some things you just don't fuck w/ a month before they expire..

yanno when you're thinking about that special someone. and you're counting down the days till you're gonna get some of that "special" love. and it's been a minute since you had some of that "special" stuff. then out of no where, you being like a boyscout and trying to "be prepared" you look at the box and see the expiration date is for next month.

it's almost like yanno them shits are always popping, breaking, tearing, etc. anyway. but if they're about to expire makes you think they just gonna evaporate in the middle of you having sex.

sorry trojan, i don't fucks w/ you like that. some things are negotiable, you my friend...are not.

i ain't had sex in a long time....

statement's true, but was actually taking that from the drake song. "i ain't had sex in a long time...i ain't had sex in a long ass time..i aint had sex in a long time...are we having sex tonight?"..

women have it much easier than men. i'm saying, we are just naturally built for sex. like if our body isn't getting it, it goes into "crazy mode" and starts reverting to 15 y/o status. being a grown man and waking up with a monument in your pants is not where it's at. i'm getting like dude on "American Beauty" the highlight of my morning is shower massaging. i'm saying operating in a long distance relationship is hard for a lot of reasons. it's not all bad, but yanno the sex part is a problem. what i don't understand is, why do women think they have the lock on being faithful tho? because from my experience i've dealt with cheating chicks. but for some odd reason women think that they are trustworthy and you aren't. i'm serious. why tell me "i know you got something going on...because you haven't been having sex". excuse me, but you haven't been having sex either...right? do you have something going on? just cause i got a automatic trigger you think i'm firing up on every chick i see? where is the trust? why must i justify myself and what i've been doing when i never ask you what you're doing. i never assume you're with someone else. but since you're so worried..maybe i should huh?

this goes back to my problem with chicks having "male friends". because for some reason they can have a million male friends, hang with co-workers, talk to random dudes for their friends. but let you mention a friend that doesn't have a dick to your chick. it can't be done. you're automatically fucking her, interested in her, or she's a potential girl who wants to get with you. and it's like..come on. do you think i'm that hot? every chick wanna get with me, huh? let's get serious. it gets to a point where they think your flirting with the check out girl at the grocery store. i'm saying..yea she can get me some groceries, but for real? just cause the black chick hooked me up at the rib shack don't mean her number was on my fries box. what's up with the insecurity/jealousy? women HATE when you ask them about other guys. but stay being jealous about some chick on your myspace, twitter, facebook, Blogger, etc.. and what makes them the maddest..let the chick have her shit on private and she can't read what she's saying to you.

relationship fail.

where would we be without women?

the cup says, "women need men like a hole in the head". but trust, men need women. they introduce us & teach us about so many things. here is my top ten things women are good for:

thing # 1o: always have toilet paper.

as a man the need for toilet paper is great, only when we have serious "bidness" to attend to. other than that, we don't think about it. i don't know how many times i've had to waddle out the bathroom, pants around my ankles...waddle down the hallway, into another bathroom to find toilet paper. in fact my uncle used to sing a little song and it went like this..."what do you do, when your stranded on the stool..and you don't have toilet paper? do you take it like a man, and wipe it with your hand..or do you use newspaper". needless to say, we get ourselves into that situation. but with women around...there is ALWAYS toilet paper. they have a "we only have one roll left" warning message that comes attached to them at birth. without women, we'd have some shitty hands...or some shitty newspaper, depends on which road you choose.

thing #9: personal stylist

yes, we complain about our women dressing us. we complain about them buying us underwear, shirts, britches, etc..but how do you think the clothes we wear get in our drawers? the dresser fairy doesn't replace your holey undies. i never had to think about what i was going to wear, there was always an hint or suggestion. always a "you could wear this....". they let you know what the attire of the evening is, "umm..you're not wear that are you?.." they tell you what to wear and what not to have on to impress their friends & family. without women we'd probably wear the same shit everyday, and turn it inside out when it got dirty.

thing #8: fighting battles/customer service shut-er-downers..

if there is a problem, with anything. who is gonna get on the phone and cuss somebody out? who is gonna wait through 3 automated prompts, two rude customer service reps, & one new manager to tell them what they need to do to fix "our" problem? a woman. cause dudes ain't got time for that shit. a woman will get on the phone w/everyone in the damn company to complain about only having 9 pieces of chicken when she KNOW she ordered a 10 piece. she want her name on the list and she IS coming back up there to get it at a later date. she's gotten the poor dude at the register fired, got his manager giving out coupons, & got corporate sending her "i'm sorry" letters. yea we hate when yall bitch at us, but go head get me some free chicken baby...

