10 things a man should say to his woman...

10 things a man should say to women...that should be accepted at face value. without discussion.


#10. "i got that."

the check, the bills, the door, the umbrella, your back, your hand..EVERYTHING..

#9. "i appreciate you"

the little things, the big things, you being in my life, you making me feel loved. thank you for all you do & for being you.


#8: "you're beautiful"

i see beauty in every part of you. in everything you do. don't ever doubt yourself, always know that there is someone (me) who thinks you're beautiful. and sees that beauty from the inside to the outside.


#7: "i want to make love"

i want that connection. that closeness. that intimacy that can only be shared when love is present. i want to feel the places my eyes can't see. and reach the places no one has ever reached before. i want to make you feel good & loved.


#6: "i'm sorry"

for things i've done, for things i will do. i hate to upset you. i hate to disappoint you. and more than anything, i hate to hurt you. please accept my apology, forgive me.


#5: "will you marry me?"

i've come to the point in my life where i cannot phantom life without you. you deserve this commitment. you deserve this next step. you deserve the incredible man i plan to be for you. i want to spend the rest of my life loving you.


#4: "i feel so lucky...."

being with you is beyond amazing. you make me feel like i have something special, someone special. all these men out here, and you're with me. i can't believe how blessed i am.


#3: "you're the only woman for me..."

no other woman in my past compares to you. no other woman i could ever meet could take my eyes, heart, or love from you. all i need is you.


#2: "i miss you"

i find myself thinking about you all the time. all types of thoughts, all times of day. your voice, your touch, your eyes..your ooh. i miss you, even when you walk away for a minute.


#1: " i love you"

3 simple words sum up everything that's on my heart and in my soul. i don't take the feelings i have for you for granted. i don't chalk it up to infatuation or lust. they roll off my tongue, with ease. and i want to say it to you until you get tired of hearing them. i pray you'll never grow tired of hearing them..

lunchtime meeting...

12' o clock. here alone. texting you...

wish that you would come over, to my desk

after while, let me know

we can keep talking bout the last time...

you were here, what we did

no work till, 1'o clock

only rug burns & paper cuts, you didn't mind

girl i hope you hurry, 'cause

i'm so....anxious. 

my lunch hour's almost over

i need you to come over

said i'm so.....anxious

my boss left at 11:30...so right now you need to hurry

girl i'm so....anxious. 

come give me some affection

i'm down for office sexing  [ "so anxious" tha unpretentious narcissist remix]

i walk in your office. you're sitting down in your chair. you're still on the phone, i guess i should have knocked. 

i close the door, shut the shades, make sure the door's locked. 

i look at you, you see me. and end your conversation. 

you move closer, i move closer without hesitation. 

all we got is 60 minutes, so i'ma make it fast

yea 60 minutes is fast, cause i tend to make it last

on the desk, in the chair, or up against the wall

you don't have to pick, baby...

we can do them all

knocking over papers, clothes everywhere...

i bet your co-workers know my name

way you screaming, scratching, yelling

bet your co-workers know my name

they be knocking while we sexing..

i bet they all know my name....

my name, my name, name

i bet they all know my name
my, my, my name..


"neighbors know my name" [ tha unpretentious narcissist remix]

in-secured baggage. . .

i admit to not being perfect. i don't think i'm the "shit". i don't think any one's world stops because of me. i admit to not being every women's dream man. i admit to not always having the right words to say. i admit to not being the most patient. the most calm, cool, or collective guy. i admit to not being the most assertive, aggressive, or confident guy. i probably won't admit i'm wrong. nor do i volunteer to apologize all of the time. sometimes i raise my voice. other times i shut down completely. i'm argumentative.  i'm stubborn. i'm stuck in my own ways. i'm probably shorter than you. i do care what people think of me. i don't get jealous, i get angry. i do trust you, but i don't trust him, her, or them. i completely over my ex, but it does still hurt to see her. talk to her. remember anything. i do have scars. emotional scars. tons of them.

can i blame one person for that?...no. is it solely my fault, something just in my head, or me being dramatic?...no. truth is. i have "in-secured" baggage. i don't know when i start packing this bag. i just know it started off as a nap sack.turned into a book bag. became a duffel bag. and has graduated to a full piece of luggage w/ wheels. i don't know if it was from all the teasing growing up. i'd like to think i outgrew that. that i'm not just saying, "i'm over that". i mean i do still remember the things people used to say. i remember their names. their faces. sometimes even what they were wearing. but most of all i remember how it made me just want to disappear. so i did (at least, the person i was disappeared). and packed it in my nap sack. i put my outside smile on and moved on.

