i did it....

"we did it...we did it....we did it HOORAY" - dora the explorer & boots

excuse the dora the explorer quote. i have a 4 year old..lol

but i did it. i finished October's blog a day challenge. me. all by myself. all yall folks chickened out. even the person who challenged me....not saying no names. *cough* ms.ex kisser *cough*..."yanno who you are".

but i did. so excuse me for the past few days. yanno after i finish a challenge i be looking at my blog like..."errrr....do i have to post". lol. but i'm not going no where. just didn't want to not acknowledge i DID it. i did it. hooray!

challenge. over.

make me want you...

yea. yea. yea. i want you for you. i love you for you. but sometimes, i want you to make me want you...in "that" way. yanno "that" way.

i want you to shave all those places. make it nice and smooth for me. so my fingers can glide uninterrupted to all those areas. feeling your soft slopes, crevices, openings..

i want you to let your hair down. whip it around. go head. let me watch you...i know it's not an everyday pass, but today let me play in your hair. run my fingers through it, caress it, brush it behind your ear, away from your face....pull it. i don't care if it's permed, natural, yours, or paid for...let me touch it.

let me touch you. smell you. you always smell so good, but today i want you to spray that sweet scent you're always wearing in different spots and let me search and sniff them out. i bet you i find every spot. maybe even some you didn't even spray. i can't help it, i don't play by the rules. so punish me.

tease me. make me watch you take off your clothes. s - l - o - w. yanno you have me captivated, because my eyes follow you like an eye exam. examining every inch of exposed skin, till all you're wearing is a smile. my smile, your smile..either is fine with me. put on that secret in the closet. some say it's victoria's secret, but i ain't never see no chick name victoria look as sexy as you do right now. so i'ma say it's your secret..so come whisper it to me. whisper in my ear, you want me. whisper you love me. whisper, "grrrr". just say that sexy shit and follow it with your lips on my neck, hands on my chest, body on my body.

i wanna look in your eyes while you kiss me. i love how beautiful you are naturally. but i do appreciate how sexy you look in your make up. your eyes are intoxicating. i literally get lost between blinks. trying to focus on your pretty eyes, while you bite your lower lip. playing tug a war with them as we exchange kisses, like we've never kissed before. give it back. yanno...my breath. cause you take it away every time you lips come into contact with mine. if you can't tell by now...i want you. i want you like i've never wanted anyone else before.

caress my face. wrap your arms around my neck. show me you want me too. that you like my hands on you. my lips on you. my *ahem* against you. undress me. touch me. show me you like it. you want it. you need it. let's explore together. all naked everything. let me remove that sexy piece of lace between us, so there are no more secrets. no more barriers. nothing stopping us. i do want you to make me me want you...but i must admit.

i already do.

[october challenge: day#31]

men don't take baths..

there are two reasons a man can be in a bathtub.

• he needs to soak an injury
• he's having sex in the tub

if you walk in the bathroom and your dude is just sitting in the tub like this...run. in what world do men sit in the bathtub and "relax"?..

i have dust on my bathtub. like seriously it never gets used. the only person who takes a bath in my house is my son. he's four.

taking baths, like wearing dresses are for women. don't let your man practice unmanly behaviors. don't let him toss around in your bath salts. lay on the tub pillow. lounge in a tub of suds. that ain't sexy.

men are dirty. dirty, dirty dirty. at the end of the day who wants to be sitting in a stew of their entire day? who wants to watch the dirt leave their body and just float around them like they're in a swamp? only way it's allowed is if the lights are dimmed. candles are lit and there is a woman on top of you. you're not actually supposed to get clean in a tub.

if he ain't in there with epsom salt. or with you...tell him to man up. tell him to get some body wash, an axe scrubber and clean his balls like a man. not boil them in hot water like a punk.

[october challenge: day#30]

mr. nice guy

heard you've been looking for me? allow me to introduce myself. i'm mr. nice guy.

i'm a hot commodity. i'm an endangered species. i'm a dream come true.

but you're not ready for me.


right now you're into "him". and it's unfair i have to wait. it's unfair i'll be jilted, mistreated, and looked over until you realize that "he" is not what you need. he's never been what you needed.

he never paid you any attention. never opened any doors. never opened his wallet. never said, "i love you" first. you weren't the first thought on his mind, second or third for that matter. the entire time you were with him, he wouldn't commit to you. wouldn't give you a title. he made you cry. left you alone wondering who he was with. he wasn't with foreplay. pleasing you was a perk, not his goal. he didn't look at you and say everything you needed him to with his eyes. his touch wasn't sincere. his dreams weren't inclusive. he wasn't your friend. yet in still...you want him. you gave him your heart. you gave him your body. you gave him your all. even though he never appreciated it.

yet, my mission is to love you from the start. all the things he wouldn't do, i'd do. all the words he couldn't say, i'd say. i'd listen. i would show you with my words & my actions what a man should be. what kind of man you should want. yet..