thing #7: kitchen appliances & tools

you know that heavy box of round things your mom bought you when you went off to college? the one you never opened. how about a woman will go in your cabinets, open your fridge, put one of those on the stove and make you a meal. let me introduce you to something call a "pot" & a "pan". who knew that magic circle bowl could do that? but wait...there's more! how about there are things that grind, open, slice, steam, there is actually a timer on the oven so you don't have to keep poking shit with a fork to see if it bleeds. wow....you mean to tell me i could have been having a real dinner all this time?

thing #6: moisturizer

now before diddy was "preserving his sexy", raise you hand (men only) if you knew what moisturizer was? because i admit i was a floured face fool & had no idea why. face so dry i could have been a Shamwow cloth. dab some in my hand, rub it on my face. are you fucking serious? this can't be true. just a dab will do me? i thank you "mrs.X" for making my face sexy for my next chick...

thing #5: will show you who your true friends are

basically..she will do everything in her power to make you alienate your friends. doesn't want you to go drinking. doesn't want you to hang with them. thinks this one always has you around some chicks. wants all your time to be spent with her. so basically any friends who still deal with you while you're with her. are you TRUE friends. lol..

thing #4: loofahs

fuck any dude who think loofahs are for sissies. seriously. i used to scoff all the time at using a loofah. yes, i've bought tons of those bath & body works gift sets for my mom, grandma, girlfriends, cousins, etc..if you told me to use one i'd say, fuck you till the lights burn out. that was till one day i was in the shower...no cloth. asked this chick to bring me one, she returns with a loofah sponge. i told her, " i'm not using that shit..". she leaves.. i put soap on it, pressed it to my body, and lost my mind. why the fuck hadn't i been using that shit? not only does it soap up better, it gives you that scratching sensation & is faster with the body to soap application. you can say, think what you want...i gets clean with my irish springs & loofah sponge. and you never have to buy them shits cause some chick you know ALWAYS has like 40 of them, since they don't use them cause they're too busy soaking in their own dirt taking "baths" & shit.

thing# 3: there is more on tv then sports, video games, & porn

who woulda thunk it? women get you watching crazy little shows with them that you'd never ever watch under any other circumstance. and it's instantly made ok because if one of your dudes ask you why you watching that shit you just say, "my chick made me watch it..". but it honestly opens your eyes to a lot of things & keeps you up to date with shit that's going on. don't know how many times i'll be listening to the radio in the morning and hear about some shit that happen on a tv show, or w/ someone and had NO CLUE who it was or what they were talking about. yall dudes know what i'm talking about...yanno the shows you watch and ain't suppose to be watching..."america's top model", "sex in the city", "girlfriends", "bad girl club", etc.. not saying i watch those...just saying, how you recognize Eva on the young & the restless? you ain't seen her ass in no magazine. better question how you even know she's on the young & the restless?...*smh*

thing #2: air freshers & candles

wanna know why every time you go to her place, why it smells so good? and you're sitting in your crib and it smell like shit in a sock? cause women got these things called air fresheners. naw it's not the same as the can in the bathroom. it's fans, plug-ins, discreet globes...it's what home smells like, when it really smells like a home. after being introduced to the scent of "bearable", how could i ever go back to a scentless house? yea i know it's confusing. when dudes come to my place and see the candles they think it's for the ladies. yes, partially correct. since i ain't wasting my $6 candle on their ass...but i'm saying. if you can't make your home smell good for you...who the hell can you make it smell good for? step up your game fellas...

thing #1.5: sex

ain't speaking for all guys. but for me...women do the damn thang for me. beats "handebating" any day.

thing #1: love

women will teach you love. it will break that hard exterior we put forth and soften us (just a little..). it's companionship, conversation, "laughing at our jokes", acting like they need us. it's that understanding you only previously only got from your mom. it's support, that look, that feeling you get when she says your name. all that comes w/ love. it's a gift that God intended us to have, and it's brought to us most times by women (some of yall dudes yanno eh, i ain't hating..but i'm saying). it's something they give us, and broaden any expectation you ever had when they give us children. most appreciative of thing #1.

but aye...i'll fucks with ya for thing 1.5 too!