thanks. and i agree that it's become a trend and not so much about acutal "healthy hair care".
@earl flournoy: thank you man. all i'm saying is at least let her act like she care what i think. it doesn't have to influence one way or another.
@poppy: so you were ready to jump down my throat too? lol. and like i said over and over again. i know a woman is going to do what she wants. i'm going to ultimately do what i want. but i do take into consideration what my girl likes or don't likes. and before i go wearing a afro in the front, shaved in the back w/ rhinestones and coconut glued to the sides..i'm gonna make sure that's ok with her.
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