you just need me, not want me. and because you don't want me..you continue to choose "him". maybe respecting you, isn't sexy. maybe taking care of you, doesn't turn you on. maybe saying i love you and meaning it, doesn't get you wet. excuse my niceness. i was under the impression that being a nice guy, i'd prevail.

but it feels/seems like all i do is, lose. maybe i should call you out your name? cheat on you? ignore you? continue to fuck up...leave when you need me. because all i get for doing the right thing is trampled over. your heel has driven itself so deep into my heart i can hardly feel it beating anymore. loving you feels wrong, because you won't love me right. it's like the "good guy" in me wants to hang on, but the "good sense" in me continues to ask why?...

why?... respect her, if she doesn't respect herself.

why?... love her, if she doesn't love herself.

why?... treat her right, if she doesn't want to be treated right.

why?... give and not receive.

why?... be a good guy, when bad guys have all the fun.


look at it this way...bad guys are appetizers and/or dessert. he's that piece of chocolate cake. he's that queso dip that you can't get enough of. he's more attractive. he's more appetizing. you order him first, because you assume that's the best part. you indulge yourself with him now. thinking you'll have room left for your main course later. or you leave your main course, to nibble on your dessert. you allow him to spoil your appetite. you pass on better choices because he is enough to satisfy you now.

good guys are the main course,yet you treat us like leftovers. our mission is to satisfy you. our mission is to give you everything you want and need. when you're done with us, you aren't still hungry. you don't need more. but to some, we are too much. you're not ready for an entire meal. so you save us for last. you realize we're the best option. yet, you assume you can come back to us. you assume we'll still be here after you've gained 20 pounds from eating all that cake. as soon as you want more than just queso dip, you're trying to get with the steak & bake potatoes.

see appetizers & desserts are plentiful. they are meant to shared. they aren't meant to be filling. and come standard. the main course is just for you. it's a combination of everything you need. it's meant to be filling. it can change to suit your needs. meant to be enjoyable. meant to last.

like i said before...

  

i'm a hot commodity. i'm an endangered species. i'm a dream come true.

you're not ready for me now, but when you are...there will be a line of  women with chocolate icing around their mouth and A1 sauce in their hands ready to snatch up this steak. so, prepare to wait.

[october challenge: day#29]

we like'em too..

a common complaint from women is men never notice anything. we never notice you changed your hair. you bought a new dress. you wore that lipstick we like. we don't notice you cleaned up the house. or you ironed our shirts. we never pay attention to the little details you put into everything. yea....yea....yea. 

the truth is, we do notice. we know it's something different. our problem is..we can't figure out what it is. but...to be honest. you ladies never notice shit. nor do you compliment us ever. yea, i said it..women don't compliment, yall accuse. 


examples of how compliments go wrong from women:


she should have said:

you look so handsome today...

instead she says:

who you trying to look good for today?

she should have said:

that's a nice sweater you have on

instead she says:

are you gonna wear those pants? i mean the sweater is cool, but those pants are wrinkled

she should have said:

that was the best sex i've had, ever

instead she says:

that was good...

lol you get my point? you ladies don't think we care, but we do. we like to hear..."you look good". we like to hear.."you smell nice". we like you to notice our fresh shape up. or we shaved for you. we like you to tell us you like how our shoes are frost bite white. we like when you notice things. we like when you compliment us on our strength. when you tell us you love us and how great we are. when you make us feel like men. yea, we don't get all mushy gushy. yea, a lot of us don't even know how to take compliments. but we do appreciate them. everyone appreciates them. 

one of my pet peeves is a woman who never notices details. i HATE when i put time and effort in things, and a woman doesn't notice. do you know how much effort goes to planning a date? 

1. get your car situation in order. you have to wash it, inside & out. you have to gas it up. 
2. get your activities situation in order. whether dinner, movies, concert, or play you have to decide what she wants to do..get tickets, find out times, make reservations, etc. 
3. you have get yourself together. from what you're gonna wear. to shaving. to a fresh shape up. cologne. it's not easy being this sexy you know..
4. get your "impress me" situation in order. flowers, her favorite music.  favorite wine. gifts. just anything we do to be all extra with it.
5. pick up/drop off game in order. you arrive on time. you wait while she's all late trying to get all pretty for you. you open the doors. walk her inside. 

do you know what it feels like to go all out. show a woman a great night and she never compliments ANYTHING? she doesn't appreciate the fact that you car is on 100, 1000, trillion fresh. it has that fresh vanilla air freshener hanging. or that you never get stuck on the side of the road cause you ran out of gas like her last boyfriend. she doesn't care you just paid $200 for those tickets to that play. that you were courtside, not nosebleed at that basketball game. she acts like she sits in lebron's lap during the playoffs every year. you can't even get a.."wow, these are great seats". you might have tried on 3 different shirts before heading out. spray on a new cologne. waited 2 hours to get that shape up, just for her. and nothing. not even a bite of the bottom lip. you ungrateful "__fill-in-the-blank__". lol

all i know is, it wouldn't kill yall to say something nice once in a while. the next time your dude does something nice. or puts a little extra time into his appearance, notice it. appreciate it. say something baby... 