and things were ok, until i got my heart broken for the first time. and i swore off love. then denied myself love for years. i wasted a few girls time. i made a few of them fall in love with me. i admit it was wrong. but i needed love. i needed that. i didn't lie about my feelings. i just had no feelings. and when they found that out, they left. left me, all alone. and i hate to be alone. i'm scared to be alone. i don't want to be alone. i can't be alone. but i accepted that was my life. that's what God wanted. i mean isn't it? cause i'm a good person. i have good intentions. and obviously if i'm alone, it's cause God wants me to be, right? yea. i struggled, battled, prayed, wished, asked. . . then i one day i got an answer. one day the wait was over. i saw the person i wanted to be. and i found someone who enabled me to be that person. and it was great. till i found out she wasn't perfect. that love is imperfect. that control is variable. that bad things will continue to happen to good people. and i remember again...wanting to disappear. praying to disappear. but i couldn't. so i packed it in my book bag. i put my outside smile on and moved on.

things weren't ok immediately like the last time.that's when i found out the headaches i was having, weren't just headaches. i found out that i wasn't invincible. that something could be worse than losing love. that something could stop me from being the kind of father i want to be for my son. something could stop me from being a father. a son. alive. despite having a million people who care about me. who love me. tons of reasons to do everything i can to make the best of having MS. i feel like giving up. i only say that in my head. i'm afraid to admit i'm not strong. that i'm not sure. that i don't feel the same. it doesn't feel real. it can't be real. and no one understands. i want to scream. i want to cry. i want to disappear. but i can't. so i packed it in my duffel bag but it was too much and too heavy so i stuffed it in a suitcase. and this time i can't smile. i can't move, let alone move on. this won't stop. it won't ever leave. i just have to live with it. and it makes me angry. sad. scared. unsure. wronged. . .

now i'm sitting her with a full bag. full of issues. pain. hurt. broken hearts. broken spirit. and it's made me who i am. and i'm tired. i feel like i need something. i don't know exactly what that "something" is. but it's more than what i have/had. that's why i act like i do. that's why love is important. when i say i need to feel loved. i mean i need someone to love me till it doesn't hurt anymore. someone who won't leave. someone who knows i'm not perfect, and doesn't expect me to be. and loves me despite that. i need to believe. i need to know, that's possible. then i can stop waiting in baggage claim...

p.d.a.

looking in your eyes. tasting your words. hearing your thoughts ricochet off my heart. we speak with our eyes. can you feel me making love to you with my mind. touching you with my words. every syllable that rolls off my tongue enters your ears like a sweet melody. a song that plays continuous. that's familiar. that makes your heart skip a beat. as your lips position themselves into that smile i love. i can't help staring. glancing at the woman that makes my soul breathe. come alive. and feel complete. the waiter comes by repeatedly asking us if we're ready to order. if we've had time to look at the menu. my answer is the same each time, "i need a moment". because currently i'm stuck in this moment with you. time passes by and we remain unfazed. unmoved by our surroundings. nothing, no one else exist. as you caress my hand from across the table, slowly moving it up my arm, to my shoulder, my neck then to my face. i can't help tasting your fingers as you trace my lips with your fingertips. it seems so right to be being so wrong in public like this. as i drop my hands to your knee, then your thigh.

i almost forget where we are. . . 

as i watch you sip from your glass. all suggestively. licking your lips. tilting your head. running your fingers down the shaft of the glass. very "adult" thoughts dance around my head. as i whisper softly in your ear, i can hear parts of your body whisper back to me. as we finally order & eat. the whole restaurant knows we're in love. i'm in love. in love with you. as the words leave my mouth over and over again. you're smile says, "i know". your lips say, "i love you too". as you stand up, i grab your hand. don't you walk away from me, ever. i don't ever want to be apart. come here. i wanna hold your hand. walk with my fingers intertwined with yours. my arm wrapped around your waist. slowly bumping into you, side by side. i don't care who has to walk around us. who stares or complains. when i'm with you, i want nothing between us. i want you close to me. as i place my hand on the small of your back. i can't wait to get you someplace where i can really let my hands explore. as you stop me before i get too personal. i kiss you in the middle of the sea of people walking around us. letting you know, i don't care who sees. i don't care what they think.  as you grab my hand and push me towards a more secluded area. you pull me close, hands around my neck, and you kiss me like i'm the only person that matters in this world. your lips pressed against mine, your body pressed against me. you feel so good that i think we need to find a better place to do this. see p.d.a. (public display of affection) is just that, "i can't help myself", "i can't wait to be with you" or "i miss you so much" feeling. it's that spark you feel that ignites you. fuels your desire. i want you anywhere, anytime, anyplace. i don't care who knows.

