i'm ready...

i'm back..sorry for the long hiatus, but i just wasn't blog ready. it's no secret most of my blog was dedicated to my then girlfriend. who i am no longer with...

which led to a lot of sad post. a lot of negative feelings. all that i kept to myself. trust me i have probably a hundred post i didn't post. i didn't want to contradict myself build up this great person i was so in love with then tear her down. and trust me, it would have been easy to slander & one side my relationship on MY blog. but that's not what this blog was about, not what i'm about. yes, there is tons of love lost..tons of hurt and angry feelings left. but i'm not the kinda dude who'd do that, not to someone I honestly loved. not to mention I know she reads & expected me to play to my readers.

moving on, which is something i've been working on. something i wanted to do for myself, which is why I refused to date or even think about anyone else..till someone i really liked & really felt a connection with breathed life back into me. i'm still trying to figure that one out. leaving me again questioning love, questioning myself, wondering if it's me...

maybe i'm too nice, maybe i'm just lame. maybe love is just an idea i'm in love with. something i will just chase, hold for a second, then lose it all over again. i sound so jaded right now don't i? like classic "who hurt you" mode. the thing about being hurt so many times, it numbs you. i'm starting to regret being a nice guy. i simply don't see the benefit to me that is..

you can only give so much of yourself. only have these strong feelings for so long. i just feel like i'm never going to be appreciated for being me. no one will ever just understand i love like i do, because i want that back. tired of settling for selfish women. tired of being blamed or penalized because i know what love is, how it's supposed to feel for ME. i'm ready to stop being a doormat. stop being the guy you use and mistreat. and i no longer want to apologize for loving someone again. if you can't deal with a real man loving, respecting, and wanting more with you...i don't need you in my life.

i'm ready, for more.

i am thankful challenge...day#21

day#21: i am thankful for fajitas...

ok, so i couldn't go all coon and say CHICKEN. but God knows anything chicken it alright with me.

i am a sucker for chicken, onions and peppers. i could eat it everyday. all day. the combination is heavenly. on rice, in a tortilla, fresh out a skillet. there is a reason why i'm mayor at my local mexican restaurant. someone says fajitas and i'm paying. it's one of those i could be laying in the bed and you call me at midnight and ask me if i want to tag along and i'm up in out in a few. it's also the way to my heart ladies. you wanna win you a life size teddy bear fix some fajitas. before you can get the chicken in the skillet i'll be at your place fixing shit. fix some chicken & shrimp fajitas......i will marry you. lol

i am thankful challenge...day#20

day#20: i am thankful for..music.

this is too easy. so easy i won't even bore you with a "why i love music" rant.

i am thankful for music because it's what drives my life. it's what i do. it's how i live. it's in my blood.

i am thankful that i was blessed with music as a natural talent. i'm glad it's "my thing".

i am thankful challenge...day#19

day#19: i am thankful for...something given to me by a loved one. 

no it's nothing naughty. it's nothing over the top. it's a gift my parents gave me when i was a little kid. something that if we left the house without, we had to turn around. something that i couldn't go to sleep without. something i couldn't breathe...without (yes it was that serious). it was my security blanket, but wasn't a blanket. it's something i will not reveal on here. and you have to have known me from childhood, heard the story from my mom or grandmother, or one of the very few people i've confided in with this classified information. i'll say this tho..i still have it. it may not be intact. it may not be recognizable. but i still have it. and if you ever guess what it is. or get around my parents and tell them i have it, i will deny you like you're crazy. 

but trust me. i was thankful when i received it. and i'm thankful that i still have it. 

i am thankful challenge...day#18

day#18: i am thankful for giving love to others....

I had tons of things that came to mind when i read today's topic. i thought about my son. i thought about my heart. i thought about personal gifts. i decided to just go with love, because it kind of summed it all up.

not to go on a love rant, like usual...all i'm going to say is i'm thankful i'm able to give love. openly & freely. i tell my parents i love them, my family & my friends. that to me is one of the best gifts you can give anyone. it's essentially the reason we're here, to love one another.

i am thankful challenge...day#17

day#17: i am thankful for something materialistic...


life isn't about riches. it's not about how much you have or what you can buy. life is about living. but in a world where money is held above most things, its always nice to have it.

i am thankful not for the riches, but for the ability to take care of my son & my responsibilities. i live a humble life. a lot of my friends refer to me as Jason Pitts from the tv show " the Game". because unlike a lot of people in my position i don't spend money unwisely. my parents taught me growing up that money doesn't make the man, but it's important to have.

so i make money, i get things here & there but i don't go overboard. that's what separates you from the greedy. to truly be thankful is to acknowledge that you've been blessed and to act responsible with that blessing.  God gives you riches to enrich your life, not to sway you from the path of righteousness. it's okay to prosper as long as you don't lose yourself in the process.