[october challenge: day#28]

 

i'm gonna kill this kitty...

ok. ok. so here's what happened. i met this chick. and we have been going out for a while. and one day she introduced me to her kitty. and usually i'm not a pet person. but i love kitties. and she had one of the prettiest kitties i had ever seen. i could tell she loved it. she had her all groomed and smelling nice.

so as i looked at her kitty and i guess she liked me cause she started purring. so naturally i started petting her. i asked her if it was ok, and she said "yes". i guess she had a fever or something cause she was real warm. so i asked her if she was sure she was ok. and she said, "yes, she gets warm when you pet her". so i'm thinking, cool. 

then all a sudden. she starts to moan and purr. so i'm assuming she enjoys it. so as i'm talking to this chick and her kitty starts losing control. she's getting so hot that she starts sweating all over my hands. so the next thing i know. she jumps on my lap. so i'm just sitting there asking this chick if she knew her kitty just jumped on my lap. and she starts smiling. and asking if i want her to get it off. so i tell her..."you can get her off...or i can get her off". so she's tells me she wants me to get her off.

so i start to pull her up, but she keeps pulling herself down. and this goes on for a while. all that up and down. i try to move her left & right. up and down. i doesn't seem like she wants to get off. at least not right now. so i thought if i keep on rocking her back and forth. pulling her up and down. i'd wear her out, so i grabbed her and start trying to push her up but she locks tight on me. at this point i can't do anything but let her stay there. i guess she likes that spot. so i just keep her there and keep talking to this chick. next thing i know her kitty starts having a seizure on my lap. so i hold her real still till she's done. so she gets up and lays next to me. next thing i know this chick gets up and tells me she has to go give her kitty a bath. so i'm just sitting there. waiting. the chick tells me her kitty likes me. and is really tired. so we chill out all night. fall asleep.

i wake up and this damn kitty is on my face. fur all in my mouth. all i know is i'm gonna kill this kitty..eat & beat her up.

[october challenge: day# 27]

declined...

i usually don't go around spending tens of thousands in single transactions. i admit i used to. i admit i used to have a "reckless with my money" problem. and that's why i started being more cautious. in college i discovered credit cards. my junior year of college my mom discovered i discovered credit cards, and it was a wrap. i had did some major damage. she would pay my card for me and i'd run that shit back up. on shit i didn't even want or need. so she stopped. and after a while...i stopped to. credit cards became the devil.

and i told myself, if i can't afford to just pay for something i don't need it. that philosophy carried me out of debt and into a better mind state. then i started getting the kinda money that makes you think you're rich. and for anyone who is coming out of college where your parents have cut you off to teach you the lesson of responsibility. and you've cut yourself off from overextending yourself. and you start getting money that is yours and that looks plentiful. you start buying shit like a maniac. and that's what i did. it wasn't borrowed money, but it was a lot of money. on a lot of stupid shit so after i got that out of my system. i started telling myself, "no matter how much money i have...it doesn't give me the freedom to waste it". so i just stopped buying shit that didn't make any sense. unless it was for others. that's my weakness. my parents raised me with the bad habit of being extremely generous. but even that i've put in check. now my spending is always triple checked. meaning...i want something. i go look at it. i get ready to buy it. i convince myself i really don't need it. i look again. i decide, there is nothing wrong with me buying something for myself. i decide to buy it. i'm looking for someone to tell them i want it. if it takes me more than 5 minutes to find someone, i'll convince myself that it's an impulse buy and to leave it alone. i give myself 3 chances, before i leave the store with something or just empty handed. yesterday..i wanted it. yesterday i felt like treating myself. so i walk in the store..tell dude what i wanted and watched the register ring up to a 5-figure amount.

so i walk over to the counter. and dude knows me. i come up in there all the time. he knows i got the money. i know i got the money...cause one thing i do is stay up on money in my account. i don't need to check no balances. i don't need you to print out how much i have on my deposit slip...i know how much money i have in my account. so i walk over and hand dude my check card.  and now he's looking at me like.."ok..". maybe he thought i'd have an american express card. or be pulling out a wad of cash like a drug dealer. or counting nickles and dimes i've saved up in an old sock. i don't know what he thought. but as he took my check card he looked at me, like..."you sure?....you did just walk in here and decide to get this..". so he's already making comments like, "must be nice..". and i'm thinking dude...swipe my card, it's cool. he takes the longest swipe imaginable.

and i wait....  and wait.....  and wait.... staring at the credit terminal. it isn't saying declined, yet it isn't saying accepted. so i get that nervous feeling. that looking all around. drumming on the counter feeling. dude is looking down like he's anticipating the "declined" status. then it starts to beep....and goes through.