"you know i love it when you're loving me. sometimes it's better when it's publicly. i'm not a shame, i don't care who sees us hugging and kissing..a love exhibition. oh.." - John Legend

love trails. . .

hello out there in blog land...i'm enjoying hitting the blog up randomly instead of just showing up on thursdays & fridays. reminds me of the days i used to have a journal. well..i still have one. some of yall probably saying, "yea dude..you got one, you're never on..only reason i read your blog".. (shout out to isis, mo & kita.."i'm sorry" lol)

but i used to write all my little feelings on there. it was really the first medium other than my music where i could just really pour out how i was feeling. and it's like..if i felt people were gonna judge me i'd just filter or cut their ass from my friends list. it got to a point where i had a good core of people who i'd even consider friends. like i could honestly hang out and be cool with. it's weird cause i started it in like 2002. so i've known a lot of them for like 8 years and shit..and i literally watched a lot of them transition from college to tax paying individuals with real jobs and shit. i also grew up. my life started really coming alive..i transitioned from a computer engineer who "made beats" in my spare time to someone who flipped a dream and started living it. that's why i hate the term, "make beats" cause that's some elementary shit to me. i made a career out of a dream and a lot of them were there for that. a lot of them remember all my complaining, all my excitement, all my good times & my bad one's too. they also remember my love trails.

yanno. anyone who has a blog, journal, status, profile..whatever..knows when you're in a "love" or in "like" you share that with the world like it's the best shit ever. i mean i guess i'm just a love-a-holic. i never tire of sharing feelings of "love", "lust", "like" (yes in that order..). i'd literally find a sea shell and scream

I LOVE YOU "*****"

because that's what love does to me. it excites me. it gives me life. and if i'm in the moment/season with you then i'm convinced that you could be the one that changes my life forever. not on some naive shit. but honestly when i get with someone i go hard. like my girl epitome says.."i go hard in the paint..." for love. yall think this is some shit i've matured into. but honestly i've always been a fiend for love. and my love trails are littered with heartfelt confessions of love & disappointment. seriously. i'm sure if any of the above mention journal followers comment they can tell you about this chick, that chick, the crazy chick, the young chick..etc.

because that's one thing i'm really open about. to me love isn't something you hide. and if you judge me for failing in love..i hope you've been happily married for 52 years..if not you can kiss the underside of my left nut after i finished running my 5 miles bee-itch. that's why i make no apologies. i loved-lust-liked who i loved-lust-liked, for the reason i stated in that moment/season. the expression of love was pure and genuine. and most chicks i've dated...even if they hated me after we split. they know if anything i was always upfront and genuine about my feelings. but sometimes i wonder..what does my trail say about me?

like if a chick i was talking to were to go back in my archive would she get jealous? after all it didn't work out right?...but i'll be honest if i were to get back into her archive.. i'd probably get jealous too. probably compare her feelings for another to her feelings for me? it's only natural right? if she was head over heels for another dude. if she gave him things she doesn't give me. if she felt things she doesn't feel for me. would that bother me? shoe on the other foot...would she look at my past love confessions as me loving everyone hard..and it being nothing to love her that way? do you ever think about that? like the things you say..the love you confess for "that one"..that is so strong in the moment/season but then it fades. but it's still strong as baby's diaper left under your bed...those words "i'll never love someone the way i love her/him"..do you know how that would rip out some one's heart you said the same thing to? could they see past that? could they believe you?...never thought about that, huh?

the way i see it...you see the beginnings of my relationship. you see it blossom. i don't just talk about the good. i don't just talk about the bad. i talk about thinking about her so much it drives me crazy during the day because i'm not talking to her. i talk about missing her so much, i check my voicemail just to hear her voice. i talk about loving her so much that i feel incomplete with her. i talk about being pissed off, frustrated, mad, wanting to cuss her ass out. i talk about what i did that was wrong...what she did wrong...what i THINK we did wrong. i talk about the demise. if anything you will feel my heart being ripped out and tossed in the trash. because i don't take losing love easily. i guess what i'm trying to say is...when i get a "new one" you see me being resuscitated. you see me coming from that dark place into the light. and loving that woman for showing me the light. for showing me love again. it's never the same love. i don't look for the same love. i always want better. i always expect better. i always need better.