i am thankful challenge...#16

day#16: i am thankful for...health

i was never one for the gym. still can't manage to eat good. no where close to the body i used to have. unsure of what my physical condition may be in a few years, months, or even tomorrow. but i'm breathing. i'm here another day for my son, my parents, anyone else who loves me. so i have to be thankful for that. i have to be thankful that i can see the world. breathe the air. hear the noise. go for a run. wrestle with my son. just live. i'm healthy enough to wake up, walk out my house and enjoy my life.That's God.

i'm about a new me, health wise. i had a few setbacks as far as my MS is concerned. but it's made me focus more on the things i should have been doing. i should have been working out. not that i suddenly like it. but i know it's something i need to do. i went from having one strength training session a week to two, to working out 5 days a week. if i could avoid the cupcakes, sweets, & liquor i'd think i'd be good. but...one step at a time huh?

i'm saying any of you ladies wanna cook me a nutritious home cooked meal 1 day out the week? i just need 7 of you to commit. lol.

i am thankful challenge...#day15

day#15: i am thankful for..spirit

i'm low profile, i'm not on instagram with my line jacket on over a decade after the fact. i don't have the license plate covers or decals on my car. other than the black & gold air fresheners in my car. or the fact that i rock black & gold hats, shoes, shirts, bow ties, etc..you'd probably never guess, i'm part of the oldest & the coldest black fraternity around.

when i was in school we literally went ape. we were about that fraternity life. but as i got older, graduated, i never wanted to be one of those old guys who walks around like he just got off probate. not to bash anyone who does do that, i'm just saying. just because i don't do that doesn't mean i don't represent. i'm still ice cold to the core. i'll tell you in a second if you try to insult me by insinuating i'd pledge anything else. what i took from my experience is spirit. i'm thankful for the spirit of belonging to an organization that stands for brotherhood, excellence, & strength. that's what i take with me. that's what i share with other's. AΦA.

i am thankful challenge...day#14

day#14: i am thankful for my mind...

a mind is a terrible thing to waste. and an easy thing to take for granted. about 5 years ago i started suffering with symptoms which i later found to be the onset of my MS. i woke up one day and noticed a glare in one of my eyes. as the day progressed the glare got blurrier and blurrier until i found it hard to even see out of that eye. two days later i was blind in my left eye. which i immediately went to a neurologist, got on steroids, and regained my vision in that eye within a few weeks.

great, huh? that's what i thought until i started getting these mind numbing migraines. pain so bad it makes you nauseous. you feel like you're going to pass out. and you can literally hear the pounding in your head as if you were standing in front of a gong all day long. so i went back to the neurologist and got put on a migraine medication. i started taking it and my headaches slowed down...but i started noticing little things. one thing, i couldn't look at people at all. like if i caught eye contact with someone i felt like i was jumping in their mouth. my mind was racing 8000 miles a second. i felt off, i felt weird....i felt out of control.

i kept telling people..something isn't right. but everyone kept telling me if i didn't take it i'd continue to have the migraines. the medication had me depressed, so depressed i didn't even want to get up. everything made me upset to the point where i was either very angry or i just started crying. it had me so spaced out, i literally lost track of time. someone could start talking to me and i wouldn't hear a word they were saying. it got so bad, i just avoided conversations. it was like i was there, but i wasn't really there. like i was standing outside of my body watching "me", thinking "what the fuck is going on?". and no one believed me when i said "this medicine is making me feel weird". then one day....

i just stopped taking it.

it was like all of the animals that i saw chilling in my living room, ran back into the forest. everything was right in the world, almost instantly. i was me again. i had found my mind. it wasn't until that experience that i knew what it felt like to not have control of your thoughts. to literally be in a walking coma. i am thankful that i had sense enough to know that something wasn't right. i am thankful for my sanity. and i now know that medication side effects are no joke. trust me, i read all the fine print. i document any changes in behavior, or symptoms i may feel. i won't ever let nothing like that happen to me again. i love my mind. i lost it once, but after i found it...i promised i'd never let it leave again.

i am thankful challenge...day#13

day#13: i am thankful for heart

i'm a kindhearted guy. who gets taken advantage of a lot. it's hard being the good guy. especially when everyone's always rooting for the bad guy.

but i continue to live my life and stand by principles i believe. i'm not a quitter  deserter, or coward. i'm not afraid to be myself. i'm not afraid to live life. i'm not afraid to go against the grain. paint outside the lines. be different.

i'm different.

that's what makes me, me. i lead with my heart, not my fears. i do not hide my feelings or behind my words. i say what i mean, and i mean what i say. character says a lot about a person. who they are, what they mean, and how they treat others. i strive to be a man of great character and a man of great heart.