why for that moment did i get nervous? it's not that i thought it would be declined for insufficient funds. i was more nervous that the damn bank would tag my spending as fraudulent since i don't spend like that except around holidays (valentine's day/mother's day/christmas..etc). and the thought of getting declined and having to explain that shit was what was looming over me. even if i said, "i don't know why that happened", "i know the money is there..", or "let me call the bank..." ...if i were a store clerk i'd be thinking, "yeah right" cause you see that shit all the time. people making excuses and saying they'll be back and shit. and i HATE being behind people who do that shit. so i NEVER want to be one of those people. even if it's true. it just seems like you ain't got no money and shouldn't have had your ass in the line to begin with.

five minutes out the store. i get a call from suntrust, verifying the purchase. lol. at least their on it right? so i head out of there...cause i decide today is my shopping day. today is my "me" day. so i hit up my suit store, to get me a new tux, due to the fact that i've gained weight and can't really fit my old tux the way i used to. and no this isn't random. i have a dinner to go to so it was necessary. and yes...i buy tuxes, cause my dad's always taught me.."a man should always own a tux". not to mention it's cost efficient and convenient due to the amount of times you may need to wear one. and the most important reason...because anything i wear would require a ton of alteration due to my height and now my out of shape, no ass having physique.

so i go to get one. get to the register. and hand them the same card. like i was testing suntrust. almost daring them to decline my ass. hand dude my card. it takes a minute, but it goes through. not even a call from suntrust. i stop off at the gas station put my card in the pump..."see attendant".

ain't that a bitch...lol. i didn't even argue. just went inside paid in cash and put my card to rest for the day. called suntrust just to make sure they didn't put me on timeout. which they had...but told me they'd take it off since i verified it.

fuck a declined....

[october challenge: day#26]

garbage day...

so...it's monday. it's garbage day. how do i know that? well every monday (except holidays) is garbage day.

how do i know that at 6:00am, awaken out of my sleep? cause my murderer next door neighbors are dragging their dead bodies to the club.

yanno it's sneaky, cause they do that shit in the wee mornings of the morning. they don't leave it out overnight. they don't run it outside as the garbage men are coming down the street (like i do..). they drag it to the curb at weird unmarked hours.

how do i know? cause they make all kinda noise. so much so, i can hear it. it wakes me up. and i know they are throwing away dead bodies. don't believe me? why else would they randomly be up taking out the trash? they don't leave the house, ever. the only person that leaves is the teenage boy and that's to go to school. one of my friends tried to convince me that their constant moving trucks in the front of their house and the back and forth removal of steel barrels was them sending clothes home to jamaica. um...

if they never leave the house. where are they getting this endless supply of clothes? the moving trucks always come at night. they pull all the way up to the garage door. and are folllowed by suspicious loud noises. i think they messed up one time and let me hear a gunshot noise. now i'm convinced they are murderers. and they are packing bodies. packing bodies and dragging them to the curb in their endless parade of garbage cans.

like i said...i have no idea how many of them are in the house. and no, i won't go over because that's the best way to get added to the kill list. i'm just saying. could they be more discreet at dragging out their bodies? i just know they are waiting for me to peek out my window so they can catch me and then i'll be next.

pray for me.....

[october challenge: day#25]

accidental stalking...

"it's not stalking..if you love them"

- rich munsch, "i love beth cooper"

do you know how much i love you? how much i miss you. how much i think about you? when you told me you didn't love me anymore. when you said it was over. it was like 1000 daggers hit my heart and diced it to pieces. so i wrote a 14 paged letter. telling you how i felt. how much i love you. how much i can't live without you. 

i put it in the mail, but when i didn't get a response..i thought maybe you didn't get it. so i called. but something must have been wrong with your phone, because you didn't answer. so i called a few more times. sometimes, back to back. i figured maybe your phone would start working and you'd pick up. i know i left a few voice mails, i just wanted to make sure you knew i was trying to get in touch with you. it wasn't till 2 days later that i decided to drive by your house. 

it's weird cause i saw the lights on. heard the tv. and thought i even saw you moving around in there, but you must not have been home. cause i knocked and banged on the door. i even waited on your doorstep for a few hours. just in case you came home. but i guess you were out of town or something.

that's when i decided to show up at your job. because i was worried. i hadn't heard from you. hadn't seen you. didn't know what was going on. then the next thing i knew, you were calling the police on me. the police. really? what on earth could i have done to make you feel this way? all i wanted to do was talk. fix things. work on us. you won't even give me a chance. now you're acting as if you're scared of me. as if i'd hurt you? have i ever hurt you? 

would you like for me to leave? because if you want me to leave, i will. i just don't understand. i don't understand why you don't love me. why you don't want to talk to me. why you don't miss me, the way i miss you. can i at least call you later to talk about this? what...i can't call you either? how about text you, g-chat, email....nothing? you want me to just walk away? act as if you never meant anything to me? you don't want me to see you, talk to you, or contact you ever again? is it that easy to turn off your feelings for me?  ok. if that's how you feel. fine, i will give you..your space.

but just know i will be waiting outside on your lawn in he rain with a boom box & roses reciting a poem i'm going home to write for you. i'm not giving up on you. i'm not giving up on us...even if it kills me. or gets me arrested.