one thing i want the chick who's with me, who reads all my confessions. who follows all my love trails..is UNDERSTANDING...i want her to know how hard it is for me to love. yea, it may seem like it was easy. i may seem like the type who "just loves easily". but it's hard. from where i've been..it's hard. and i want you to know that. i don't want to keep that shit from you. i want you to know me. i want you to know all my love, hate, pain, sadness...so when i tell you i love you. you know how hard it is for me to say it after saying..."i don't EVER wanna love anyone again..". and when i look you in the eyes..and tell you that you are the only woman i ever want to be with. you're the woman i want to share my last of everything with: kiss, hug, laugh, moment, breath..

i want you to know it's hasn't been easy. it hasn't been easy, finding you....waiting on you. but now that i have you. i'm gonna do any & everything to do it. and hopefully at the end of my love trail with you, is a dead end.

heart burglar..

call me a thief. call me a heart burglar. whatever.

arrest me. lock me up. throw away the key. because i want to spend eternity in your love box.

yes, that was me..with the sledge hammer standing outside your walls. trying to break them down. see i saw them a mile away and i thought to myself...even though i can't see over it. even though i can't see through it. even though i don't know what's on the other side..it's worth the effort, breaking it down. so don't mind me while i try to break in.

i know it sounds ridiculous. trying to break in, to be locked up. but that's where i wanna be. you're where i wanna be. i just gotta be there. so let me pick your mind, your heart, your soul..i promise to be gentle. see i'm a professional, heart burglar that is. i don't like to stop til i've stolen it. and yes, it would be easier for you to just give it to me. but we all know the best things, are the things we work hard to get. and since it belongs to you. and you're kinda selfish. my only other option is to steal it.

so are we gonna do this the easy or the hard way? you gonna leave the door open or do i have to crawl through the window? come down the chimney. slide through a crack. hide in your bushes? or do i have to huff & puff and blow your wall down?

you wanna fight me for it..is that it? come on, we can thumb wrestle for it. no? how about flip a coin? *pulling out double head quarter*, "heads, i win". still not good enough? ok...where's the hoops of fire i have to jump through? is there an obstacle course? because i'm saying i am a bit out of shape..but i will hobble, wobble, & almost die (have a heart attack) attempting to obtain your love. just point me in the direction of your heart, then act like it's a shopping spree and "throw it in the bag..".

no one has to get hurt. if you just cooperate. it's not a stick up, unless you want it that way. and this isn't a gun, but if you keep on looking so good it might just go off. just saying. so what's it gonna be? you gonna give it to me. . . or do i have to break in, run faster than your dogs (your girls), deactivate your alarm (your hesitation) scale up and down you walls, tripping over the debris (your baggage), pick the locks of your mind...to get to your heart?

because i'll do it. and i promise once i get it..it's gonna be mine. and i'm not giving it back. don't worry you won't miss it. you'll already have mine. free & clear.

is love a trap?...

is love a trap? does it sucker you in just to devour you and spit you back out halfed? i always have random thoughts. random things that just pop into my head from time to time.

is it that we are too blind to see the danger of love? or is it because love is worth the risk? i can honestly say, i am on a mission to love. and to be loved. i think it's one of the greatest gifts given by God. it's free. and when done right gives you one of the greatest feelings in the world.

so what about the not so good feelings? what about the heartbreaks, the arguments, the disagreements? what about the unhappy times. the lonely times. the i'll never feel this way again(s). do we ever figure out love? like even when we're in it. even when we are with someone who is making us happy. do we fully understand what love is? do we fully understand what we're doing?

have you ever just felt that love had it out for you. like it was one of those scams where the people send you a check for a million dollars and tell you to cash it and keep $800,000 of it. like it's just too good to be true & will end up bad. really bad...almost feels like you should just cut your loes up front. just go into it guarded. protect yourself. not give 100% for fear that you'll give too much & get too little.

what kind of love fiend are you? me, i'm a "all in" poker player with a bad poker face. i totally give up all my tells up front. i put all my chips in and i let it ride. of course we all know how these type of situations end. but i'm a risk taker & a believer. i'm betting on the person i'm with, because if i hit. if i get a winning hand (woman)...then the reward will be well worth it.