[october challenge: day#24]

 

how come you don't call me...

my phone's been on. i know i paid the phone bill. i know the battery has power. i know my phone number is still the same. i'm not out of network. i'm not roaming. i have 5 bars...

so why haven't you called? text? or emailed me. every time i see my screen go dim, i tap it. every time i walk out the room, and come back in i check for a notification. 

why am i so lame? why am i such a loser? who literally sits around and waits for a phone call? waits for a response from a text. refreshes their email to see if maybe something is wrong with the server. or maybe something is just wrong with you..


yea i said it. stalking you or being obsessive is one thing. but if you're SUPPOSED to call me. you're SUPPOSED to text me. you're SUPPOSED to email me. then waiting and wanting you to do so isn't unreasonable. it doesn't take much: time or effort. truth is. if you don't have the time, and don't want to put forth the effort..why do i waste time even caring?


why do i answer when you call? text you back when i see your text. read your emails...you don't deserve a response. yet, when i don't answer or respond...i get the 911 treatment. yanno the.."i really need you to call me back.." voicemails. "call me asap" text. then comes the are you dead treatment. "call me back, i'm worried" voicemails. or the "is everything okay"..." text.  


whenever you're looking for me, i'm supposed to be available. whenever you're in the mood to talk i'm supposed to be in the mood. next time you call my phone. next time you check for text or emails.

remember, this is what it feels like...


2 years later...

why you texting me? why are you still calling? we haven't been together for a while. i haven't talked to you in months. yet, i keep getting those, "hey" text.

i remember how excited i'd get to see your name & number. now it churns my stomach. seeing your name on my phone. seeing your number pop up. why can't you get the picture? i don't want to talk to you anymore. i don't care about the shit going on in your world. it's crazy how now that i don't care, you want me to. you want me to text you back. you want me to call you, just to catch up. say hello. don't you get..that me NOT calling you means i don't want to talk to you. me NOT answering means i don't want to communicate. 

i understand. it took me a while to realize too. those days where i'd wonder why. why you didn't call me. why you wouldn't hit me back. i thought maybe you were just busy. maybe you just weren't the type that "calls". maybe you didn't realize how much i wanted/needed that. then it hit me. you just didn't want to talk to me.  you just didn't want to call. because just like me now, if you had wanted to talk to me..you would have. 

so lose my number. my new chick don't like seeing your name or number on my phone either.

[october challenge: day#23]

*sorry for the late update was out all night, didn't have one scheduled for midnight. but eh...get over it. lol

 

natural hair...

*turning down my hearing aid*  in preparation of the boos & the hisses.

but i gotta ask. what is the big deal with the natural hair phase? it's just hair.

let me repeat. it's just hair.

it seems like every woman these days that don't rock natural hairstyles are obsessed with having "natural hair". while all the women who have had them all the time have disappeared in the masses of "newly" natural women who have invaded their personal style corner. it's become a fad instead of a statement. it's not even about, "not using chemicals". or "loving your kinky hair". it's turned into a, "eww you have a perm" thing.  or a "the dominicans talk too much shit while doing my hair" thing.

now i don't speak for all men. i don't speak for most men. i only can speak for myself with this. but honestly..i don't give 2 flying fucks on the back of a cockroach dragon what you choose to do with your hair. i don't care if it's natural. don't care if it's permed. afro'ed out. baby hair slicked down. juicy (i admit a jheri curl..will get side eye and a towel behind your head while at my house). twisted. braided. whatever..i don't care.

as long as it looks nice. and not just it's a nice style. but it looks nice on YOU. i'm so tired of chicks "going natural" to achieve styles they see on others. see in a magazine. plan to cut all their hair off. only to regret and bitch & moan about it after they do it.

i have gotten into a million discussions and even arguments, because i don't understand the big deal. i've been told..."you're a guy, you don't get it". what is there to get. i have natural hair, you don't. you are trying to explain to me the benefits...to something i have, but you don't. and telling me i don't understand. no...i understand, just don't get why it's the newest thing since since punching babies..

going natural is not "achieving a style" it's simply rocking your hair in it's natural state. stop saying, "i'm going natural". if you aren't putting chemicals in your hair anymore..you are natural. complete. done. the end. congratulations. hallelujah. stop soliciting praise for doing something so simple. there a millions of chicks that have been doing that for years..it isn't new.

[october challenge: day#22]

*disclaimer. my blog was hacked by a grinch-like natural hair conversation hater. don't take my...his comments too serious.

not really there..

are you lonely? do you miss me? or even remember what it felt like to have someone hold you. love you. or care?..

what's this?...oh, it's a memo. i think you missed it. it says, "i'm here". but i'm not really here. emotionally..i've checked out. i checked out a long time ago. yet, you're still holding on. you're holding on to the dreams. holding on to the hopes. holding on to the expectations that i will never live up to. that i don't wanna live up to. 

see i decided along time ago.. i didn't want to be with you. maybe i forgot to tell you. but i thought you'd get the picture. 

what picture exactly?

how about...when i got too busy to tell you "good morning" or "goodnight" or when i stopped calling you all together.  when i started being too busy to spend time with you. or started acting like talking to you was a task. a task, i honestly didn't enjoy. see i admit the signs were subtle. i still needed you in my life, just in case.  just in case, i actually had feelings for you. just in case, i needed someone to hold me down. someone to give me a ride. loan me some money. cook me dinner. break me off a piece of that kit kat bar...i needed you to still be there. sounds selfish, huh? well, we live in a selfish world. 

if it wasn't me, it'd be some other dude right? even after we broke up. i needed you to be "stuck" on me. just in case. just in case things didn't work out with the new chick. just in case i  wanted to "hit it" again. just in case, i had some life altering situation where i needed someone i knew actually cared about me. who better to do that, than you?

see i feel like we're using each other. i'm using you for what you do for me. and you're using me cause i give you life. you wake up because of me. you live because of me. you breath because of me. can't see a future with anyone else but me, right? still think we're gonna get married. still think we're gonna get back together. still think it's gonna work out. you need that. so i'll text you here & there. call you, when i get bored. play with your emotions. it's the least i can do, we're helping each other. some people think it's dirty. i know your friends talk that sly shit about me all the time. shit, even my friends think it's wrong to string you along like this. but ah, you're letting me do it. so you must like it...

sincerely, 

that jerk you love...

[october challenge: day#21]

my flower..

i passed by a garden yesterday. filled with hundreds of flowers. all shapes, sizes, and colors. all with their own unique look, smell, & textures. none of them alike, yet all beautiful in their own way. that's what choosing a woman is like. . .

as i became overwhelmed with choices. i begin to wonder what was perfect for me. i won't lie, the more developed ones caught my eye. the pretty blooms, billowing at me. shapely voluptuous curves of the petals. made me want to reach out and caress. nestle them against my nose and inhale their sweet fragrance. yet some, after a while i noticed the insecurity of expectation i had placed on them. although fully developed, they weren't ready to be placed in a vase and admired. their cuts were vast, and soon they began to wither from the bitter taste of hurt i noticed they had become damaged. yes, what was once an obvious choice begin to become complicated.

as i walked on, i passed by the pretty one's, swaying back and forward in the breeze as if the sun glistened off of their essence. yet as i examine them the flaws were hidden, but were numerous. it wasn't until i started to peel back the petals was i able to truly see them. which colored my view. how can something so pretty, be so ugly on the inside? worse than that, hate themselves more than you ever could once you pull back their outward layers? i realized i no longer could depend on the outward beauty alone to reveal that perfect flower.

so as i looked intently at the thin, plump, bushy, and even the damaged flowers..i begin to see that choosing the right one wasn't an easy task. i needed something else. something more concrete. a plan of action, so to speak. an godly intervention. as i gazed upon the rows of flowers, the sea of beautiful blooms. i relied on God to show me the perfect one.

even if i can see her imperfections, make them invisible to my eyes, hands, and nose. her beauty should be evident, undeniable, and beyond belief. it doesn't matter if the guy next to me can't see it. all that matters to me, is that when i look at her she's the perfect representation of beauty. in every form. every aspect. every layer. the flaws are what make her pretty, and i love her regardless. flaws and all.

allow me to appreciate all of her. from her root, to her stems, to her buds. her natural essence. notice the curve of her stalk, the intricate markings and softness of her petals. let me enjoy her as she is. yet have an everlasting lock on my soul. i want to look at her 50 years from now and remember her the way is see her today. unchanging unwavering beauty.

let me be the gardener. tend to my delicate flower. which i stand over watchful, attentive and protective. give me the foresight to see the potential in her. if her blooms are undeveloped. if she hasn't had time to grow. give me the patience to wait, groom, and allow her to blossom into the woman that she is meant to be. not only for me, but for herself. i want to help her spread her roots. nurture them instead of cut her down. not just pollinate her, but savor her sweet nectar. become addicted to her honey suckle drenched aroma. choose her and only her. she is the star of my garden. she is the centerpiece in my arrangement. she is the rose that grows through the cracks of my soul. her beauty, unmatched. her preservation, unmatched. her worth, unmatched.

she is my flower.

[october challenge: day#20]

mr. fix it...

hey..


how you doing?

just call me mr. fix it.

i heard you had a few things broken. and needed someone to come through and fix them. i got all the right tools and i know how to use them.

*pulling out my checklist*

has he made you insecure? he never told you how pretty you are, did he? how cute your smile is when you say "hello". i could get lost for days in your eyes. each blink is hypnotic, your lash to eye ratio is perfect. i even love how that carmex glistens on your lips. with ever word, i time like double dutch for my moment. the moment i can jump in and kiss you. i want to make you feel the way a man should make a woman feel. and that's appreciated. beautiful. loved. wanted. needed. i can't take back the damage he's done. but i can make it better. i want to help you see you again...will you let me fix that?

*looking at list*

did he convince you, you'd never love again. or that no one would love you like him. well he was right, no one will love you like him. nor should they. you deserve better. you deserve a man who's going to make you feel good about yourself, not one who has to make you feel unworthy. did he crush your spirit? did he tell you that "you" were the reason he did all the fucked up shit he's done? see guys like him are used to blaming other people. that's just codename for "he got overwhelmed and couldn't be a man about it". he tried to break you down so you'd think he was worthy enough to be with you. don't let his shortcomings scare you from love. all the things you wanted with him, you can still have and a whole list of other things that weren't possible with him. don't let him hold you hostage from love. let me free you, allow me to fix it for you....

*checking off list*

wow, he really did a number on you. he broke it, and took some of the pieces with him. what a jerk! here's a band-aid. in fact here's two. i'm gonna put this one here & this one there, to form a "X" right over your heart. i want to mark the spot, so i know exactly where i need to be. this type of job takes time. it takes patience. you can get those pieces back, but not all at once. so i'll wait. i'll give you all the things he didn't. love, attention, affection, understanding, forgiveness, you name it...if you need it, i'll give it. i just want to mend your heart. i just want to make you whole,again. let me fix it.

[cctober challenge: day#19]

let me apologize...

i'm sorry.  i apologize.  i regret. 

that i didn't meet you sooner. that we weren't next door neighbors. that you weren't in my kindergarten class. that my mat wasn't next to yours. nor did i try to steal kisses from you.

it's my fault, that i had a crush on that girl in the 8th grade that used to call me cute and hug me all the time. you weren't my first girlfriend. you weren't my first kiss. my first date. my first nervous phone call. your parents weren't the first to freak me out. i didn't have my first "dream" about you. i'm sorry..

my first poem wasn't written for you. my first song wasn't dedicated to you. you weren't the first woman i took to the movies. i bought a valentine's gift for or the girl i saved up all my money to buy the 14k gold plated cubic zirconium bracelet for.

you weren't the first woman i had sex with. the first woman i made love to. or the first woman who broke my heart. you aren't my first wife. you won't have my first child. most of my first are long gone. i'm sorry.

but i don't want you to be my first. because first is just the beginning. everyone before you were the first chapters. you are story of my life. you will be the final chapter. in the end when my life is summed up, the most important parts will include you. you i want you to be my last. my last kiss. my last hug. my last date. my last love. my last girlfriend. my last wife. my last everything. i don't want anyone after you. so this apology is only for you.

i'm sorry, i didn't meet you first.

[october challenge: day#18]

the conversationalist

can i tell you how much i miss you? i know i just saw you this morning. but the entire time you've been gone, i've been sitting here feeling incomplete. like i'm missing something. how was your ride to work?  did you think about me? i admit i thought about how sexy you looked in your work clothes. i think you should drop by the house on your lunch break & bring me something to eat. why are you giggling? yanno you want to. i can give you a ride back to work. bet you missed me too.
i can still smell you in the air, your perfume is all over the covers, my clothes..me. i'd be lying if i said i didn't want to stay in you..i mean bed all day. thinking about this morning in the shower. we were in there for a long time. yanno everything i do takes a while. at least an hour or so. that's a long time to be wet, but you seem to like it. like when i kiss that spot behind your ear. the one that makes you lean your head back and close your eyes. or when i hold you close and you feel how hard it is to let you go. it's crazy how we just fit together so perfect. almost like we were made for each other. i admit i'm much bigger than your other boyfriends. but luckily you've been working me out...a lot. 


i may not have the deepest voice. or the sexiest voice. i may not be able to read your mind, but i can tell you one thing. i know how to make you feel good. i know what you want. i know what you need...

i can ease your mind. i can lift your spirits. i can make it better. if you let me. if you let me in. if you relax. i can get into you deeper then i've ever been...

see i can do things to your mind & body that you've never witnessed, felt..imagined. real talk. no game. no gimmicks.

no bullshit.



"and i'ma leave it in..."

(if you don't get the reference..not worth explaining..lol)

[october challenge day #17]

happy sweetest day...

 

"sugar & spice and everything nice....everything nice? i must agree. cause your "beautiful" runs further than the eyes can see." - me

i remember the first time i heard of sweetest day. it really is a midwest thing. i'm sure a lot of you are sitting there..like "wtf?". or maybe you saw someone say it on twitter or what not. it's yet another one of those days invented by the card company. however..sweetest day is actually supposed to be the opposite of valentine's day. women are actually supposed to do for men, the way we do for you on valentine's day. do you still wonder why it's not celebrated everywhere? cause women are selfish...j/k. (or am i?)

anyway, yall have a happy sweetest day. if you have somebody call them up and tell them you love them. if you don't...go find you a sweetheart for the day. it's not that hard. i'm not endorsing you be a hoe for the night...unless you're into that sort of thing. just saying why not celebrate this "made up" day like everyone else? it's always the 3rd weekend of october. so next october..i expect you all to remember.

[october challenge: day#16]

all numbed out

it's been a while, since the last time i thought about you. when i pass by "our" favorite restaurant. when i hear "our" song. when i look at remnants of "our" relationship, it doesn't hurt the same. in fact it doesn't hurt at all. staring at old photographs doesn't remind me of the good times we once shared. in fact those "good times" are vastly overshadowed by the truth.

the truth is, i'm not in love with you any more. i don't think of you any more. it doesn't hurt. i'm not "stuck" on not being with you. my heart is melting the icebox you put around it. i feel nothing...for you. i'm numb. i'm numb to the pain. numb to the hurt. numb to the countless memories that used to haunt me. taunt me. drive my life off the road...to happiness. i can now see the sign. . .

500 miles to happiness

i'm not there, but i can see it. it's been a long time coming but i finally can see happiness in my future. it's funny how i used to think i'd never get to this point. when the depression, loneliness, and uncertainty moved in. i never thought i'd get rid of them. they consumed me. they ruled me. they convinced me that i needed you. that my life wasn't worth having without you. that all the dreams i felt were lost, were really gone for good. you really did a number on me. scratch that...i really did a number on me.

i allowed myself to go to a dark place. then i foolishly sat there. in the dark. staring at nothing. wanting nothing. hurting alone. being alone. i rendered myself useless. i told myself i wasn't worth loving. i didn't deserve love. i'd never have it, find it, or trust it again. don't get me wrong..it's not that i don't love you. i just don't punish myself, by not loving me. see, i didn't lose love. i lost myself....and to be honest, i miss the old "me" more than i miss you.

[october challenge: day #15]

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my bed is my bitch...

so soft. so gentle. carresses and envelopes me in your grasp. i stretch my arms, stretch my legs yet..i am devoured in your clutches. i explore your vast range, moving from one side to the other. you keep me on the edge, and pull me to your plush center. 

you take care of me, so i take care of you. i switch up your wardrobe, keep you smelling fresh. i put a fancy top on you. and boy did you thank me for that. you lock my body in your memory and i just fall into paradise every time i lay on top of you. i must admit it feels so good, it almost feels wrong. the only thing missing is my beloved pillow. if i had her, i would love you long time. love you like a fat kid loves cake. yet, every time i finally get in my groove with you. when i've worked you out and worked myself in you...that damn alarm clock starts bitching. 

i swear, i don't love that hoe. but she keeps calling my name as soon as i get deep off into you. sometimes i get up and try to calm her. i rub her head to put her back to sleep. but as soon as i get back in you...there she goes again, running her mouth. singing that same song...over and over again. always clocking me and interrupting my dreams. she's a dream killer. and i think she's jealous. i think she doesn't want me to be with you. that's it, she wants to break us apart. it's almost like she's laughing as i get out of you and walk over to her in disgust. i don't want her...i want you. but she keeps trying to pull us apart. keeps trying to play us against each other. she wants me to think i need her. but i don't need that hoe. she doesn't comfort me the way you do. if you want me to choose, i choose you. forever and always.

[october challenge: day 14]

your friend want me...

you were excited for me to meet her. couldn't wait for us all the hang out. you wanted her to like me. and she did. 

a little too much. 

the first time i met her. the look in her eye. it was almost like you weren't in the room. that look, i know that look. the same one you gave me when you bit your bottom lip, said hello with your eyes, and tossed your hair back & forth. she touched my arm in that flirty way. did that "cute little voice" when she said my name. i knew right then..your girl wanted me.

she smiled..and said, you told her all about me. i bet you hate you did that. the lust in her eyes, pierced through my clothes as she undressed me and made love to me with her thoughts. she had already stabbed you in your back 2 minutes before she even met me, but you had no idea. no idea those conversations you two had about me...your feelings, your wants you confessed to her fueled her betrayal. blinded by trust and innocent ignorance you turned your back on your biggest hater. and she had her knife ready.

she's not your friend, she never was. she's never been happy for you. always tried to break you. she fed on your insecurities. then you went and gave her the blueprint to our relationship and she planned to destroy it. destroy you. see girls, like that can't stand you. they can't stand for you to be happy. to have anything they don't. and right now what she don't have is me.

i can tell you want to blame me. i can see it on your face. you want it to be me. you want to protect this friendship you've built up in your mind. and want me to be the bad guy. you want it to be my fault: maybe i came on to her, maybe you saw me checking her out, maybe i'm just a dog, a hoe, a friend-fucker. maybe it's me. it's true..you've known her longer. it's true..she's an attractive woman. it's true..she she can get her own dude. but none of that matters. 

 see it's not even about me. she's doing this to hurt you. she thrives off your tears, fears, and vulnerabilities. it didn't start with me, and probably won't stop with me. check her friend closet. there's probably shoes, underwear, socks, and pants of "your" boyfriend past spread all over the floor. i'm just the first to tell you. 


don't be mad at me, be mad at your girl. . .

[october challenge: day#13]